


Silent Retreat 2: When The World Breaks Through

by trylonandperisphere



Series: Silent Retreat [2]
Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: F/F, Series, cophine - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-27
Updated: 2017-10-30
Packaged: 2018-09-12 13:08:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 29
Words: 53,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9073012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/trylonandperisphere/pseuds/trylonandperisphere
Summary: The sequel to Silent Retreat. What happens when Delphine and Cosima leave the the bubble of the rainforest resort? Special thanks to my  supporters. You guys rock! Also many thanks to my buds at obfrankenfics for all the beta madness.  Want more?  Check out my tumblr at trylonandperisphere.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello. I'm taking a chance and re-posting this story. It was previously deleted, and I'm not 100% sure why, but it could have been a rules violation of some kind. Unfortunately, it looks like some of the original document got corrupted, so I'm going through a stupid amount of steps to recover the text. (Was this story not meant to be...?) Anyway, I hope readers new and old enjoy it, and please consider leaving kudos and/or comments even if you already did on the last iteration. I lost all of the ones submitted before, so that's kind of a bummer. Please comfort the sweet, mostly harmless fic writer! ;)

I don't really know how to describe how surreal it is being in JFK after spending weeks in a gorgeous natural place. I mean, I've done it before, like, a thousand times, but this time it was even weirder. It was better and worse, because I had spent my time away with the love of my life, as dramatic as that may sound, so I was missing being so close to her, rediscovering her, feeling like we were in this cocoon where all the crap of the past and the intervening years since we had split apart were being shifted, healed, into something sweeter. Like all of it, the anger, the hurt, the loneliness, as well as the joy and the learning and the healing that had happened, had happened just to take us here, to the place of love and trust we had finally reached. But at the same time as missing being in that little cocoon we had built where we had time to devote to each other, I was seeing everything through this new lens of true love really coming _true_ , and knowing I would see her again — soon, if not soon enough. It made everything look a little brighter, feel a little warm and fuzzy, even if the P.A. system was blaring, there were thousands of strangers running around me in various states of excitement, exhaustion and stress, and there was some strip-mall pub and some fancy parfumerie next door to each other pushing out a serious cognitive dissonance of lighting and smells.

I mean, I had gotten pretty good at filtering that all out, and taking slow breaths while knowing that I was surrounded by millions of busy people, miles and miles of asphalt, steel and smog; getting through it, even enjoying parts before I could get out of the frantic energy and thousand eyes of city life. But now it felt different, because I was in love. With her, with everything. And I was facing freedom, the possibility of not having to keep moving and looking over my shoulder. And it was awesome, and it was also overwhelming, triggering chemicals in my body and feelings in my spirit that made everything seem distorted, alternately blurry and incredibly clear. Oh, man, okay, it was like being supremely baked one moment and then wired up on Adderall. I guess that's a good metaphor for it. Or maybe that while eating delicious chocolate cake. Ha, the chocolate cake of love. Okay, hopefully you get it. Moving on…

I'd been through customs so many times with my fake i.d. that you'd think I wouldn't get that tiny squeeze of tension in my stomach, that quick rush of adrenaline that rings in my ears and hums under my skin. I'm mostly good with it, I just cover it with the tight-lipped smile of the white, American tourist following procedure with the stranger that holds the pro forma key to their entitled gateway of travel. Once again, the bored security official let me through with barely a glance, this time as one Rachel Louise Carson. If he'd had any idea that my namesake had spurred the founding of the modern environmentalist movement, he didn't show it. I was getting more lax with using my real name since I hadn't had trouble in so long, but I still covered my tracks, somewhat, partially because it amused me to slip through the cracks with my little homages to the rebel scientists and spiritual seekers who had moulded who I am. Hey, we all need entertainment.

He met me at the baggage area, as usual, wearing that look of his that read evaluating and skeptical but barely hid the smile of excitement and affection underneath. I met him with my own twitching smirk. We play these games, he and I, still, after all these years. Teo. That sly fucker was so handsome and quick-witted. I won the genealogical lotto when I had our son with him. Sometimes I wondered if there wasn't something about his attitude, the confidence he projected over his tender heart, that not only spoke to my own, but made the success of our unlikely experiment in the creation of a family inevitable. Our banter was light, but our hugs were warm.

It took about five minutes on the freeway before he asked me, with a knowing grin:

"Okay, who is she?"

"Damn, man," I chuckled. "Can't we get out of the five boroughs first? And, by the way, what makes you think there's a 'she?'" He pulled a look at me from under his eyebrows and let out a scoff.

"Girl, please. Your call was weird, your texts were weird, now I see you in person and _you're_ weird — even more so than usual. You reek of smugness. All signs point to you getting laid. Very well, I would guess. Do you really like her? Oh, _Dios_ , it's not a he this time, is it?"

I couldn't hold back my laugh.

"No, she's very much a she. But shouldn't we wait 'til we're back with Michael? Otherwise, I have to tell the whole story over again."

"Ha. You just came off a _silent retreat_. Your voice can use the exercise. Or can it? Do you have to have a silent fuck, there, too?"

"Teo," I giggled back at him, "I love you, man."

"I love you, too, Cos. But I know as soon as you get back to the house you're going to be blah, blah, blah all about Severo, and you'll latch onto each other like monkeys, or something. So, tell me. You know you want to, anyway."

"Okay, alright," I answered, holding up my hands. "There was someone. There _is_ someone. But we didn't just meet."

He cocked his head at me while keeping an eye on the road.

"So, you've finally given into your weird mother/child/lover thing with Margot?"

I had to hit him, at that. I told him to stop.

"Ow, okay! So, you met up with some woman you knew before. Is it one of the massage therapists? That redhead's always liked you." He examined my expression for a moment. "Okay, no. This is big. Put your tongue back behind your teeth or you're going to bite it off if I have to hit on the brakes. Damn. This girl… someone you knew, you really hit it off. It's not anyone I know…" He cocked his dark eyebrow and I confirmed this with a nod. "So, it's… an old friend? An ex…?"

I could see the gears of his mind turning, rotating the pieces of what he knew of me and seeing what fit. As much as I'd had to withhold from him about my past, he knew me so well. He gasped.

"Joder! Un momento, Cosima. Es ella la que... Dios mío, es ella "the one?" Es ella de quien te enamoraste, a quien llamabas tu alma gemela? La mujer que estaba metida en una mierda loca con la ciencia y el gobierno? Holy shit, Cos, the one you go all, like, distant-teary-eyed and anhelante about?"

He was looking at me so intensely I began to worry about him driving, but I took breath, a look down, and said "yeah."

Apparently, he was worried, too, because he immediately swerved across a lane of traffic and pulled onto the shoulder of the road with an impressive rattle of gravel and dust.

"Oh my God," he said, "tell me _everything_."


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look! I'm finally trying to get some more chapters up! I've been feeling like I might be able to set aside time to write fic again. Wish me luck.

I insisted he at least feed me while we were talking, so we found a local diner and settled into a booth. He was wriggling in anticipation the whole time I looked at the menu, and between that and thinking back over the last few weeks, I was feeling kind of overwhelmed and shaky, myself. His eyes nearly bugged out of his head when I ordered a cheeseburger.

"You're on the meat, again? Ay, this is really something…"

"You know, I do often go carno after a long time on the vegan train. You know I believe all things in moderation."

"Stuff it, Cosima, and get to the story."

So I told him, with necessary edits, of course.

I used to be really bad at lying, obfuscation, even lying by omission. Maybe it was because I'd spent so much time forced into keeping up appearances with my holy roller parents. Maybe it's just who I am. I'm emotional, I crave honesty, connection and knowing. Trying to deny myself of that when I was younger just tied me in knots, compacting my spirit until it had to explode outward. Shay and I had quite a few fights about it, when we were first on the run. It came to a point where she began teaching me meditation just to stay calm so I wouldn't blurt out everything to anyone. We conducted our own, private acting classes, first by rote and then improvisational.

The funny thing was, the more I got into exploring the spiritual, the meditational, the better I became at omitting the parts of my history and emotions I had to hide to stay safe, keep any questions about my identity comfortably controlled. It made me calmer, relaxing the feedback loop of tense heart, tense muscles, tense mind. When I envisioned the world as containing so many layers and energies, clinging to one particular path didn't seem so necessary. I cleared my mind, took each decision in less of a panicked, temperamental rush, and let myself be in the moment, instead of _I want, I want, I want..._

I even became a better listener. I took in more of what people were saying so that I could analyze their reactions, say less myself, but it evolved into letting the part of me that was engaged, caring, nurturing, come forward. I couldn't connect to them with the whole of my ego, my desires, but I could quiet my self-involved thoughts and really focus on what they were saying, along with the stories their bodies and facial expressions told. It actually felt really good. As much as I'd loved the science, the puzzle-solving and intellectual pursuits, there had been a part of me that was lonely, that needed to get out of my head and get grounded in the basic, human desire for social interaction and bonding. So, while I said less about myself and some parts of my life, I listened and spoke more to the universal truths, the simple answers to complex problems which was letting them go, existing and letting things take care of themselves. My past, my issues, they were mine, and I could take care of them mainly by taking care of myself, and learning to let them go. Sure, I had a few people I could confide in about things, like Shay, Sarah, and later, Margot. But the feeling of quietly releasing my anxiety and hurt, of moving through the world thoughtfully, carefully, but with the assumption that everything would be okay, that I was merely a part in a vast whole — where all the intricacies of life were based on some real and grounding constants — it was liberating, reassuring. It was possibly a really bass-ackwards way to get involved with spiritual enlightenment, by starting it with learning haow to hold back and make up stories about who I'd been, but it worked, for me. Plus, people don't need to know all the details. Tell them you empathise with them due to some pains or joys in your past, and it creates a feeling of mutual understanding, which, let's face it, would not go as smoothly if you told them you were a clone who'd escaped some sort of genetic-manipulation war. I mean, who can relate to that, right?

So, Teo knew a lot about me, but he didn't know all the dangerous stuff. I'd revealed to him that I had to keep a low profile due to having been manipulated by some government and big-business types, but I never mentioned DYAD, or Topside, specifically. I let him know I'd been part of an experiment on genetic manipulation, but not a human clone. I let him know what he needed to know, what was fair to him when considering us making a child together — that I had had some gynecological issues in the past but was now biologically sound, that I had a lifestyle of roaming that would both give him and Michael the majority of the parenting time and keep us all safe, that I was willing to take as much or as little part in the family as worked for them. But there was a lot I didn't say, and I really said very little about _her_.

It came out when we were in some maudlin conversation, or when I was drunk or super-stoned. There had been a woman. I'd loved her. I'd thought she was The One, the true love I was supposed to have a life with, you know? But that some shit went down, and everyone got hurt, and that was all a part of a history I wanted to leave behind me, now. He got it, how important this person had been to me, how I'd been shaken, even if my words about her were far and few between. Delphine. He didn't know who she was, but he knew she was important to me, and that was enough to make her important to him.

"Wow," he breathed, after I told him how she and I had been reunited by surprise, how we'd worked out all the wounds from our past and, in our maturity, had formed an even tighter bond than the circumstances of our shared history had allowed. How we reconciled, how she was amazing, how truly head-over-heels I was. And, of course, that the sex was great, mind-blowing, even, because of course he would ask, but that it was more than that, because I didn't even feel comfortable calling it sex, a lot of the time. It was important to me, deep, so I couldn't dish about it the way we had about previous dates and conquests. I needed to call it making love. "Oh my God, this is serious. You look happy, Cos. Really." He cocked his head as his mischievous smile spread again. "So when do we get to meet her?"

"Um, it could be pretty soon," I admitted, trying to smother my shit-eating grin. "I'm gonna see her while I'm out in Massachusetts, and then she may come visit in Woodstock. Maybe even," I found myself biting my lip, then feeling a warm glow as the sensation of the action reminded me of her, "if everything goes okay, maybe she can meet you guys and Sevvy in a couple weeks?"

His look of surprise and excitement morphed into something deeper, and when he glanced down and back up again, I realized that his eyes were welling up with tears. That sweet, sentimental, actually _sappy_ hispano. He really was such a romantic.

"Yes, of course." He grabbed my hands in his own and squeezed. "I'm so happy for you, Cos. We'd be honoured."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Smut on the rocks. No yurt.

Of course, Teo was right. When we got back to the house, I hugged and greeted Michael, but when Sevvy ran out the door at me yelling "Mommy," I kind of lost my head. I'd always thought kids were awesome, but figured I'd never have one, and I was fine with that. I had other things to do. But I guess maybe it's true what they say about having your own child changing things, because seeing him smile filled me with joy to near bursting. Or it could just be because he's literally super-cute and a genius. But, apparently, that's what most parents think about their kids. Biology, man. It's a trip.

I caught up on how his fútbol season was going and how he and Addie had put on a puppet show in the basement for her mom and his dads, and how he loved me and wanted to know if we could work on his paper plane designs in the morning, and it seemed like no time passed before dinner was over and Teo was taking him to brush his teeth. Of course, I say it seemed like no time went by, but my body reminded me I was tired by a heaviness and exhalation as they left the room.

Michael knew something was up — Teo had said something to him while Sevvy and I were setting the table — but he needed details. So, I went over it again for him, this time more briefly and interspersed with yawning. We cut it short, agreeing to talk more in the morning, because by then it was time to read to Sevvy and kiss him goodnight. I got to read a story this time, semi-reclining against a pillow and the headboard of his bed, as he leaned back against me, the comfortable, comforting warmth of him easing into my chest, and his breaths shifting as he got sleepier. I meant to go into the other bedroom, but he clung to me, mostly asleep, when I tried, so I settled in next to him and let myself drift off with my arms around my precious guy. It felt so sweet, just at my last waking moment, to imagine him and the woman I loved meeting soon. If it meant I had to burst with happiness when it happened, I teased myself in my own head, at least that was a good way to go.

In the morning there were banana pancakes and a good session of making paper airplanes of different shapes and designs, and observing how far, how fast, and how true each flew, me explaining some of the dynamics behind the folds we were making and the forces of wind and gravity as we played. I patted his head and left him drawing a bluebird on the side of one of the more swoopy ones, realizing that if I waited much longer to shower I'd be even more behind schedule than usual. I paused for a few minutes to re-read my texts:

Are you home safe, mon amour?

Yes, finally. You?

Traffic was awful, but it gave me time to think about you. I miss you already.

I couldn't help my cheesy, swooning grin.

Me too. Not much longer.

I know. Have a lovely time with Severo. I love you very much.

I love you, too. See you soon. The carriage house, right?

Yes. I'll be waiting, my love. XO

XO to you, too, baby mine.

I must have lain on the bed for a while, just… shmooping out and grinning, because sure enough, I was only half-dressed when the honk sounded out in the driveway, and I heard Teo yell out the screen door, "come on up! Her highness is late, as always." A few minutes later, as I was finishing my eyeliner, there was a brief knock before, or really as, 'Nique barged in and plopped herself on the bed.

"Hey, hey. How's it going? How far are you from ready," she asked. She had known me a long time, now, as a co-worker at various healing centers and retreats, a friend, and my sometime kind of chauffeur. She knew the deal.

"Hey. I'm totally almost there," I answered, finishing the last swoosh and capping the tube. Funny how I'd started doing it like I used to, now and then. She gave a wry look askance at my suitcase, which was erupting with unfolded clothing, toiletries and electronic charger cords. "What? No, just help me zip it up," I told her. She ended up sealing it with a great effort after I pushed everything just past the edges and sat on it.

Downstairs, I had to say goodbye to my boys, again. Sevvy wasn't thrilled, but he was used to it, and accepted it when I told him I'd be back in twelve days. The bigger boys probably wished I had a bit longer to gossip first, but as adults they accepted my circumstances and sent me off with kisses on my cheeks.

"Okay, so Teo said you're into someone," 'Nique said as we left town limits. "You know you've got to tell me, now." I half-laughed, half-groaned. I was happy with the news I was sharing, and I was happy to have these people in my life who cared about what was going on with me, but I'd need another cup of coffee before unpacking the whole Amazing Surprise Ex Reunion story again.

We spent the trip in our usual way, telling stories and giggling and shouting along when she put on some dirty, ancient Prince songs. We arrived at the center just in time to grab a bite before the staff meeting started, and then got to unpacking our supplies in the massage and yoga rooms.

It was dark by the time she dropped me at the B&B, teasing me lightly about if I was sure I would have as good a time not staying in our usual shared room at the retreat center. I laughed along, but as soon as I closed the car door and she rolled off, I was filled with a thrumming, visceral excitement that made me hold my breath, squeezing myself and rising on my toes, an electric sparkle moving from my chest to lower belly, and further down. I took a moment to take a deep breath, both savouring the moment and grounding myself, then turned and gathered my things in my arms and headed inside. Nobody was at the front desk, so it took me about two seconds to sign in and take off for the carriage house suite. I only made it partway down the path to the door, shoes crunching gravel, when the door opened, a welcoming, golden light spilling out from within. And within that glow, and the outdoor light's whiter circle, she stood: Delphine. My love. Her hair down, softly curling to her shoulders, gorgeous in plain jeans and a tank top, drawing her to me with her smile.

I thought we were just going to embrace and have a quick kiss before ducking inside, but it turned into much more than that. I've had, you know, a lot of really good lovers in my past, but nobody kisses like Delphine fucking Cormier. It's not even her technique, though my god, she's got it, but just the way she somehow just, like, _emotes_ and puts out this _energy_. It's like, she wants to kiss me so badly, to express herself, that she puts her _soul_ into it. I can just _feel_ how strongly she wants to be with me, like she's drawing me into some kind of spiral of love, or something. I feel like I'm not expressing myself well, here. Maybe it's because I can feel that intensity, that _meaning_ from her whenever she kisses me, and not just when it's a deep kiss. Even when she's gentle, barely brushing my lips with hers, tickling me just the tiniest bit with her tongue, mingling our breath… Jesus. It's like something beyond me, and her. Her lips touch mine and her hands cradle my face and it makes me think of stardust, and time, and what atoms we could have shared all the way back to the big bang, the forming of the universe. Or maybe it's just because I love her, and she's brilliant and sweet and gorgeous and… no, I go back to the shared atoms theory. It's like we were a part of each other before we even knew each other, and then, when we met… Boom.

Or maybe we were together in past lives.

Anyway, she started kissing me in that way, holding me tightly and drawing me in, and I was going right along with it and kissing her harder, and I was practically ready to rip my undies off and twirl them around my head, she got me so… _wow._ The only thing that was stopping me from it wasn't being outside, it was that I was just dying for _her_ to rip them off me. Instead, I pressed into her to push her back into the room, and I felt something, I wasn't sure, but… I pulled back a bit and looked at her.

"Whoa, Doctor Cormier, is that a, a dildo in your pocket, or are you happy to see me," I joked, breaking into a sweat.

"Why can't it be both," she teased. Delphine fucking Cormier. Packing. A. Strap-on. My undies practically slid off of me from the rush of wetness to my core at that. This time I gave her a good shove inside, clinging onto her, and she laughed and kept backing up, pulling me onto the bed.

You'd have thought we hadn't seen each other for months, the way we kissed and grappled, shucking our clothing while trying to keep our bodies from breaking apart, not only two days. But then, before we met again at the retreat in the rainforest, we hadn't seen each other for years. We had a lot to make up for… rediscover… discover.

We kissed as we pulled off the last of our clothing, her sitting on the bed and me straddling her lap. God, the moles and freckles on her neck slayed me. The way I wanted her and she wanted me building into a rising, echoing feedback loop made me forget every bad thing that had ever happened. The way she grabbed me and flipped us over, I gasped and chuckled, remembering that first time we were together, way back when, when she was so nervous but so eager under it all, and vacillated, shaking, between this so-soft, tender hesitance and a somewhat clumsy, but still thrilling, desire-spurred aggression. But we were both older and had experienced so much more since then, learned where our needs and our power were. My laughter was cut off by a low, spontaneous and uncontrollable groan as she slid her strong, slim legs between mine and the surprise toy pressed against me. I simultaneously wanted her inside me that instant and wanted to just make out with her for hours, luxuriating in the sensation of our whole bodies rolling together, building in a slow tease. I was suddenly glad we'd had that conversation in that night-dimmed room back at the resort, occasionally distracted by the orange sparks and glow of hot rocks rolling down the volcano, about what we really liked, what we'd really like to do to and explore with each other, when we got back to the states. I was also glad that she'd decided to be bold and surprise me. She could be such an angelic picture of feminine charms, soft hair, wide eyes, perfect bow mouth. She could be so gentle, protective, romantic and inviting, drawing me into her. But to have her this way, forward and assertive, proving her desire to fill me, fuck me, fall into me, to know that she had strapped that harness on and tucked that silicone shaft under her pants, feeling it press against her leg and shift as she waited for me to arrive, made me shudder in pleasure and anticipation. It played with everything many people would assume about a soft-spoken, thoughtful, French beauty in a dress, fucked merrily with the gender roles and swung to, from and between give and take. To be honest, I felt like the luckiest girl in the world at that moment, full and spilling over with _yes_ ses and brushing up against nirvana. She slid down my body, kissing, sucking and nipping, and every little thing she did to me blew my mind all over again.

Will it make sense to you if I tell you that what she did to me that night felt both revelatory and like the most inevitable, comfortable thing in the world? The way we connected made everything feel so right, so real, as if it and our union were some universal, foregone conclusion. I had learned a lot about free will and destiny over the years of my spiritual searching, discovering. Being with Delphine was like the perfect blend of both of them at once. We were meant to be together; we chose to be together. It was so easy and had been so hard.

And the amazing way Delphine threw heart and soul into every kiss? That wasn't limited to kisses on the mouth.

She brought me to a slow, soft tremor of an orgasm with her lips and tongue, groaning into me in appreciation the whole time. Then she slid up my body and entered me with such reverent, intense, precise attention to how every shift made me feel and react, when we rocked together it felt like we were some deeply connected, perfectly tuned instrument. The cello and the bow needed each other, worked in tandem to make each note, each moan, each sigh. And she played me like an expert, like I was resonant, rare and precious, until I could barely move, much less come, anymore.

Lucky, lucky me. The luckiest girl.

The harness thrown to the floor, we held each other, mingling scents and sweat. She pulled the sheets up to our waists and stroked my head on her shoulder. I was totally, as 'Nique would say, _wored. out._

"Mmm, baby. You're amazing," I told her, nuzzling her neck. "I'm just so happy to be here with you."

"Me too, mon amour," she smiled, pulling back her head to place a kiss on my forehead. "It still feels like such a miracle, that we found each other again. After two days I was like a little kid, unable to stay still or think about anything but being with you. I love that you're real, here, in my arms."

"Oh, I'm real," I chuckled, "and will probably be a little sore, later on. The things you did to me. I need to recover. Would you mind if I get you back tomorrow?"

She let out an amused scoff and ruffled my dreads.

"Of course, my love. You get your rest. Besides, I had a wonderful time myself, making love to you, watching you release. I don't need any more, now, except maybe some water."

I cocked my head to look at her as she slid gently from underneath me, smiling as she took a step backward toward the bathroom.

"Really," I asked, with a twist of my lips. I was feeling a little coy, wanting to make sure she didn't feel cheated.

"You couldn't tell?" she stepped back toward me and gave me a little stroke on my hip, smile spreading. She leaned down and kissed me, then spoke lowly into my ear. "I couldn't help it, mon amour. Just watching you is enough to make me come."

Holy crap. I was slack-jawed. The luckiest girl alive.

Before I could say anything, she slipped into the bathroom. There was the sound of the sink running and a little splashing, then she came back with two glasses of water. We both drank, my eyelids beginning to droop, and she set the glasses on the nightstand, adjusting back under the covers so I could put my head on her shoulder again. As I let gravity sink my cheek into her chest and inhaled her unmistakable, intoxicating scent, it felt like, at that moment, everything was right in the world. I fell asleep there, cozy and satiated.

Of course, when I woke up a bit later, I was careful not to rouse her. I had a quick pee and a wash-up, then found myself grinning as I brushed my teeth, seeing the relaxed curve of her cheek in the moonlight through the slightly-open door, my special, sleeping beauty. I spent a minute just watching her, plotting. I resolved I would surprise her with some moves of my own, come morning.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you smell the mountain air?

Our schedule wasn't so different in the Berkshires from what it had been in the rainforest. Most days, we woke early and had a quick breakfast before she drove me over to the center to teach my morning yoga class. Once in awhile she joined the class, and I had to work a little harder to focus on what I was doing. It was a trip, just wanting to grin like an idiot as she moved into poses. She was improving her form, but it didn't matter if she got it right. She could have fallen right over and I'd still think she was brilliant and beautiful. I'd really have to restrain myself from envisioning what other kind of poses we might get up to that night. My yoga outfits did little to hide it if a rosy flush crept up my chest.

I'd do whatever classes and appointments I'd scheduled, and either I'd have lunch with the gang at the center, or she'd come by with something local and yummy she'd picked up. We'd sit out in the sun and look at the trees and mountains... well, we'd kind of look at them. Mostly, our eyes were drawn to each other.

We talked, too. Things we had learned or read about. Things we didn't know about each other, and there were plenty of them. For two people so in love we really hadn't had a lot of time together. The rainforest, the volcano and these mountains, they were the places we'd finally been able to really communicate. It felt great, but a little funny, sometimes. When we first met, we spent so much time reacting to our circumstances, to the totally crazy clone shit that we were immersed in, stuff that literally became about life or death. My emotions were all over the place from constantly being blindsided and never knowing what or who to trust. Eventually, it all became too much. Maybe if she'd been more apologetic, or bolder… maybe if I had been more certain, more faithful, less hurt… maybe I wouldn't have left with Shay. But that's what happens when so much drama goes on. It was amazing, really, that we'd had the time and the love we'd had, considering everything that was going on. Now we had a chance to normalize it, to deepen our understanding, to really explore and evaluate what this connection between us was, and who we really were at the core, essentially.

But how could I be bitter for lost years when having her with me again, now, was so wonderful?

Anyway, what we did after that depended on my evening schedule. I might have another class before she'd pick me up for dinner, or, like on orientation night, I might have a dinner to attend. After that, it was back to the b&b and what most people do on a romantic getaway. We made love a lot, but also cuddled and just enjoyed each other's company. She was reading Oliver Sacks and I was reading about the intersection of physics and energetic healing, and we'd stop once in awhile to read each other a particularly interesting passage. She took in all my quotes and comments with wide, serious eyes, like she was dedicating herself to hearing and being open to it all, because it was me who said it.

One particular day I had nothing scheduled after lunch, so I emerged from the main building to find her leaning against the car, a smile on her face as I approached her.

"What," I asked, feeling myself break into a grin in return.

"Just you," she said softly, and gave me a gentle kiss. Ugh. The warm tingles.

She drove us out to a small lake and grabbed a cooler out of the back seat, holding her hand out behind her until I took it. She headed into the woods and we walked a little while, following a gentle, climbing and curving trail marked by green blazes. We didn't say much. Being together there on that beautiful day was enough. When we reached a small plateau near the top she spread out a blanket for us, and took out the food. There were grapes, and cheese, and a couple well-stuffed falafel sandwiches, but her her eyes sparkled as she pulled out two bottles.

"Look what I found," she smiled, with that crinkle around her eyes, and held them out. I made a little "oh" as I looked. It was the same brand of coconut water I had been hoarding at the rainforest retreat.

"Oh, wow, nice. You're adorable," I told her, and she was.

"Sooo," I began after we'd eaten and were sitting shoulder to shoulder, taking in the view, a few trees nudging toward their Autumn colours early. "How close are you to being ready for the semester?"

"Mm, very close. You know when I set my mind to something I can do it quickly."

"Yeah, and safer than I ever did," I acknowledged. "I'd probably try crowdsourcing my class plans and syllabus and then at the last minute substituting in what I wanted. Come to think of it, crowdsourcing education can have a lot of benefits…" I was going off on one of my little side trips, again.

"Yes, but then I would probably be out of a job," she chuckled. "I love how your mind works. I always have." We both smiled and she nuzzled by my ear with her nose.

"Yeah, it's my emotions you gotta watch out for," I half-joked, feeling a twinge over how things had gone between us in the past, then reminding myself how well they were going in the present. I drew a breath.

"So, how would you, uh, like to come to Woodstock and meet the boys," I asked her. "The older ones are dying to meet you, and Sevvy, well… I want you to meet each other, because I'm hoping to see a lot more of both of you."

She caught her breath and held it a moment to avoid letting out a sob. Her eyes were full of tears, but her smile was luminous.

"Yes," she said, her voice full of emotion. "Thank you. I would like that very much." I couldn't help grinning back at her, and we shared a long, deep kiss, punctuated by a few stray tears.

"And I, there's something I wanted to ask you," she said, as we eased apart. She held one of my hands in hers, playing with my fingers a little bit. I gave her an open look.

"Would you consider… coming with me to France, around the holidays? You could meet my sister…" She was still smiling as she bit her lip. Neither of us took anything for granted, now.

"Well, I'd have to work out the dates. You know, as much as we try to raise him in a non-religious, multi-ethnic, consumerism-skeptical kind of way, Sevvy still gets really excited for Christmas," I explained. "I'll have to be with him on the day, but if we can do a work-around…" I swallowed the lump that suddenly formed in my throat. "Fuck, yeah. I'd be so honoured."

And there it was. We were both putting trust in each other, pulling each other into our lives that had been so singular and separate. This was a luxury, to have time, space and peace enough to do what normal people do every day. This was a huge milepost in our relationship, or kilometer-post, depending on how you look at it. Ha, but seriously, I think we were both a little dizzy and dazzled by finally getting there. We shared a tight, lasting hug, and a few soft kisses.

"God, I love you," I told her.

"Je t'aime," she whispered, and my heart filled with stars.


	5. Chapter 5

"That's it," I encouraged her, "keep breathing. Now we're moving the energy up from your heart chakra to your throat. Keep your hips pumping. Goooood."

She had been a bit awkward and obviously hiding some skepticism at first, but she started gamely and had become more focussed as we went on. A small noise eked out of her throat but she stifled it.

"If you feel like making noise, let it out. This chakra is important in communication, clearing out things swallowed instead of spoken. We're safe here."

She gave a tiny nod, then let out a soft, low moan, then another, louder.

"Yes, you're releasing," I told her. "You have the right to free your voice. Now keep growing the energy up and into your third eye."

Normally I remained supportive and serious in cases like this, but when her groans turned into increasingly fervent, short, rhythmic moans, I couldn't help but grin and flush a little. What can I say?

"Okay, time to tense up again. Hold it. Hoooold it. Release. Good. Start moving again."

I could feel her energy rising, and I could tell she was on the edge. As a scientist, I could've chalked this up to reading her physical cues. I could attempt to explain what she was experiencing as a physiological response to certain body movements, breathing patterns and mental reinforcement, the famous placebo effect you've probably heard about. But I'm not a scientist, anymore. And now I know that sometimes we just generate a little magic.

When I could hear her breaths getting ragged and feel her qi bursting from her forehead, I urged her to move the energy up to her crown chakra, building and washing down her body, the universal energy being drawn in and added to her own.

"Now tighten! Tighten everything! Tight, tight, tight… now release," I guided her, and she did. Her body shifted from pelvic thrusting and muscle tension to relaxation, and she let out a long cry as a wave pulsated through her, causing her to tilt her head back and tremble. I waited with her for a while, supportive, satisfied, until she came down.

"And _that_ ," I told her with a grin, when her eyes slid barely open, "is a full-body energy orgasm."

She was still breathing a little hard. She lifted up her heavy arm and touched my cheek with her fingertips.

" _Merde,_ " she eloquently evaluated. I couldn't help but chuckle, catching her hand as she let it fall and then squeezing it.

"I can leave you alone for a little while, if you want," I offered. "So you can rest and re-ground yourself."

" _Non,_ " she insisted, still somewhat out of breath. "Come here. Lay beside me."

I did as I was told and she pulled my head onto her shoulder, kissing my temple tenderly. We laid like that for a while, just breathing, the room mostly dark except for flame-glow, mostly silent except for the occasional popping of embers in the fire. I ran my fingers up over her tank top from her abdomen to the place where her skin met cloth, and absently drew patterns on her clavicle. I felt a hum inside me of sweet contentment, and I had to turn to kiss her jaw.

"So, are you ready?" I asked softly.

"For more energetic orgasms?" she inquired, playing it straight-faced.

"Ha ha. No, to go to Woodstock, meet my guys." It was the last night in the Berkshires, and we had made the arrangements more quickly than we'd expected. We were on the eve of this milestone, and I felt the need to keep checking in. She shrugged a little beneath me.

"I'm ready for wherever you want me to go with you, mon amour." I looked up at her sincere expression.

"You are so fucking cheesy and romantic. Never change," I ordered her, then tacked on " _mon amour_ " in my laughable French accent. We both chuckled and shared a kiss and a squeeze. "So, what did you think about the energy orgasm? Seemed like you had a pretty good time, there."

"Was I that obvious," she smiled, stroking my hair. "You were right, it was a unique experience. It was intense, but joyful… almost, spiritual, you could say?"

"Yeah, good, I'm glad. The point is to feel connected to everything and invigorated by it," I told her. "I mean, you and I, we both love the intellectual experience, but this is about _feeling_ , you know?" She smiled understandingly back at me. "And I think that, really, you're one of the most feeling people I've ever known. You just had to… hide it away for a long time. Emotion in relationships with others is so important, but your relationship with, you know, the life force that created everything, it's reassuring and strengthening. I want you to feel that, too."

"I do, my love." She pressed a soft kiss to my forehead. "Thank you for showing me so much of what you do and believe."

"Mmm," I hummed, running my hand back down to the space where her top and pyjama bottoms just failed to meet, leaving a small, soft belt of creamy skin at her navel, which I rubbed slowly.

"But," she said, and paused. I lifted up my head a bit to look at her.

"But what?"

"But, would I be terrible if I said I wouldn't mind a sexual orgasm, too?" Her grin brought out her dimples. Cheeky girl.

We both giggled as I rolled over onto her, supporting my upper body with my arms.

"You would be terrible," I murmured, but was drawn in by her beckoning lips and had to kiss her.

"I would be terrible and...? but...?" she teased me when I pulled back slightly from the kiss.

"Just shut up," I moaned, and we began to make out in earnest.

It was so luxurious to touch her, slowly, all over, to feel the teeth that so often bit her own lip tug at mine. I loved the sounds we made, together, our breaths, our sighs, small moans and the soft, wet noises of mouths meeting each other, tasting other skin. Our hands wandered and our bodies shifted, twisted and curved to meet one another. I got so into it that I forgot we were on the floor, and she had to tickle my ribs a little bit to get me to back up so she could suggest we take things to the bed.

We stripped quickly, and were back to kissing before we even sat down.

"So, wanna use any particular toys tonight," I asked, trying not to bust out into a completely cheesy grin when she ran her hands over my ass.

"Non," she said in that husky way that drove me crazy, and gave me a little push so I sat on the bed. She lifted one of those long legs to rest on one side of me, then climbed up to straddle me fully. She wove her arms around me, fingers tracing the back of my neck, the path between my shoulder blades, and brushed her lips against mine. "Just your hands," she instructed, pressing her center closer to mine. "You are my very best sex toy."

"Hey," I started, wanting for a second to protest being called a toy, but then I decided I was pleased with her teasing. I let out a small scoff at myself, and urged her "c'mere…"

I slid back a bit on the bed so I could fold my legs beneath her, and she moved with me, wrapping her legs around me as we settled. Her nipples brushed against mine and I lost my breath, a jolt of pleasure flooding my body and brain. She was starting to grind slowly against me as I brought one hand up to cup and stroke her breasts, the other holding her against me. She started making little moans and huffs as we kissed and pressed, kissed and pressed, and then she took my hand from her chest and pressed my palm to her lips. Her eyes were dark and heavy with desire, yet she still managed to look at me like she was delving into me, reaching for and exploring my mind and soul as if they were the greatest, most fascinating mysteries on Earth. I was losing track of everything except the feel of her when she turned my hand with her own and ran her tongue up my fingers, then enveloped three of them in her hot mouth and sucked on them softly. Holy fucking shit.

"Huhhh," I let out, eloquently.

She gently pulled my hand from her mouth and drew it down between her legs, her intense, stunning eyes locked on mine the whole time. When my fingers stroked through her wet heat we both let out a sigh. She squeezed my hand, and I knew what she wanted: no teasing, no extra build-up needed; she was already soft and slick, close to dripping. I slid my fingers inside her, and it felt like a necessity, like the very beating of our hearts and movement of our breaths depended on it. I felt like I could feel her pulse envelop me, throbbing all the way from my fingers up my arm and down to the core of my arousal, her desire spinning on my palm as her inner muscles drew me in and we began to purl against one another.

"Oh…" she breathed, but we didn't need any words, not with our eyes, our bodies, our souls linked like that.

I watched her as she rode my hand and lap — fluid, graceful. Her lips were parted and her breaths would tremble and flow, tremble and flow… I watched her, looked at her eyes, her mouth, the fine crow's-feet crossing above the apples of her cheeks at the corners of her eyes, the smile lines that had been etched from her nose to her lips, and the small lines between her eyebrows that began to deepen as I watched, her brows slightly furrowing in concentration and pleasure. Up at her hairline just a few grey strands appeared at her roots, emerging stealthily from her most recent hair colouring. I loved them. I loved that she had pushed through life, through the hard times and hard choices to earn them and to bring us here, back together, after so much time, after it seemed we'd never see each other again, much less reunite. But we were meant to, it was clear.

 _I love this woman_ , I thought, as I braced my hand against my pelvis and began to thrust deeper into her. I curled my fingers and began a secondary rhythm with them. _I love this woman, and I want to be with her. I want to be with her as much as possible, for as long as possible,_ I knew. _I want us to share a life together._ Her hips stuttered and her breath hitched into moans that rose in pitch and volume. I watched her come apart, and it tumbled through me, until I, like she had, was coming from witnessing her pleasure.

We clung to each other as we rode out the last waves, and then she began a slow, spent lean backwards until I caught and tried to stop her, and we both toppled over sideways on the bed, all jumbled limbs and catching breaths and buzzing nerves.

So very lucky.

Her eyes met mine again, wide open and sincere, almost in awe, although I imagine it was more at our connection than anything particular I did. She stroked my face, reverently, softly, and I found myself doing the same to her. We stayed like that and sank into it, like a pillow of down, for I don't know how long.

"I'm just… overjoyed you're coming," I told her, breaking the silence. The corners of her beautiful mouth curved upwards, and she kissed my hand.

"I'm so happy," she whispered, and I felt as if I was finally present and still in my life, like my brain relaxed and my bones settled into a sweet, steady hum… like I didn't have to — didn't want to — run anymore. Together, we'd be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New Agers have orgasms, too. Hippiegasms?


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter: Careening around roads! Tears! Dimples! Pasta! Domesticity! 
> 
> Another chapter re-uploaded/restored. Thanks to all my readers and supporters. I always love to read your comments. :)

“Ten minutes to back out,” I joked, as we made the turnoff onto the “charming country lane,” as Michael called it.  She glanced at me and gave me a little smile, but I knew she was nervous.  I’d caught her nibbling her lip several times, and although I’d got her dancing in her seat when I put on  _ Jack U Off _ ,  that was a few dozen miles ago.

 

“That’s cute, but you’re not helping,” she informed me, her voice subdued, and schooled her face into that flat affect front that she sometimes fell back on when under pressure.  “Unless it is you who is having thoughts of backing out…”

 

“Wait, whoa whoa, no,” I interjected.  “I’m just trying to dispel any tension.  I think we’re both a little edgy, but I’m pretty damn sure they’ll all love you.”  I had pulled my bare feet off the dashboard and turned toward her in my seat to say that, and she gave me a brief look that expressed that she was trying to buy it, despite knowing this was a big deal.  “Hey, relax,” I told her, placing a hand on her shoulder.  “It’s— oh,  _ shit!  _  Take this right!”

 

The tires squealed a little as she took my last-minute directions, and we had to swerve to avoid the street sign.  “Sorry,” I apologized, just as she sighed “ _ Cosima _ ” under her breath.  Then I couldn’t help but start giggling.  She rolled her eyes, but at least she seemed to have shaken off her nerves for the moment, about being at the house, at least, if not so much getting there.

 

“Left here,” I pointed out, making sure there was plenty of distance to signal and turn this time.  We passed an antiques store, a bed and breakfast, a pub, a small playground.  Space grew between yards as the land beside the road rose into a gentle hill.  Then there we were, the meticulously cared-for wood-sided house in white and blue, with the front-facing porch and the driveway winding around to the back.  We pulled in, me grinning excitedly and sliding on my shoes, and I said “just park here” as we got around to the side of the house just before the rear deck.

 

“This is it,” I nodded, turning to her and squeezing her hand.  “Ready?”

 

“As I’ll ever be,” she answered, and I almost chuckled at the slight oddity of the colloquialism in her accent.  Sometimes I could swear she was speaking in cursive.

 

There was a call of “hey” and the swing and slap of the screen door, and Michael came jogging down the stairs to meet us. 

 

“Hey, Michael,” I answered, climbing out of the car, wrapping my arms around him and squeezing as he enveloped me in a hug.  “Ah, the beard is growing, again, eh,” I observed, as he placed a kiss on the top of my head and stepped back.

 

“You know me,” he said in his gentle voice.  “Summer winds down and I become a mountain man.”  He looked up with a smile and his kind eyes shining.  “You must be Delphine.  Welcome.”

 

Delphine stood between her open door and the body of the car, smiling back.  Maybe it was better she met him first.  Michael can be very grounding.  Teo has more energy than even me when I haven’t done pot in a while.  They both rounded the car and met at the back, where Michael held out his hand and Delphine took it in a simple shake.

 

“Let me get your luggage,” he insisted.  “I’ll bring it to your room.”

 

Just then there was the bang of the screen door, again, and I turned to see Teo striding toward us, full toothpaste commercial smile on blast, and in front of him ran my little dear heart…

 

“Mommy,” Sevvy yelled, and flung himself at me.  I caught him in a hug.

 

“Hey, buddy,” I murmured into his hair, after kissing his cheek.  “I’m glad to see you.”  I let us both fully take each other in for a moment, then leaned back a bit.  “Would you like to meet my friend?”

 

He nodded, his cheeks a little flushed with excitement.  Behind me, I heard a murmur of voices and turned around.  Delphine and Teo stood close to one another, almost shoulder to shoulder, both watching my interaction with Sevvy intently.  Both of them seemed to have tears welling up at the same time, her eyebrows raised and dimples showing, him… well, damn if his eyebrows weren’t raised and his dimples showing, too.  The thought made me giggle.

 

“Okay.  Sevvy,” I said, and led him to them with a small touch to his shoulder, “this is Delphine, who we told you about.  Delphine, this…” I looked up into her eyes, brimming over, her smile which trembled slightly as she sniffled the tears back, and I felt emotion well up in my throat and tear ducts, as well. I swallowed.  “This is Sevvy, a totally awesome dude, and my son.”

 

“Hi,” Sevvy said affably, “I’m Sevvy,” and he gave a little roll of his wrist and fingers in greeting so much like my habitual wave.  A sound came out of my lover, sort of like a stifled laugh mixed with a small, breathy cry. 

 

“Hello,” she said, and bent down into a crouch to get on his level.  “I’m Delphine.  Your mother has told me about you. I’m very happy to meet you.”

 

Sevvy’s dimples deepened, too.  He solemnly reached out his hand for a handshake, something he had taken up doing, of late, something that made me realize how much he was growing up every time he did it.  Delphine took his hand gently, mirroring his slightly formal air as she did it.

 

“Enchanté,” said one love of my life, as she moved their arms up and down once.  Sevvy cocked his head and grinned.

 

“Enchanté,” replied the other love of my life, gamely, even though the word was not quite right and a little bit thick on his tongue.

 

Delphine’s eyes rose to meet mine, and there was a brief moment where I thought we were both gonna lose it.  I quickly straightened up and tousled Sevvy’s hair.

 

“So, what’s for lunch, buddy,” I asked him, and he turned around and immediately began running toward the porch door.

 

“Pasta,” he yelled, not even looking to see if we were following, his voice filled with glee.  “Come n’ get it!”  He dashed through the screen door in an instant and it swung and  _ thwacked  _ behind him. We adults all looked at each other for a moment, all smiles and light chuckles.

  
“You heard the man,” Teo finally said, after clearing his throat.  “Let’s go eat.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all, I can't believe the saga it has been writing, editing, posting and restoring this fic. I started this damn thing in 2015! I swear I will finish it this year, spaghetti monster as my witness.
> 
> Thanks for all your support!

That first day, Sevvy discovered that “she” (he had a little trouble pronouncing “Delphine,” at first) ate holding her fork and knife “like Papa.”  He pointed out that Michael and I held ours “the other way,” and Teo had a little conversation with him about how people from other countries do things differently sometimes.  When we switched to the big boys asking Delphine about her work, I noticed that Sevvy was peering at Delphine thoughtfully for a moment, and then switched to holding his fork in his left hand.  I knew he had done this before, with Teo’s friends and relatives, but it stood out to me.  My sweet boy liked to watch Delphine, too (let’s be honest, who didn’t,) and was making an effort to understand and connect with her.  I don’t think anybody else noticed, but I found myself smiling, forgetting the penne I held on my fork until it grew cold.

 

Michael got him washed up for nap time while Teo cleaned up the table, and we went and put away our clothing (Delphine couldn’t conscience staying more than an hour without unpacking her things and hanging them neatly.) 

 

“Your son,” she said, after we’d finished and I’d caught her and pulled her down onto the bedspread for a kiss and cuddle, “he’s lovely.  He’s so like you.  I can see Teo and Michael in him, too, but I know your gestures and habits, and it…”  She blew out a lungful of air, blinking rapidly to chase back the welling tears.  “It’s amazing.  I’m so grateful to get to see you and him together.”

 

“Yeah, that’s my Cookie Head,” I grinned, using one of our classic nicknames for him.  “He seems to like you.  I’m really glad we’re all going to get to spend some time together.”  I rubbed our noses together and pressed a small kiss to one of her dimples, and she hummed a soft note of agreement and pleasure.  

 

We got up to have a glass of wine with the boys, and Michael and Delphine got into an involved discussion about the latest research on integrated pest management for small gardens, I think, while Teo and I talked about Sevvy starting in a new school before long.  Somehow this devolved into some ridiculous stories about ourselves as children, and then we laughed so loud that we woke Sevvy, who came shuffling out of his room rubbing his eyes and insisted it was time to practice _ fútbol _ .

 

We went outside and kicked around the ball.  I wasn’t taking it very seriously, but it turned out a certain Frenchwoman had a few soccer moves from her youth.  Sevvy was so delighted when she’d dribble it to him or help him get it past Teo, and seeing her that way, physically playing, trading moments of concentration and laughter, charmed me, as well.  By the end of playtime he was calling “Delphine, Delphine!”  He knew her name now, for sure.

 

Later, after dinner and conversations and taking a look at some of Sevvy’s Lego constructions, he tugged on the hem of my sweater.

 

“Mommy, can I sleep with you tonight?”

 

“Severo, we already discussed this,” Teo told him, intercepting the question.  “Mama’s bed is going to be a little full for that because Delphine is sleeping there.”  My child looked down, obviously both disappointed and aware he’d been caught trying to do an end-around on his fathers.

 

“Can you read me my bedtime story, then,” he asked, and I couldn’t help but smile and rub his skinny shoulder.

 

“Of course, buddy,” I said.

 

In a little while he was tucked in, and I came in to read aloud from his current book — a good one, about space travel.  Delphine had been uncertain, but I told her she could join us, so she stood just barely in the room, leaning against the doorframe and lacing her fingers.  She was still unsure and it was adorable.

 

It all went smoothly down to his goodnight kiss  — and a little wave from my girlfriend — and it wasn’t long before we were sliding into bed ourselves, tired from the driving and the emotion of the day.

 

“He really likes you.  I can tell,” I told Delphine after we’d relaxed into the pillows.  

 

“Yes?” she asked, then paused a moment.  “We are talking about Severo, aren’t we?”

 

“ _ Yes, _ ” I chuckled, stroking the back of her hand and wrist with my palm. “Duh.”

 

“Do not  _ ‘duh’ _ me,” she scolded, and I could tell from her voice that her lips had curled into a smirk even though the room was dark.  “You know sometimes your sentence structure… runs amok.”

 

“‘Runs amok?’” I repeated, in a faux-offended tone.  “You know my genius can’t be contained in mere sentences.  And are you sure your English isn’t just slipping a little bit?”

 

“Brat,” she called me, and ran her hand down my face indelicately, pushing in my nose a bit as she went.

 

“So violent,” I observed, and rolled over to her.  We shared a few warm, slow kisses and I tucked my head onto her shoulder.

 

“Thank you again for bringing me,” she said softly, and I took and squeezed her hand.

 

“Thank you for coming,” I replied, seriously.  “I love you.”

 

“I love you,” she affirmed, and we settled down to sleep.

 

I don’t think I’d been out very long when a tiny knock on the door roused me.  

 

“Mommy?” came a small voice from behind it.  I rose my head and aimed it at the door.  Delphine’s eyes were bleary, but open.

 

“What’s up, pumpkin?” I asked loud enough for him to hear me.  I waited for a couple beats, but he didn’t say anything, so I called out again.  “You can come in, Cookie Head.”

 

The door slowly opened as if he was tentative.  He stood at the doorsill and kept his hand on the door knob.

 

“Can I sleep with you, Mommy?” He asked in a small voice. “I miss you.”  

 

I looked at Delphine and in the dim light from the hallway I saw her smile softly and nod.

 

“Okay, buddy, come on in,” I told him.

 

He did a quick little shuffle over to my side of the bed, leaving the door a bit open so some light came in.  He reached up and I grabbed him under the arms and pulled him in.  He stayed on his knees for a moment, leaning over and hugging me, and then he squirmed out of my grasp and began to climb over me toward the middle of the bed.

 

“Uh-uh, buddy, come stay on my side,” I said, “We’ve gotta leave some room for Delphine.”  He looked back at me with a pout.

 

Delphine was halfway sitting up, now.  She shrugged.

 

“I don’t mind if he sleeps in the middle,” she offered.  

 

“Are you sure?”  I asked her.  “This one gets really wiggly in the night.  Sometimes he ends up sprawled horizontally across the bed and I’m clinging to the edge.”  She let out a small laugh.

 

“Let’s give it a try,” she suggested, this time smiling at Severo.  He grinned and clambered over me and between us with great gusto, pulling up the covers and burrowing under, then peeking out and giggling.

 

“Okay, dude, settle down,” I told him through a grin.  “And try to stay still.  We don’t need Delphine waking up with your foot in her face.”  He cackled.

 

“Or my butt!”  Little devil.

 

“Or your butt,” I agreed, and Delphine was chuckling now, too.  Sevvy reared up and flipped so his head pointed toward the foot of the bed, then rolled around, playing.

 

“Or my penis,” He pushed out through a laugh, and I rolled my eyes.

 

“Or your penis, nutty,” I agreed.  “Please tell me I don’t have to have a discussion about consent right now.”  Delphine laughed harder.  “Alright, right way up and snuggle.  We all need some sleep.”

 

He rotated as asked and burrowed down between us, hugging my arm with one of his and smushing his face into it.

 

“Goodnight, I love you,” he said, albeit muffled, I glanced over at Delphine and she was smiling at both of us.

 

“Goodnight, I love you,” I responded, in a soothing voice, still looking at my girlfriend.

 

Her eyes crinkled as she met my gaze, then took in the kid and I snuggled together.  She blew me a little kiss and laid back down.

 

I was awake for a little while, listening to Sevvy’s breaths even out and feeling our combined body heat envelop us in coziness.  A short while later, Delphine’s hand slid over and held mine.

  
_ What did I do to get such a perfect moment? _ I thought, and drifted off.


	8. Chapter 8

But it was not just that feeling, that night.  Moment after moment, with small gestures and simple phrases, it felt like we were building a future.  Over the days and nights, my family of my child and his fathers and the family I hoped to make with Delphine grew closer.  We took hikes together, and when Sevvy scraped his knee, Delphine pulled out a mini first aid kit from her bag and fixed it for him right there, clean, painless and protected. He began to run to her at every bump and scratch, even some imaginary ones. Teo gave us a dramatic rendition of a classic Spanish monologue, followed by an improvised scene from one of Sevvy’s favourite cartoons that left us in stitches.  Michael instructed Delphine on the art of the American cookout and we all benefitted by filling our tummies with enough grilled and barbecued food to leave us half-comatose for a couple hours.  Members of the family started joining me in my daily yoga here and there until we were all together on the deck one morning, stretching on improvised yoga mats of towels and throws. The neighbour’s cat came by and perched on the railing to view us skeptically, and Severo couldn't stop grinning when it let him pet its back.  We went to the local fair, where Delphine enthusiastically agreed to ride the scrambler with Sevvy multiple times until they were both stumbling dizzily, red-faced and laughing.  Teo stopped eating his funnel cake because he said just watching them spin and scream made him nauseated.

 

And every night, in my bed, my love and I tucked into each other's arms, twice more with Severo nestled between us.

 

It was getting close to the end of Delphine’s visit with us when Michael and Teo took our kid out for the day so “Mommy and Delphine could do some grown-up stuff.”  Sevvy wouldn't rest with just that vague description until we told him we had work to do.  Five minutes after we closed the door behind them, I had Delphine pressed against the kitchen counter, undoing her with lingering kisses, my mouth on her neck.

 

“Are you sure they won't come back soon?” she murmured, her hands pressed to my chest in some weak resistance.

 

“Don't worry about it.  They'll text us in plenty of time if they have to turn around,” I said, pressing my teeth lightly to her collarbone.  After that it was all moans and kisses, stumbling to the bedroom yanking off our clothes.  We didn't make it to the bed, and soon she had me under her on the floor beneath the ironing board, driving me crazy with her thigh between my legs while I lost myself in the soft give and rigid peaks of her breasts.  I bit a little harder and she jerked, nearly knocking the iron on top of us, so we grudgingly paused for the five seconds it took us to shake off what clothing remained and take things to the bed.

 

She paused after kissing me deeply and examined my face for a moment.

 

“What?” I asked.

 

“I’m going to miss you until we can see each other again,” she answered.  I felt a pang at that, myself, but then reminded myself to live in the moment, and decided she looked way too serious.

 

“Me, too,” I nodded, then: “We’ll work it out soon.  But in the meantime, maybe you should fuck me hard enough to remember until then.”

 

She narrowed her eyes at my smirk and grabbed my ribs, making me laugh with the mild violence and tickle.  But then she yanked and flipped me over onto my front, wrapping her arm around my hips and pulling me up to my hands and knees.

 

“Ohhh, fuck, yessss,” I moaned, knowing what was coming, and knowing that it was one of our favourites.  I could feel her eyes roaming my curves down to my ass and I swear my skin got hotter.  

 

“Oh, you’ll remember,” she informed me in a low tone just on the verge of an order.  My toes curled and goosebumps broke out down my arms.  I let out a louder sound than I’d expected when her mouth attached to the nape of my neck, licking and sucking, giving little bites. 

 

This was where I lost myself and became all sensation, her mouth moving down between my shoulder blades, tracing down my spine with her tongue, one hand twisting my nipple and the other stroking through the wet hair at the junction of my thighs.  Time got wavy, bent by the flood of stimuli.  Now she sucked at my hip, now she gave me a semi-playful bite right on the cheek of my ass, fingers weaving in through the folds of my sex until I was aching for her to press inside.  She pulled my hips higher and I moaned, feeling like I was gaping for her, inviting her, would pull her strong fingers inside of me with suction, if I could. 

 

And then, the shuddering relief of being filled.

 

She fucked me hard, like I wanted, knuckles pounding against my entrance, arm pumping forcefully as I arched my back, rocking back against her, trying to feel her thrusts through my entire body.  When I got too close she would pull back, and I would bite the sheets in glorious frustration.  When our rhythm built back again, she started talking to me in French.  I could only pick out a few words, but they were the right ones, and I probably wouldn’t have been able to concentrate on them even if she was speaking in english. Her other hand stroked my mons and lower lips, providing only slow presses and releases against my pulsing hood, until I started crying out wordlessly for stronger stimulation, for release.  She picked up the pace of her thrusts and gave my ass a few nice, stinging slaps before moving her hand back to my front and beginning to rub my stiffened clit until all the sensations — the deep, bass judder of her slick fingers pounding into me, the low, alto command of her voice, the background pulse of my hips, her hips, our breasts swinging, and the building, jolting buzz as she vibrated my clit sent me out of my mind, my self-awareness, anything beyond the feeling of breaking in wave upon wave of pleasure, my consciousness frozen in time and my legs collapsing, causing me to buck her hands into the mattress below me, the final explosions of my orgasm nearly knocking me out.

 

Then, nothing. Quiet, save the sounds of our breath, the ambient resonance of the room bleeding in slowly, the soft sounds of the birds and breeze outside becoming once again audible as my neurons settled into normal patterns of firing, as my consciousness settled back into my body.  

 

She held me from behind, her head nestled between mine and my shoulder, pressing gentle kisses to the juncture of my neck and back, the side of my head, breath ghosting across my ear.  We rested like that for a while.

 

“Baby,” I finally said, and she gave me a squeeze, then automatically slid up and off of me at the first nudge of my shoulder, allowing me to turn over and face her.  My heavy eyelids lightened, and I looked at her.  We studied each other, finding new colours in each other’s eyes, limitless, tiny expressions of thought and feeling in shifting gazes, the dilation of pupils.

 

“Okay.  I’m definitely going to remember that,” I told her, and we both let out the breath of a laugh.  I moved the hanging curtain of her hair from one side of her face, smoothing curls behind her ear.  

 

“I’m going to remember all of it,” she said after a moment, in a near whisper.  “And I’m going to dream about what memories we’ll make next.”

 

I took her perfect, precious face between my hands as I thrummed with joy and anticipation.

 

“You are such a romantic,” I teased her, not for the first time, but it was meant as praise.  “Never change.”

 

She kissed my hands and we relaxed together, warm and wonderfully nestled.  After a while, small kisses deepened, bodies shifted on their own, desire built, and we made love again, gently, slowly this time.  I moved inside her with my fingers and we flowed with each other, against one another, paying attention to little details of expression, brushes of skin and muscular shifts.  I loved how her voice, so confident when she had pleasured me, rose higher and higher, growing louder and desperate, like a question without words.  I curled my fingers against her g spot and stroked it in a fluid motion until she crested and broke against me.  When she relaxed, we snuggled together, until I began to yawn.

 

“Mmm, how much time do we have before they come back?” she asked, touching her forehead to mine.

 

“A couple hours, probably.  Long enough to take a nap,” I told her, even my voice sounding lazy.

 

“We can do that,” she smiled, and cuddled against me.  “I can set my phone alarm, if you like.”

 

“Yeah, I’m thinking nap, shower, eat,” I mumbled, releasing a sigh.  “And maybe then socialize.”

 

“Okay,” she said, and gave me a little squeeze.

 

“Del?” I asked.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I love you.  So much.  I’ll find a place and some jobs close soon.”

 

“I love you, mon coeur,” she hummed, and kissed my head.  “I will love spending more time with you.”

  
We sighed together, relaxed, and within a few minutes I drifted into sleep.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, so many thanks to my patrons and the obfrankenfics peeps who beta-ed. NO PRESSURE WHATSOEVER, but if you ever feel like throwing a tip in my jar, you can find directions on my tumblr.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this. :)

I was shifting in my chair, uncomfortable from maintaining that position so long, when Teo came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders.

 

“I think it’s time you took a break,” he said, giving my aching traps a squeeze.  “You’re going to go cross-eyed if you stare at that screen much longer.”  I let out a little groan when he squeezed the muscles again, reminding me I was tensing my body more than usual.  I did a couple head rolls and felt my neck make some satisfying crackles.

 

“I know, I know.  It’s just I’m tired of taking up you guys’ space and I’m tired of only communicating with Delphine with electronic devices.  I thought I’d find some place that just…  _ clicked _ for me, you know?  And here I am, distracted by the idea of settling in a fixed place, of how close I should be to anyone for visiting, of how much money to beg from my friend so I have enough but won’t feel like a deadbeat.  I mean, I’ll be shifting my gigs around, too.  I don’t know how long it might take to pay back a loan.”  

 

I had started going great guns on finding good places to live and figuring out where I could get work as soon as Delphine had left (later than intended, since we both kept avoiding the reality of the separation for her return to campus.)  The problem was, I’d be all enthusiastic, and then the patterns and messages of my past would kick in, making me question every decision.  Would I be safe settling down?  Would it be good for my life, for my relationship with Delphine?  How would it affect my little family here?  How much could I let go of my secrets?  I  _ definitely  _ wanted to do this, to find a house or apartment where I could see her more often and be more involved with Sevvy’s life, but my mind would skip between all sorts of different ways to handle it.  I tried to analyze things as objectively and scientifically as possible, but then my emotions would chime in and I’d realize again that detachment wouldn’t work, here.  I’d try to stretch and meditate and let my mind be open to whatever could happen, and my brain fed me about 95% visions of domestic bliss with my lover and my kid, just, like, holding each other and working at the kitchen table together and going shopping or doing the dishes or all that shit.  But it was the 5% that got me, because that 5% was all fear that something bad would happen.  I had thought I was beyond my past with my sisters, DYAD, my illness, all that craziness, but it turned out I was beyond it as long as I kept moving.  I had seriously, completely changed my life to get away from all that.  It made sense that considering changing things again would bring thoughts about that back.  I just didn’t have to like it.

 

But I did have to stop chasing my own tail and getting frustrated with myself about it.  This kind of post-trauma stress happens.  And even if my trauma was years ago, it was a pretty big trauma.  Not to mention it changed my whole life.  In some ways, maybe for the better.  But I’d have to get to know myself as Not-Running Cosima, even if I continued to edit out things about my life from my family and friends.

 

I mean, a fucking  _ clone _ .  You know?  Probably you don’t.  But trust me on this, that’s a big, weird secret, and lying about it all this time, well… what to reveal?  How should I go about it?  How hurt would people be when they found out about the lies and omissions?  How freaked out?  Should I maybe still not tell anybody, or was it Teo and Michael’s right to know, if I was going to be with them and Sevvy so much more often?  I knew I had to take things slow, feel out my true intentions and path, but even all the lessons in yoga and meditation and energy work sometimes faltered in the face of the Leda business.  

 

“Well, you know you don’t have to figure out everything at once.  That’s what you would tell me, right?”  Teo pointed out, and he was right.  I let out another small moan of agitation and a sigh.   _ Be Here Now _ , I repeated in my mind, hoping it would develop from being a familiar chant to an actual practice, as I was stumbling a bit at doing it now.

 

“Right,” I admitted.  “I guess I’m getting pretty tense and crabby.  Ugh, and I probably have low blood sugar.  I should find a snack…”

 

I rose with the intention of plodding to the kitchen, but he kept his hands on my shoulders and started gently massaging them.  That stopped me in my tracks.  Who’s gonna say no to that?

 

“Why don’t you and I get out of this house and get something to eat?  I’ve got some shopping to do, and if I have to hear Michael explain ornamental hedges to our son any more, I’m going to lose it worse than Soraya Montenegro with a box of tarantulas.”

 

“Wait, was that before or after Maria got her memory back?”

 

“Cosima!”  He clutched his pearls, offended.  I had violated the sacred storytelling of the telenovela, all the worse because that particular character was a diva-legend.

 

“Well, I’ve only watched it once or twice, not twelve thousand like  _ some  _ people!”  We both cracked up.

 

“C’mon.  I’m in the mood for some seafood and I want to pick out new towels for the house,” he prompted, poking me lightly.

  
“You don’t have to tell me twice!”  I exclaimed with hyperbolic enthusiasm, slamming the laptop shut, and took off out the door.  He was still laughing when I came back in to get my shoes and purse.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ever write a story and it took so long and had so many interruptions that you wondered what the frick you were talking about in the first place?
> 
> Because, uh, that's never happened to me. Nope, uh-uh.

The local place that did fish well provided us with sustenance, and made me feel a lot less crabby, too (pun intentional, of course.)  We took a walk by some local shops, stopping in here and there if something caught our eyes.  (Teo refused to patronize the nearest big-box store, and was on a “support local small businesses” kick, although he’d most likely order some expensive towels you can only buy on the internet or in Tokyo.)  We took a look at some tribal rugs and I listened to his usual rant about how midcentury modern has been destroyed by overuse and knock-offs.  He refused to let me enter the spiritual/alternative bookstore, claiming he wouldn’t be able to get me out of there for hours if we went in (he was probably right,) but he did come with me to the crazy candle store, where he had to wake me from a pretty detailed interior fantasy about whether Delphine had ever tried wax play before or might be into it.  (I mean, I knew she liked candles for atmosphere, but it wasn’t like we had time for a lot of experimentation and play before.)  

 

“You've got that grin again,” he observed, looking askance at the ice-cream shaped candles I had been unconsciously fondling.

 

“What?” I started, pulled out of my, like, horny trance.  “These are cute.  Look, this one looks like a little Eskimo Pie. It even has a bite out of it so you can see the vanilla inside.”

 

“Right, that's what you're thinking about, not a certain tall, beautiful, European doctor who looks at you like you're a chocolate soufflė plated on solid gold.”

 

“Nice simile,” I observed, unable to hold my full grin back by then.

 

“Simile?  I thought it was metaphor.”

 

“Close, but a simile uses ‘like’ or ‘as' in it, but I'll forgive you because you're a Spaniard,” I teased.

 

“You use it like a dirty word,” he rejoined.  “Are you sure I didn’t say ‘like?’  I should’ve just said ‘comparison,’ knowing you have no mercy.  That's it, I'm never cooking for you again.”

 

“Uh, fine.  We both know Michael makes all your recipes better than you do, anyway, even the Spanish ones.”

 

“Hey!  Remember whose house you're staying in,” he warned me, entering full fake high dudgeon mode.  “Unless you want an Eskimo Pie candle up your ass,  _ and _ have to show up on Delphine’s doorstep with a U-haul much sooner than you expected.”

 

“Wow, that's funny,” I deadpanned.  “How long has that U-haul joke been around? Since the seventies?”

 

“I am only  _ one year older than you,” _ he said, for possibly the five hundredth time since we'd become friends.

 

“Hey, you guys, keep it down,” Lola the manager sighed at us, also probably for the five hundredth time.  “You're scaring away the  _ real _ customers.”

 

“‘ _ Real _ ’ customers?” I huffed in mock indignation, rounding on her.  “Just for that, I'm taking my business to an establishment that appreciates its clientele!”  I stormed out, leaving Teo at the counter.  Five seconds later I stomped back into the store.

 

“And I'd like to buy this ice cream candle!” I informed Lola, smacking it down on the table.  She barely blinked.

 

“$7.73,” she informed me, and I dug out the cash, trying really hard not to burst into giggles.

 

“Don't mind them,” Lola aimed at the confused tourist couple by the floating lotus candle display.  “He used to be an actor and she's just weird.  So glad to have you back in town, Cos,” she smirked.

 

“We're here every Tuesday,” Teo told them.  “The third Tuesday of the month is ladies’ night, no cover.”  He pulled a couple bills out of his wallet and held them out to the woman.  

“Seriously, I apologize for our behaviour.  Please take this and buy something nice for yourself,” he said solemnly.  By now the woman was laughing and the man flashed a wry grin. We headed to the exit.

 

“May I recommend the hand crafted stained glass votives in the back?” Teo turned to call over his shoulder at them.  “They're really lovely.”

 

We ended up getting some real ice cream, eating as we ambled down the street.

 

“What are you going to do with an ice cream candle, anyway?” He asked me, licking a drop from his cone before it hit his fingers.

 

“ _ Eskimo pie _ candle,” I corrected him.  “I dunno.  Maybe I'll use it for mood lighting.  Maybe I'll put it on an ice cream cake.”

 

“The last time we got an ice cream cake, Severo turned into the Tasmanian animal—”

 

“ _ Devil _ , Tasmanian devil,” I corrected.

 

“Whatever.”

 

“Well, maybe I'll get an ice cream cake for Delphine,” I said, licking my spoon.  “You know, the Eskimo Pie thing is kind of an old joke between us.” I wiped my chin.  “Come to think of it, so are candles, too…”

 

“Oh, no, no, no. I don't need to hear anything about your, your strange ice cream candle lesbian sex fetishes,” he joked.

 

“Hmm.  Not that you haven't told me every detail of every sexual encounter you had when you lived in the city,” I answered.  He caught me slowing down to look in the window of the tattoo parlour.

 

“Are you thinking of getting another tattoo?” He asked me, peering over my shoulder.

 

“Maybe.  I dunno,” I shrugged.

 

“Maybe a little French flag staked over your heart?  Wait… Oh. My. God,” he exclaimed, stopping in his tracks.  “You're not going to get her name, are you?”

 

“No.  Not that.”  I busied myself scraping the last chunks out of my cup. “But maybe… something,” I admitted, continuing to look and walk ahead.

 

“Cosima,” he said seriously, putting his hand on my arm so I turned to face him.  “You really love her, huh?   I mean, you can see just to look at you that you two love each other, like… it's very special.”

 

“Yeah,” I acknowledged, feeling strangely both excited and like I'd been caught out at something.

 

“You know, you're not going to have any trouble getting jobs around here,” he said, though I chose not to tell him it might require bullshitting on some tax forms.  “And you're welcome to stay with us as long as you need,” he continued, “and, of course we want you to spend more time with Severo, but— Well, it's obvious how very deep head over heels you are… and, you know that having a small child around a few feet down the hall wanting to climb in bed with you, it's not very private for two lovers who are… getting physically... reacquainted, so to speak…”

 

“What, Teo,  _ what? _ ” I urged him to spit out his point.

 

“Have you thought about moving in together?”

 

I stopped and blinked.  Oh, shit.

 

“Who's the U-haul lesbian now?” I teased him, but I couldn't say it hadn't crossed my mind.  Going to bed and waking up every day to her, sharing meals and small chores, that Sunday morning feeling when you're cozy and calm, maybe reading or going for a walk, having that person you want to take root with, to have a long-term  _ home _ .  I’d felt possibilities with other people over my life, but never ones that lasted, and after traveling so much the last ten years, thinking I had to, getting used to it and finding ways to touch, nurture and carry my sense of “home" with me, I’d stopped considering having both a person and a physical  _ place  _ in the world a possibility for me.  It wasn't that I didn't think my life was full and meaningful.  I didn't feel that at first and I certainly didn't feel it once Sevvy had been born.  He was my one root, my one growing tendril among the people I'd grown to love as friends and family.  And maybe every once in awhile I let myself acknowledge that there was part of me that yearned for that, but I figured being peripatetic was just where my path had led me.  Live in the now, right?  Don't pin too much on desires.  They were fleeting, in life.  But… over the last few weeks, it had hit me: that little ache inside, that... _ hope _ .

 

By now we’d both noticed that my thoughts had travelled elsewhere and an awkward pause had ensued.  I tried to cover it up by looking in the window of the local drug store at the display of seed packets.

 

“Cos,” he said, more gently, “I know I always stick my nose in the things, but you also know that I know love when I see it.  There’s a saying: _ ‘frente al amor y la muerte no sirve de nada ser fuerte.’   _ You know this, right?”

 

“Isn’t that basically like YOLO?” I answered, barely keeping a straight face.

 

“Ugh, Cosima, it means you’ve got to face love.  Love is so powerful… it’s the center of our existence, our reason to live.  If it’s truly love, don’t hesitate.  You’ll be sorry later if you do.”

 

“Yeah, well, also they say  _ ‘Amor de lejos, amor de pendejos.’  _  I get it. I even told Delphine long distance never works when I first met her, but am I supposed to live my life by every Spanish saying?  You know I don’t have that tolerance for drama as a  _ gringa _ .”

 

“Oh my God,” he groaned, getting worked up.  “That’s not a Spanish saying!  I mean, it is in Spanish, but we don’t use ‘pendejo’ in Spain.”

 

“I know, I know, and nobody under sixty-five says ‘gringo,’ either,” I chuckled.  “I just said it to get your goat.  You know the times I most often use Spanish are in Latin America.  Nice xenophobia, there, though.”

 

“I’m not—” he stopped himself and ran a hand over his face.  He was getting better at staying calm when I yanked his chain.  “You know, I’m not giving in to your, your mischief.  Let’s just imagine I talked about my relatives in Argentina and you talked about racism then I talked about language and we ended up singing songs from  _ Evita _ again, alright?  I’m trying to be actually serious.  This is actually serious!”

 

“Wow, okay,” I responded , but I knew what he meant. 

 

“This is not some crush,” he carried on, though tempering his tone a little.  “This is not even Shay, whom I know you loved and still love as a friend, but it wasn’t the same.  I’m telling you I see something special.  You fucking  _ glow _ together. You know I won’t tell you what to do, but as your  _ friend, _ as your  _ co-parent  _ of that, amazing… perfect little boy, I can’t let you be all… blasé about this.  Don’t deny it.  If you’re afraid, you’re afraid. If you’re uncertain, that’s fine, but I’m telling you: ten years apart should be a reason for  _ not  _ wasting your time now, not being cautious!” 

 

He had the gloss of tears in his eyes, and I knew he saw the part of me that would rather tiptoe around or make jokes than make myself vulnerable to being abandoned, again.   _ You abandoned her, too, _ I reminded myself.  But I also knew that didn’t matter.  What mattered was what Delphine and I shared since we met again, our courage to let go of the hurt of the past and truly forgive.  I mean, I didn’t want to be pushy, for sure, and there were a lot of things I had to figure out about this big life change of settling down, but if I was true to my inner spirit rather than trying to ward off possible pain with supposed logic, I knew what I wanted with Delphine, where I wanted our relationship to go.  

 

“You’re right, man,” I nodded, letting go of my tension.  “I need to be open with her.  I just… I have to figure out how to say it.  This isn’t exactly regular dating with someone you met recently… but I guess I’ve never really stuck to ‘regular’ or ‘normal’ dating, anyway.” I gave him a little smile.  “Why am I trying to start now?”

 

_“Exactly,”_ he said, and pulled me in for a hug, tucking my head under his chin. I sniffled a little, releasing emotion. “And you know what?”

 

“What?” I asked him.

 

“I am going to look  _ so good _ in a tuxedo at your wedding.”

  
_ “Pendejo,” _ I muttered into his chest, and we both laughed.


	11. Chapter 11

“You sound a little funny, are you alright?”  Delphine asked me during our nightly phone call.  It wasn’t that I hadn’t been listening.  I wanted to hear whatever she wanted to tell me about her day, even if it meant hearing a little about bureaucracy or how some co-workers I knew almost nothing about were being assholes. I was glad that she felt free to share the details of her everyday life, comfortable enough in our bond now to begin laying on the ephemera when she talked to me.  It meant we were becoming familiar with each other, with the idea that we could have conversations that didn’t have to be deep, to be heavy. It indicated we had established that depth of our relationship; we didn’t need to go diving down into it every second to make sure it was still there.  

 

Some people think that means taking each other for granted, but you live your life every day in the minutiae of the familiar, the routine, much more than the heart-rending, the transcendental.  Why should it mean any less?  I knew about the transcendental; I had been meditating and communing with nature and feeling the connectivity of the universe for years.  Hey, sometimes I  _ taught _ it.  But to know that someone is talking to you almost as a part of them, as they would talk to  _ themselves _ when they remembered meals or meetings or traffic or bills, that means something, too.  That means you’re becoming a steady part of their  _ life.   _ That even when you’re apart, you can envision that person: the way she paces the living room in her stockinged feet, gesturing with the drink in her hand, as she talks on the phone.  The way she gives the Mr. Coffee and the microwave a dirty look every time she passes the department staff room, and boils water in a small electric kettle for her french press in her office, instead. The way she smiles whenever she meets with her new TA, because this one shows such promise. The way she can hear that you’re thinking about something, even when you’re responding to her stories, in the small pauses and the timbre of your unremarkable answers.  I loved that she knew I was working something out in my head, something that we should talk about.  But I wasn’t quite ready yet to bring it up with her.  I was still working out my feelings and how to express them… and I also had just a few more things to take care of.

 

“I’m fine,” I said to her, a genuine smile in my voice, and I meant it.  Sure, I was nervous and emotional and set a little off-balance from my realization that I wanted more with her, to be closer to her, sooner,  _ now. _   But I believed I would figure it out, and we would talk about it, soon, and in talking about it, we  _ would _ grow closer, both to each other and to the best possibilities of our relationship.  I didn’t know how many steps it would take, or how long, but I had a feeling we wouldn’t stop moving toward each other.  Our inertia of motion was set to bring us together and it would take an unimaginable force to stop it.  Hadn’t it been happening, been acting on us, even all those years we tried to resist it?

 

“I’ve got a few things I’m working out in my mind, and I’m a little tired from Adventure Time with Señor Teo, but I’m good,” I told her.  “Sorry if I sounded distant.  I’m totally listening to you.  When do you find out about the grant for the second study?”

 

“Ah, mon amour,” she sighed, and I could tell she was sitting down, putting her feet up, that look of glad release on her face she got when she knew she had my understanding, my support.  “Probably not until January, considering how things usually go around the holidays.  But I’m sure it will be fine.  I’m just looking forward to getting through the conference and getting time to be with you.”

 

“That’s right, the conference,” I remembered.  “Well, it’ll be over soon enough.  I’m looking forward to seeing you in person, again, too.  Like, a lot.”  I couldn’t help the grin that curled my lips, and I could hear hers in her tone when she responded.

 

“I can’t wait to hold you… and take the curve of your ear in my teeth…”  I got instant goosebumps.  She knew how I liked that, her hot breath in my ear and the tiny hairs on the back of my neck raising as she played with the tender skin behind it, the path that led down the side of my neck.

 

“Doctor Cormier, is this going to turn into one of  _ those _ conversations?”  I asked her, with a grin and a flush to my skin.

 

“It could, if you’re very good,” she purred, and I got a small, excited shiver.

 

“Hold on,” I said softly, and rose to the door of my room, checking outside it and then closing and locking it.  I wiggled back into the bed, feeling a little like a teenager in my parents’ house, one hand lightly stroking the pillow I knew I would use to muffle my sounds from any tiny ears that might not be fully asleep.  “Tell me,” I prompted, my voice dipping lower in my throat, “what are you doing right now?”

 

“I’m thinking about you, and how I can slow you down when your hands move too quickly on my blouse buttons… how I will hold your wrists and draw my tongue across your collarbone, instead… the way you shift your hips and tremble when I run my hands up your ribs under your shirt, when I trace my fingers just inside the bottom of your brassiere, and your thighs squeeze my hips in anticipation as you straddle me...”

 

“Mmm, yes,” I exhaled, tracing the undersides of my breasts with my own fingers.  I could imagine it very well.  “I hope you already set your alarm for the morning, because I intend to talk with you through phone sex until you’ve come so much you won’t even have the energy to get up and do that.”  I told her, and she responded with a groan into a low chuckle.

 

“I’m getting into bed, now, then,” she teased, “because just talking to you and imagining you gives me a particular sort of energy that I think could lead to a very long, graphic, conversation.”  Her voice slipped a little into a more pronounced accent, as it did when she was concentrating on more important things.

  
“You better believe it will,” I told her, running my hand down my abdomen and closing my eyes to listen closely to her breath.  “Now, I think I’ll move my hands back to those buttons…”


	12. Chapter 12

I took extra care in centering myself in the morning, adding some grounding meditations after my asanas.  I ate slowly, chewing each bite thoroughly and hydrating myself with a strengthening tea.  I took several deep breaths.

 

Then I called Alison.

 

“Hello?” came a youthful voice from the phone.

 

“Lizzie?  Hey, it’s Cosima.  How are you?”

 

“Hi, Auntie Cos. I’m about to leave for practice.  I’ll get Mom on the phone.”  There was some fumbling noise and the shout of “your phoooone,” and a slightly breathless and, as usual, clipped tone from Alison took over.

 

“Alison Hendrix,” she announced by way of greeting, and I almost chuckled, imagining her straightening her posture to answer the phone, even if the caller couldn’t see her.  Since the settlement and her move to the McMansion life, she'd relaxed in some ways, but was even more self-righteous about being proper than before.

 

“Allison, hey.  It’s Cosima.”

 

“Cosima?  Cheese and biscuits, I can’t believe it’s you!  Hold on, let me get them out the door.”  There was a mumble of voices, and then she came back on the line with a settling sigh.  “So, to what do I owe this honour?  You know I haven’t heard from you in…” (I could imagine her checking her calendar) “almost nine weeks.  Don’t forget you promised to come for Gemma’s graduation party.”

 

“Yeah, yeah, I wouldn’t miss it.  How’s it going?”

 

“Oh, the usual.  Elizabeth has decided she wants to move her riding practice to three times a week and, also as usual, Donnie can never say no to her.  I’m proud of how well she’s doing, but she seems to  be developing a resistant attitude way before Gemma or Oscar did.  I mean, we're not even at puberty, yet!  Well, way before Gemma did, but Oscar did have Uncle Felix as a role model…”

 

I stifled a chuckle.  Same old Alison.  I mean, to be fair to Lizzie, she was a good kid, and she hadn’t spoiled  _ herself _ like crazy.  But I guess that can happen when people finally get the birth baby they’ve been waiting for, like they did when the cure I gave Ali made her fertile so quickly.  It was a surprise, but then she'd never gotten as advanced in the disease as I did — never even coughed.  Who knew that a while later I’d also find myself having my period regularly, again? Come to think of it, I’d probably have spoiled Sevvy if I’d been around more, too.

 

“Yeah, he did.  Anyway, I was away for awhile.  I’m visiting Sevvy and the guys now,” I told her.

 

“Oh, good.  I really don’t see how you can stand to spend that much time away from him.  I mean, we could always get the lawyers—”

 

“Yeah, about that,” I interrupted before she got into high gear, “I’m, uh, I’m thinking of being around more.  Kinda setting up a home base, or something.  So I can spend more time with them and sort of center myself, you know?”

 

“Oh, Cosima, that’s wonderful.  So what do you need?  Do you need money again?  More fake ID? I haven’t talked to the law firm in a while, but hopefully, we could—”

 

“Um, yeah, great” I interrupted again, risking getting her annoyed, “but there’s something else.  Something more to it.”

 

“Cosima, you know I never mind giving you money, but I really wish you would be more responsible with it—”

 

“It’s Delphine,” I blurted.  The other end of the line went silent.  “I’m seeing Delphine.”  There was a pause.

 

“What? Holy shiitake mushrooms, Cosima, what are you talking about?  Are you all hopped up on psychedelics, or something?”  I definitely chuckled at this one. Such huffiness from a former prescription drug dealer.

 

“No, no, no, see… okay, get this: I went to do the retreat, and, I couldn’t believe it, but she was there!  Delphine Cormier was at the resort. Her boss had sent her as a present—”

 

“ _ What?! _ ”  This time I was sure she’d heard me.  “Del… Delphine was there?  Oh my— what did you do?  She just  _ showed up  _ out of _ nowhere? _ ”

 

“Listen, I’ll tell you it all, just take a breath,” I soothed her.  There was a pause and I could tell she was holding her tongue for the moment.

 

“Okay, so she got sent on this trip by her boss, who’s a dean of some kind, because Delphine is a professor.  She’s teaching and researching at Yale, now.”

 

“Yale,” Alison made it sound like a hmm, “well, that seems… respectable.  But, wasn’t she working for the government or some… military cabal, or something?”

 

“Look, I was worried about that, too, but here’s what happened…”

 

I gave her the rundown.  She was surprisingly quiet during the story.  I even heard her gasp a few times when I talked about my emotions, about the romantic parts.  I mean, I couldn’t go into some of the details, obvs, but I tried to convey to her how we’d really talked and shared our feelings, how I understood now why Delphine had done what she did, and how she had suffered for working to help me and my sisters, even when we didn’t trust her, worked against her. When I had reached the present, she let out a long breath.

 

“Cosima,” she said, clearly trying to remain calm, “are you sure?  I mean, you know I want to be happy for you, and that you’re finally considering settling down, like the rest of us.  Well, as much as, say, Sarah or Helena can settle down.  But you were certain for a long time that you couldn’t trust her, that it wasn’t safe for you.  Are you really sure you can just… patch things up?”

 

“Uh, it’s more than patching, Alison.  It’s like… you know when they say that if something breaks you can fix it and make it even stronger?  I mean, not bones, ‘cause that's a myth, but… That’s what I feel is going on here.  We were younger and we had so much going on then… and I didn’t even know how to handle my feelings, really, to understand my own emotions.  She really suffered, you know?  Just getting free of DYAD and Topside only to be trapped into working for the government, barely even having a life of her own at all.  And the whole time, she stayed true to us.  She never gave them any information that might have been bad for us, she never tried to hunt me down with them.  She just did the science until they didn’t need her anymore, and then they let her go.  And now, just… we can both be freer, now.  I…” I found myself swallowing back tears, here, talking about her, about us.  “I always knew, somehow, that she was the one, my soulmate, you know?  But I tried to deny it or imagine that it didn’t matter, I could get along in life fine without her.  And I did, mostly, but… goddamn if it isn’t like when I wake up and put my glasses on again.  I was seeing things before, making my way through, seeing lights and colours, even… but when we worked it out, I just… everything became clear, and sharp, and real.” 

 

I had to stop for a moment, sniffling, and I could hear her making little sounds that made me realize she was affected by my story, too. I felt a warmth and a squeeze around my heart saying all this again, repeating it and affirming it was real.

 

“And you should see her with Sevvy, Ali,” I let out, feeling the tears start tracing my face.  On the other end of the line I could hear Alison choke out a tender sob, too.  She knew what it was like to be a mother in a way you never expected, to love someone so dearly, and to grow in your relationship with your partner as you saw the way these two precious people treated each other with kindness, care and love.  The way my son smiled at Delphine when she played with him, his eyes dancing when he looked up at her, as charmed and delighted by her as I was, and the way she treated him with such tenderness and respect, smiling as she watched him doing his normal stuff, Sevvy being Sevvy, when she thought no-one was looking, made me see how we could all grow together, become solid in our relationships, be a family like I had never had before.  I saw all the good in each of them, and all the good they saw in each other, and it filled me with a hope and satisfaction I never even knew was missing.  I felt a certain gravity that all those years of centering meditations could never quite reach, while I had believed I had to limit my relationships, to keep moving and remembering in the back of my mind that I was a fugitive, of sorts.  Somehow I felt, that even with all her stiff, sharp and stressful quirks and her ways so different from mine, that Ali really understood it, just from my voice, just from being my sister, no matter how strangely we had become siblings.

 

“Oh, Cosima,” she said quietly, with emotion, and slightly muffled in a way I could tell she had put her hand over her mouth.

 

We were both quiet for a few moments, gathering ourselves.  She cleared her throat.

 

“Well, if that is how you feel, I support you, and you let me know anything I can do to help.  You haven’t told Sarah, yet, have you?”  I let myself chuckle.

 

“Nope, but I’m planning on calling her after this.  Wish me luck.”

 

“Mmhm, well, we both know she’s… mellowed a lot, over the years.  Hopefully she’ll take it with no more than an ‘oi, wot?’ or something.”  We both had a rueful giggle over this, me mostly because Alison imitating Sarah was never  _ not _ funny.  “Can I tell Donnie?  Have you told anyone else?”

  
“Mm, no, not yet, but I’m making some calls today,” I answered.  There were a few people I’d start with, then I’d let that mellow and move on to other folks.  I could take my time, because this time I planned on staying around.  This time, I felt a future stretching out before me, and, although I couldn’t know how things might evolve or what shit we might go through, I could see the woman I loved in it.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Little by little I'm getting this story back up here on AO3. SO many thank yous to everyone who reads, comments, kudos, sponsors me and sends good vibes. I'm very busy job hunting and writing freelance articles right now, which hasn't left much time for my personal creative work, but I'm poking away at this story, still. Feel free to check out my tumblr page if you want to say howdy, learn how you can support my work or just watch me see-saw between political rage and depression to fangirling and general ridiculousness. ;)

“Fuckin’ hell, Cosima!” yelled my British sister, with her usual tone that could indicate anything from anger to joy to boredom.  “How have you been?  It's been long enough, yeah?”  Okay, it wasn't anger, then.

 

“Hey, Sarah.”  Despite being nervous, I couldn't help but smile saying her name.  We had started out as improbable, wildly different doppelgangers, gone through the shit and come out true sisters. It didn't hurt that Kira was doing fantastic at college, and my chronically touchy clone actually had had a steady boyfriend for a little while.  That, and the last few times we'd seen each other in person I'd gotten us fantastically baked.  The bottom line was, however much time went by and cranky Sarah was feeling, we supported each other at the base of it all.

 

“Yeah, I've been traveling around doing my gigs, y’know?” I continued.

 

“Spreadin’ that yogi-bear energy, n’ shite, yeah?” She always amused herself with this nickname for me.  Every once in awhile I was still “the geek monkey,” but once she had arrived on a more up-to-date annoying moniker, she teased me with it any chance she got.

 

“Yeah, you know.  How's life out there?”

 

“Good, can’t really complain.  I mean, Nate fuckin’ broke the motorcycle again, but what’s new with that?  Fee called me a couple days ago.  Turns out that group show went really well.  He thinks he might have a shot on getting a solo in that gallery.  Probably after shagging the owner, but don't let him hear I told you that.”

 

I couldn't help but chuckle.  Alison may have been right that Sarah had mellowed somewhat, but she still had that gruff, teasing delivery on lock.

 

“Well, either way I hope it works out for him,” I said.  “The life of the struggling artist has always been his point of pride, right?  I totally get it.  But I think maybe he feels it’s getting old at this point.  Believe me, I know what it's like to have outstanding loans with your sisters.”

 

“I told you you should've hit me up for more,” she answered, and I could hear her smirk.  “You'll never hear the end of it with Alison.”

 

“Ha, she's alright,” I told her.  “She's a mama bear like you; she's just more vocal about it.”

 

“Take that back,” Sarah mock-shouted, and we both had a laugh.

 

“So, what about you, Sar?” I asked her more seriously.  “Had to bail anyone out lately?”  She snorted.

 

“Yeah. Two of the kids in The CockBlockers got picked up last week for assault and possession, but it was no big deal.”  Sarah had become a promoter, manager and mother hen in the local music community.  In a way, it was like she was following Mrs. S’s footsteps.  She knew what kind of trouble street kids with a chip on their shoulder could get into, and curse-ridden tough love had become her speciality.  It also gave her a way to blow off her steam sometimes.  She may have loved being able to finally provide Kira with a relatively stable life, but just being a stay-at-home mom or having a more normal job might drive her crazy.

 

“Have you been hearing from Helena?” I asked.  ‘Any new stuff from Kira?”

 

“Helena and the kids are fine.  She still brags every time she doesn't cripple some guy with an attitude in that self-defense class.  The kids are into NASCAR, now.  Whatever.  And  Kira, well, you know, she's bloody great, right? Top of her class. She’s got these friends there now and they do tutoring and volunteer work.  Not even past her teens yet and she’s already takin’ other kids under her wing.  She is… amazing, you know?  And it's all down to her, because she had a pretty shite childhood there, for a while.”

 

“Hey, she got lots of love from you, her dad, Siobhan, Fee… and then she got several aunties who love her.  Sure, it was weird, and you went through some difficulties for a while, but you came back and kicked ass, like a real hero, and then you made a real life for her.  Don't be so hard on yourself.”  This was one thing that still lingered for Sarah: her wish she had done things “better,” somehow, that she had been there for Kira the whole time. She sighed on the other end of the line and my heart went out to her.   “You miss her, huh?” I prompted gently.  She was quiet for a moment, probably trying to pull herself together.

 

“Yeah, yeah I do,” she finally answered.  “So much.  It's like, she was my world, yeah?  And now the house just seems so empty.”

 

“Shit,” I said.

 

“Yeah.  Nate was afraid I was gonna go on a bender for a couple weeks after she left, but I talk with her on the computer and I'm staying busy with the band kids.  She's doing so well there… and that makes me happy and excited for her.  My daughter in college, yeah?  That's what keeps me from gettin’ too down.  She's happy, so missing her is, like, worth it this time.”

 

“Yeah. I know what you mean,” I acknowledged.  “Knowing that Sevvy has had great parents and a good life has made it easier to be away from him, when I have to be.  But… speaking of that, I, uh, I’m thinking of getting a place here and not travelling so much so I can spend more time with him.”  I nibbled my lip, waiting for her reaction, wondering what she'd say to my other news.

 

“Really, Cos?  The prodigal clone daughter finally thinks she's safe settlin’ down?  That's somethin’ else.” I chuckled at her teasing, not bothering to correct her on the definition of “prodigal."  I got what she meant.

 

“Yeah, well, I've been on the move a long time, and you guys seem to be doing okay,” I acknowledged.

 

“We have, but…” She paused, and I could tell what she'd say next would be serious.  “I've felt kind of crappy for how it turned out for you, Cos.  We were all so terrified, and you were in the worst position, being sick n’ all.  What you did for yourself, what you did for all our sisters, finding a cure and bringing it to as many of them as you could… There was a time I felt I was doin’ almost everything, and the weight was on my shoulders, especially with Kira and not wanting to lose you.”  She sighed again.  Every once in awhile Sarah would get serious like this and thank me, telling me how much she cared about me and what I'd done.  It was always sweet, but sometimes it got a little awkward.  She didn't express these kind of feelings often except with Kira, and it felt almost like she was trembling at the edge of something every time.

 

“You  _ were _ doing a lot, Sarah.  You know no one else had the strength back then to do the things you did… or, you know, the reckless pig-headedness,” I teased her.

 

“Or the the lack of smarts to keep doing ‘em,” she chuckled back.  “And I suppose I should be jealous of you.  Been around the bloody world, you have, taking drugs and sleeping with extra limber women.”

 

I couldn't help but let out a full belly laugh at that, but as we quieted, I decided to take the plunge.

 

“Some of it has been fun.  Um, something happened on the latest retreat I went to in Costa Rica,” I bumbled a bit.  “I, uh, I found someone I hadn’t seen in a long time.”  I took a breath.

 

“Well it can't be that redhead, then, ‘cause she was at the last job, right?  Shame,” she deadpanned.

 

“No, why does everyone always think— nevermind,” I recovered.  “No, uh, it was Delphine, Sarah.” She didn't make a sound on the other end.  “Delphine Cormier.”

 

“I know who bloody Delphine is,” she countered, then lowered her voice, almost as if having to hide and run all the time had come back to her.  “So… how’d that go, then?”

 

“It went… it was amazing, Sar.  We got time to really talk about what went on back then, what happened with our relationship—”

 

“Did you tell her everything?  Did you tell her about Mika?” Sarah’s voice was sharp, tense.  She still had suspicions, it was clear.  

 

“No.  No, of course not.  I'd never do that without consulting with you and her.  Although it's possible she got that information from the government… but from what she said of her time there, I seriously doubt it.”

 

“Hm,” she grunted.  She didn't add more, so I counted to ten and then forged onward.

 

“We worked things out,” I told her.  “We're together again.  It's… it's been a few weeks, now, and um… I really love her, Sar.  All this time I tried to tell myself it wasn't meant to be, while in the back of my mind I felt nobody else I saw could compare.  And she loves me, too.  It's like… it's like how it could have been if things hadn't gone so batshit, y’know?  It's like a second chance.”

 

Her next words came out a little stilted, and I wasn't sure exactly what she was feeling, beyond shock.

 

“Always so bloody romantic.  So, what are you gonna do?” she asked.

 

“Well, I want to be close to Sevvy, and I want to be close to her, so I'm trying to find someplace around here or there or in between that I could, well set up house I guess.  Live in regularly.”

 

“With her?” Sarah’s voice came out even more low this time, seeming unsure, a little twisted, like she was trying to swallow her own words.

 

“I don't know.  I was thinking on my own, at first, but now I'm thinking… maybe.”  She was still quiet, but unlike with Alison it seemed  _ edgier _ , somehow.  When Sarah got hurt or angry it took time and more than a polite apology to get her to talk to you again.  There was always the threat of her temper getting away from her, of her doing something hurtful, poorly thought out, or self destructive.  She dealt with things better than she once did, but for some reason, in this situation I felt much more worried than I'd been with her in a long time.   _ It's okay, you both have an unusual and difficult past _ , I told myself.  _  It's okay to love her and want her blessing, but she's on her own path and if she isn't accepting, that doesn't mean you have to change things.  It would have to blow over after some time, anyway, right?   _ Still, I felt compelled to state my case.

 

“The guys love her,” I told Sarah softly, “and she's so good with Severo—”

 

_ “You took her to meet Sevvy?”   _ Sarah interrupted me sharply, then I heard her take another deep breath.  “Jesus Christ, Cos…”  she added, her voice less harsh this time.

 

“Yes,” I told her, “and it went really well. They really clicked, and I've made the decision that I want us to be able to spend much more time together.”  I didn't say  _ as a family, _ and I knew it was because I didn't want to push my volatile sister further, but also maybe because I was still working things out inside myself, too.  There was a long enough pause that I worried.

 

“Well, uh, Cos,” she finally responded, “I guess it’s your decision… if you think it's safe.”  She cleared her throat.  “I mean, it was always obvious how you felt about her.”

 

This is okay, I thought, this sounds fairly positive, if not totally forthcoming or unconditional.

 

“Cos,” she said finally, “is this really what you want?  Do you trust her?”

 

I didn’t hesitate.

 

“Yeah, sis.  Yeah, I do.”

 

There was a bit of noise on her end of the line that I figured was probably her pacing, pushing her hand through her hair, having to use up some of the energy that was so connected to her emotions.  After all, in different ways, we both had that trait.

 

“Well, then,” she let out a held breath, “If that’s how you feel.  I mean, she was your monitor and worked for Leekie… she even got Kira taken by Rachel, even if it was an accident.  But, I guess she did some good things for us, too.  Even after you were gone.  I don’t know what to think, and I know sometimes you’ve been boneheaded in the past.  So have I.  But I’m not gonna second guess your heart.”  I smiled at this, warmed by our love and respect for each other.

 

“Just… be careful, yeah?  I really want you to be happy,  _ sestra _ .”  We both let out tiny chuckles at that term.  “And keep me in the loop, okay?  You know I’ve always got your back.”  I could tell she was still unsettled, unsure, but she was doing her best to support me, despite her doubts.  “And listen, no going to visit Kira with her or anything unless you get my say-so, alright?”  This slightly irritated me, but it was fair.

 

“Alright, alright,” I promised.  “You’ve got it, mama bear.”  She let out a little snort at that one.  “We can talk more in the future.  Maybe you can personally vet her yourself, sometime.”

 

“Yeah, maybe.  It would be good to see you sometime, yogi bear.”

  
Maybe she hadn’t given us her blessing, but she gave me her sisterhood, and that was more than enough.


	14. Chapter 14

I couldn’t reach Scott that morning, so I left a voicemail.  I decided to leave it at that for a bit.  I knew I wanted to talk with Margot more about things, but I was still working out in my head how much to reveal to her about the whole clone situation.  She knew a fair deal without it, but I was feeling like it was time to get this all off my chest with the people who were like family to me.  Being with Delphine again was bringing so much to the surface, and while I was feeling good about it emotionally, I knew I had some clearing to do.  Still, I had to do it in a way that was respectful of and safe for my sisters.  

 

Helena had needed some help to explain it to Jesse.  She had worries that he wouldn’t like her if he knew of her past, and that her ability to explain things in English was not up to the task, both completely valid concerns.  All of our little group of  _ sestras,  _ plus brother- _ sestra,  _ Siobahn and Kira had talks with her about it now and then.  She'd be all quiet then suddenly say something like “How do you love someone if you know all their sins?  Must you be like angel to forgive?” But Helena, understandably, processes things differently than most of us.  She came to a point where she decided Jesse loved her and was meant to be her family, and she immediately pushed ahead to let him know what had gone on, in her own, simplified way.  There were things she didn’t like to talk about, of course.  She had killed, been abused, been given twisted and false information.  If anyone had been the victim of a cult, it was Helena.  But eventually she felt she had to tell him all the important parts, because that’s what loving each other meant.  He had to know who she was to really love her.  And, while a lot of people say that’s how they feel, they still tend to hide things from their loved ones.  Most people dwell more in the grey areas, withholding what they feel makes them unloveable, or what they think it would hurt the other to know.  Once Helena came out of her shell and felt she could talk to people, she would be very direct in her honesty.  She told Jesse about the horrible things she’d gone through, and even if the story was a bit disjointed sometimes, it was because that’s how she communicates, not a matter of hiding things.  She told him about the horrible things she’d done.  And Jesse, to his credit, had seen the real her that had been wounded and manipulated under the killer that had been constructed.  Maybe it was because he was a little simple in his judgements, too, but he decided those things weren’t her fault and he wouldn’t judge her by them.  He listened to the core of what she said and believed in her, and that made her feel she could be a mother and raise her children with him.

 

Sarah, by contrast, took a couple years to tell Nate.  She wanted to believe it wasn’t necessary, first because she swore he wasn’t going to be a big deal in her life, and then because she realized he  _ was _ a big deal in her life.  It had freaked him out a bit, when he found out, and by then she had worked up herself through all the Stages of Sarah: confusion, anger, denial, anger, depression, anger… but I jest (mostly.)  I think, as clones, we sometimes feel we’re never gonna entirely fit with other people, like we're oddities and outsiders.  Hell, most of us are  _ definitely  _ outsiders, compared to what the depiction of “normal" is.  But Helena and Sarah, they felt that way more than some others of us did, due to their rough childhoods.  I could find geeks and folks in the yoga community to jibe with, Alison could find local theatre groups or school boards, hell, a lot of the clones had grown up feeling supported, like they belonged somewhere.  This was not the case with the former brainwashed Prolethean assassin and the rough-and-tumble foster child who ended up living with an underground rebel for a parent. But they both finally found love, and found non-clone-related scenes that fit them: survivalists and martial artists for Helena, and the indie/punk music scene for Sar.  

 

Anyway, meditation worked for me in feeling like I belonged in the world.  Well, that and pot, of course.  So, by this point I didn't really have any strong fears that someone like Margot would reject me.  Plus, that's not who she is.  Not to mention she'd gotten around over her years on this Earth.  That woman had seen some freaky shit.

 

Anyway, I finally got going and decided to borrow one of the guys’ bikes and go for a little ride, to exercise and have some time to let my brain do its figuring out process.  The boys had all gone to shop for new clothes for the school year.  Sevvy was outgrowing his, and it wouldn't do to have him start out in highwaters.  There was still some suspicion around me from that time I basically let Sevvy pick out everything he wanted himself, and he had ended up with a wardrobe almost entirely consisting of t shirts with robot themes and metallic clothing he thought would make him look like a robot.  Apparently, although it was alright for him to play dress-up now and then, a young child needed to be given a certain “guidance" in order to fit in with the locals.  Whatever.  He looked great in those shiny silver pants and it's not like most of the parents around here aren’t liberal hippie-types, anyway.

 

I took my ride. It started out easy, so I just enjoyed the sun and breeze on my face, the birds chirping, my knees and thighs warming up.  My brain wanted me to imagine Delphine riding beside me, the two of us just having a lovely free day together.  I already was getting pangs from missing her.  I took a detour over some rougher terrain and a rolling incline.  I concentrated on my breathing, my heartbeat.   _ Feel your body.  Be here now.  Be here now. _

 

I'm not the greatest cyclist, so that helped me focus on what I was doing, keeping my balance.  I had to stand on the pedals and really pump to get up to the top of that hill.  It was a good thing, though, because it made me feel my lungs also pumping full and true.  I'd never stop being grateful for being able to perform the simple function of breathing.

 

The top of the hill offered a great view of the rounded, old mountains of the east coast.  Okay, so the Catskills are really a dessicated plateau, but that phrase kind of takes the romance out of the picture, right?  Anyway, I stopped there, drank some water, and laid down my yoga mat.  I assumed the lotus position, and headed within.

 

At first I just spent some time breathing and clearing, letting gravity stretch the muscles and connective tissues that had gotten a little tense during my phone calls and had laboured on my climb.  I went through each of my chakras, and I filled myself with peace and good intent.

 

This path I was on could go so many ways, but if I let myself, I could imagine a life of peace and happiness with Delphine.  Not without some struggle, of course, every life has suffering.  But if I just let myself love I could envision the possibilities.  Being awakened against my will by her alarm in the morning, making homemade ice cream to go with her ridiculously delicious crepes.  I would have to buy some smart outfits to wear to her department functions, and remember what it was like to be in academia.  Maybe I could even take a seminar or course or two…  _ no pressure, don't rush things.   _

 

I imagined us taking Sevvy on a getaway.  Not an amusement park, Teo would never let us do that without him (he liked the excuse to go on rides himself,) but up to the beach at the cape, or maybe to central America.  He might be able to meet some of my friends down there.  I wondered if Delphine would learn any Spanish.

 

She would take me to meet her sister, and she could show me the places she grew up in France.  Maybe they'd have pictures of my love as a gangly schoolgirl, a devoted big sister, a proud university graduate.  She might try to enlist her sister to take her side on some home decorating argument we were having.  Maybe Sevvy could come, too, experience the culture.  I still had never been to that country, despite my travels.  I was becoming excited about the idea of traveling for leisure, instead of work, keeping under the radar, or helping one of my clone sisters.  After all, I'd have a home to come back to, afterwards, a fixed place of love and familiarity, just as that ravishing doctor had taken a fixed place in my heart.

 

I found myself smiling, eyes closed, drawing my hands in from the Gyan mudra on my knees to lay them gently, lightly clasped together yet open on my lap, in a receptive Venus position.  I took a breath and let myself enjoy these visions once more before I let them go.  I let my mind grow quiet for a little while, and then I slowly tuned myself back into the present world I was in, from the breeze to the birdsong.

 

I felt ready to make another phone call.

 

I checked my phone and it was vacillating between two and three bars.  Not great, but I figured it would do.  In all these years the reception in this area hadn't improved much, but that was probably because people kept voting down cell towers on the land.  The new technologies at least made them a little more consistent, stronger.

 

I was hoping to reach her, but instead I got her voicemail.  Even just hearing her voice go through the regular recorded greeting gave me a stupid grin.

 

“Dr. Cormier, it's a beautiful day here from my view on the hill, and I'm thinking about you.  I want to see you, to talk to you soon,” I said.  “I've been thinking about things and missing you, and… I love you.  I don't want to wait much longer to be together.”

 

Of course, I wouldn't tell her about my thoughts on cohabitation, on stepping things up another level, until I could talk directly to her.  I'd be taking a risk, not knowing what her reaction would be, but I felt good about it.  It felt right, and it felt like it could happen, and work out.  Every moment in life is another decision, another risk.  Sometimes you have to let go and take a leap of faith.

 

“Call me when you can, baby,” I finished, feeling especially tender toward her even as my words went outward into nowhere, the spaces in between, the aether.  “I hope you're having a wonderful day,” I said, and sat there for a few moments after I hung up, feeling strangely energized, like I'd accomplished something.  

  
This woman loved me deeply, and I loved her.  I just knew she would be happy to have me closer.  I had that faith.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know. I'm a terrible person.

Every day is a risk.  Every day we stand still, we learn to have faith that tomorrow will be like today, stretching forward into vague tomorrows.  To expect things is problematic, but, as humans, it seems to be part of our make-up. If we're lucky, when we look ahead, it's with a positive view, instead of fear, an excitement for all the adventures and experiences we might have.  We may even become confident of the choices we make, thinking everything will fall into place.  To live in the moment is to take solace and gratitude in the concept that life is ever-changing, and we have no control of it.  Each experience, whether we perceive it as good or bad, happens in the natural order of things, not because it's destined, but because it just  _ is.   _ We forget.

 

We couldn't have been more blind sided.  

 

Teo, Michael and I were just inside the open double doors, talking to the woman who would be Sevvy’s teacher.  Sevvy was in the playground behind us, along with several other children giving the equipment a tryout and a teacher’s aide who seemed both friendly and competent.  It could've only been minutes before one of us turned around to check on him, but when Teo did, our son was no longer in eyesight.

 

Teo excused himself and took a couple steps to peer around the corner.  Ms. Gleason was telling us about the music program, and we were joking about the endless tradition of kids practicing on recorders.  Then Teo said:

 

“Honey?”

 

There was something about his tone of voice that made all of us turn to him immediately. 

 

“I don't see Severo,” he said, fully turning his body towards the section out of view from the doorway.  “Sevvy,” he called out, “Severo!”

 

“I'm sure Ms. Clarke-” the teacher began, and then

 

“Oh my God!” Teo gasped, and ran out of sight.

 

A cold wash of adrenaline rushed through my blood, and I was running before I knew it.  Everything besides my desperate forward vision disappeared, turned into a blur as I looked to spot only two things: Severo and Teo.

 

Teo was still running, yelling something, and our son… was talking to a man through the chain-link fence.  A man in a black suit, who was handing him something.

 

The man looked up at Teo, then straight at me. I nearly tripped at that look, it was so pointed, so cold.  The faintest hint of a smirk curved his lips and it was anything but friendly. I felt another stab of adrenaline constrict my chest.

 

Teo was yelling at the man, asking who he was, and telling Sevvy to move away from him.  The man didn't seem worried or hurried.  A passing breeze did nothing to ruffle his perfectly neat, clipped hair, or his demeanor.  He stepped back from the fence almost nonchalantly, and tucked one hand in his pocket.  It looked loaded, heavy, like he had something in there, something metallic.

 

Then he glanced quickly at the both of us and turned around.  Teo reached Sevvy and yanked him back from the fence, calling after the stranger.  I caught up and stopped myself with my hands on the fence, sending a clattering wave down its length.  The man's walk even looked malevolent, as he moved toward the circular driveway, up to a black SUV with dark-tinted windows.  He slipped in the passenger side, not looking back, and the door closed as the car pulled away, disappearing from view behind a ridge almost immediately.  I only got the first three letters of the license plate and they were mutable in my mind from my shock and fear.

 

I could have been there seconds.  I could have been there weeks.

 

The sound of Sevvy wailing out a sob snapped me out of it.  I turned around to see Michael had caught up, now, the teacher not far behind.  Teo was tightly gripping our son’s shoulders, looking from the direction the SUV had gone down to our boy’s head, face, body, scanning him frantically to see if he was alright.  Quickly I kneeled down and grasped Sevvy’s arms below his shoulders, giving a quick tug to Teo’s clamped fingers.

 

“Are you okay?  Are you okay?”  

 

My voice came out harshly to my ears.  Michael had dropped beside me, putting his arms around his husband and child.  He was shushing lowly, almost in a whisper, trying to calm them both down.  As Teo realized he was unintentionally being rough, he loosened his grasp, and Sevvy leaned forward to anchor himself between Michael’s and my shoulders, trembling, a baffled whimper seeping from his mouth, lips clamped in fear.  

 

“Okay,” I tried to reassure him, this time quietly in his ear, “we’re right here, we’ve got you.  Just tell me what happened, Cookie.”

 

He sniffled and swallowed, glancing back at Teo, who also lowered himself to our son’s level, face worried, but more composed.

 

“H-he, there was a man and he said he knuh-knew you,” Sevvy finally managed, his eyes, nose and mouth leaking, cheeks and nose pinking.  “He said is my mom Cosima N-Niehaus, and I didn’t say anything, I swear, I didn’t say anything!”

 

Shit.  Tears pricked at my eyes, too.  Our child, young as he was, knew not to talk too much about about me, like I was a criminal on the lam.

 

“Okay, nene, we’re listening, we believe you.  What happened next?”

 

Severo looked up at his papa from under dew-dropped eyelashes.  He sniffled again, seeming to catch his breath.

 

“He… he said he knew you,” he repeated.  “I didn’t, I wasn’t sure, but he said if he could just give me a note for you… he said he w-wouldn’t… he would just stay on that side of the fence and give me the note.”

 

“Did he do or say anything else?” Teo quickly asked, Michael shooting him a look that said  _ be gentle. _

 

“He said it was g-good to meet me.  He seemed okay.  I didn’t even tell him my name, I promise!”

 

“That’s good, honey, that’s very good,” Michael crooned, giving him a slight, encouraging squeeze.  Sevvy let out a small, receding hiccough of a sob, and wiped his face on Michael’s collar. He looked down again, this time at his own tightly-clenched fist.  He opened it, revealing a crumpled piece of paper.  I took a deep breath and laid my hand over his, but I didn’t snatch the scrap away from him.

 

“And that’s all?” I asked him softly.  He nodded.  “He didn’t scare you?”  Sevvy went through a hesitant, stuttering shrug.

 

“I was careful.  I didn’t even touch his fingers.  Then Papa…”  his eyes welled up again.

 

“You were crying because Papa was upset?  Was that kind of frightening to you?” Teo bit his lip as I posed this question.  Sevvy nodded again.

 

“I’m sorry,” Teo told him, placing his hand on our son’s shoulder, carefully and gently this time.  “I wasn’t upset with you, okay, nene?  I was just worried about you, my heart.  I’m sorry I scared you.”

 

Sevvy nodded once more, sucking at his lower lip, then leaned gingerly over to put his arms around Teo. 

 

“I’m gonna take this, alright, Cookie?” I finally said, and slid the note out of his palm.  My fingers trembled as I opened it, and I damned myself for it.

 

_ Hello, Cosima, _ it said, in printed lettering.   _ We’ve been looking for you.   _ My free hand flew up to my head, clutching it, before I read on.

 

_ We will arrange a meeting with you.  Don’t tell anyone.  Don’t try to run.  We will know if you do. You are under surveillance, and so is your son. _

 

I must have gasped, because Michael was suddenly beside me, supporting me.

 

_ If you comply with our instructions, it is less likely someone will get hurt.  We will contact you soon. _

 

And that was it.  That was all it said.  I fought against my fear, then tried to breathe through it.  Neither worked.  I turned over the paper.  Nothing else on it, no name, no mark.

 

But I knew it was bad.  It was very, very bad.

 

The teacher ran up to us.  I guess she had gone somewhere.  She had a man I vaguely recognized as the principal with her.

 

“Is he hurt?  I called the school nurse; I called the police…” Her voice was shrill.

 

I looked up at her.  All my boys were looking at me, all upset and needing answers, reassurance.  I pressed my eyes shut.

 

_ “Shit,”  _ I hissed to myself.  My eyes flew to Michael’s, Teo’s.  “You know I can’t…” I whispered.

 

I could see the emotions working under the straight face Teo was trying to maintain.  His eyes narrowed and reopened, his jaw tensed so much that his temples contracted, drawing up his forehead while his brows remained in a frown.  Then he leaned down and scooped up Sevvy in his arms, tucking him comfortingly against his chest.

 

“I promise you, nothing like this has happened before.  We’ll do whatever it takes, to the fullest extent of the law… once the police—” the principle was rambling at Michael, clearly trying to seem in control.  As if any of us were.

 

“My son is very upset,” Teo interrupted him, his voice brooking no contest.  “I am going to take my family home, and the police can interview us there.”

 

The principal, teacher and Michael all looked at him in consternation at once, the two school officials gawping like fish, while Michael compressed his lips in a tight line, but said nothing.

 

“But—” the principal tried, but Teo turned away from him touching my shoulder in order to get me walking away in front of him.

  
“We will also need to speak to our lawyers,” he informed them as he began to follow me, and the principal paled.  Teo looked back at Michael and something passed between them, because Michael quick-stepped and joined us in walking toward the parking lot, his arm wrapping over the shoulders of his husband and son.  Quickly, we hustled into the car, Teo securing Sevvy in his car seat as I slumped into the rear seat beside our boy in a dreamlike, or rather, nightmarish state.  Michael watched to make sure all belts were fastened and doors closed, then drove us, swiftly but with control, out of the school driveway.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I'm finishing reposting the chapters that I had left on fanfiction dot net... :)

The car proceeded down the road. It was quiet for a moment. Sevvy's breathing had returned to normal, but slow tears still leaked from his eyes. I hugged him and kissed his temple.

"Cosima," Teo said, and my stomach dropped even further. I looked at him.

"This isn't just… minor drug or immigration charges, is it?" His voice was both gentle and full of dread. I could see from the sweat popping up on his brow that he was struggling not to react further.

"Teo, I…" Tears swam across my eyes. "No. But, it's complicated. I—"

"I want to trust you." Michael's voice, despite his keeping his eyes locked on the road, held a timbre I'd never heard before from him. "We're going to get Severo home and then we'll talk. Is there any problem with that?" I stared at the back of his head, feeling like I'd ruined his voice somehow, like he had never spoken in such controlled menace before before, but I'd broken him. I'd broken all of us.

My phone buzzed.

I immediately grabbed it out of my bag and fumbled with it, ripping off the back cover without even looking at the to caller i.d. I quickly yanked out the battery and sim card. We rolled up to a red light, and I opened the door.

" _Hold on,"_  I told them, with more command than I'd expected. I threw the phone against the asphalt and grunted as if stung when it bounced, only a small part breaking off. Frustrated, I ran forward and placed it under one of the front tires, the leaped back into the car.

Everyone was looking at me like I was an alien.

" _Go,"_ I exhorted, meeting Michael's eyes in the rearview.

"But what if—" Teo began. I glanced forward and up.

"The light is changing.  _Drive._ "

There was a pop and crunch as the car rolled over the cell phone, shattering it. My mind whirled. Should I have them drop me off someplace inconspicuous? My hand clutched my wallet and I squeezed it, trying to recall what was in there. It might be enough... but, if we were being watched, that might be a bad idea. I couldn't know how true the words on that terrible letter might be.

"What—" Teo began, but stopped again to watch as I rolled down the rear window and chucked the sim card into the back of a passing pick-up truck.  _Two points_ , my mind dizzily informed me, on the edge of delirium. I took a breath.

"I'm going to talk to you when we get back to the house, when Sevvy has nap time," I told him. "I'll explain to you what I can, but I'm gonna need a burner phone as soon as possible."

"A 'burner phone?'" Teo asked, only able to keep his voice normal after taking a glance at Sevvy. Before he could say anything else, we all lurched rightward when Michael took a sudden left.

"Teo, you get it." Michael's volume was normal, but you could tell it was an order. "I'll drop you off at Kingston. You can catch the UCAT back." This time Teo's wide eyes jerked to his husband.

"The  _bus?_ " he asked, voice rising in tone and volume. Michael gave a swift nod.

"It should come by at about 1:30, so you'll want to jog it. I'm going to take Sevvy and—" he glanced in the rearview at me, and his lips compressed into that taut line again, "—us back to the house. I don't trust you driving when you're this upset, but maybe you won't be noticed this way," he addressed Teo again. "I will keep an eye on our son and make sure he's safe. When you get back, I'm sure Cosima will tell us what's going on." Another implicit command in a tone that wouldn't scare our child, this time aimed at me.

Teo actually paused with his mouth open for a moment.

'Do you really think we should separate?" he husked. We all exchanged glances, but something in Michael's demeanor made Teo shut his mouth and and nod.

"Okay," he said, and touched Michael's shoulder. "Okay." He turned to look at Sevvy in the back seat, and patted his knee.

"Alright, mi alma, Papa's going to take a quick shopping trip while Daddy takes you and Cosima home." His eyes flitted to me and I winced, realizing I wasn't Mommy or Mama, now. "I'll be back by the time you finish your nap."

"We never take the bus," Sevvy pointed out, but quietly, muffled, his cheek pressed against the safety seat headrest.

"I know, but today has been different, and Daddy wants to get you home safe right away, while I have to do this thing."

Sevvy's eyes rolled toward me, the whites showing, signalling his alarm. He was rattled, but trying to be good. I inhaled deeply, pooling all my reserves of calm.

"Listen," I said to him, "I know things have been kind of weird today, and pretty scary. Sometimes things don't go how we expect them. Remember the time that raccoon knocked over the trash?" He nodded weakly, but solemnly. "That's good. What did you learn then?"

"All noises aren't dangerous," he mumbled, then spoke a bit more clearly, "but animals can be dangerous so treat them with… caution and respeck— respect. And… you and Daddy and Papa look out for me, and protect me… and to keep a cool head and ask y-you when I am scared." I worked hard to keep my lower lip from trembling. He was so good, so smart — and he could tell how upset we were. Because  _I_  had endangered him.

"That's right," Teo reassured him. "Sometimes we adults get nervous, but we're not mad at you. We just need to talk with the police about that man who gave you the note, because he wasn't supposed to do that. So, you're going home, and I'm going to do something to help us." My son's eyebrows scrunched a bit skeptically, his lower lip protruding in a tired pout, but he nodded.

"Just be chill, Cookie Man," I told him, placing my palm on his soft, ruffled hair. My grin was small, but, I hoped, reassuring. "You have some lunch and rest, and we'll take care of things. You'll most likely feel a little better when you wake up, okay?"

Michael pulled the car into the grocery store parking lot, just as if it were a regular shopping day. I felt a tiny bit better when I saw Teo's lip reflexively curl into a sneer as we faced the Chipotle. There was something so normal about it, that he could still register disgust despite the whirlwind we were in. But I could see his eyes mist up as he leaned over to kiss Michael on the cheek. Like a true retired actor, though, he put on his game face and turned back to Severo.

"Te amo. I'll see you later, okay?"

"Bye, Pa." Severo gave him a little wave.

Teo took one last look into the car, and I suddenly remembered something.

"If they have a flip phone or a brick, just get that. I don't need wifi or bluetooth or SB. Uh, they may be easier to find in the big, cheap chain stores than the phone companies' stores."

"Cos," Teo huffed, and just hearing him use the diminutive gave me hope that I hadn't lost his friendship, yet. "What do you think? I  _have_  seen  _The Wire_ , before. And 'El Silbón'

used one once," he added referring to his most famous television role. He shook his head and closed the door.

I didn't move to switch to the front seat.

We pulled out and drove for a moment in silence.

"That, uh, was a pretty good idea about the phone and bus and stuff," I awkwardly ventured.

"It seems pretty obvious to me," Michael responded, words clipped, then mumbled "although I'm not the expert here." I didn't know what to say. I could barely even think coherently at that point.

Some more road went by. Sevvy started whisper-singing a song from one of his kids' shows. There was so much I wanted to say, and so much I probably should've said, but I couldn't do it now, in front of our child.  _Our_  child. And now when I was finally trying to be a constant in his life…

I closed my eyes and breathed. I felt like "be here now" wasn't gonna cut it when the present felt so tense, so I tried to be silent, think of nothing, be nothing, just observe the stabs of emotions and memories that came to my head without holding on to them.

Sevvy seemed to be winding down. The peak of the excitement had passed, and the car's motion over the familiar, almost bucolic roads was soothing him towards sleep. I opened my eyes and looked at him while his eyelids fluttered open, half-mast, shut. I knew that soon I'd have to explain things, but maybe more importantly I needed to contact my sisters.

And every fibre of my being was crying out that I really,  _really_  needed Delphine.


	17. Chapter 17

How many times had I been through this, trying to act normal when everything was exploded, scattered, when I had to deceive myself that everything was fine in order to deceive others? Or had it really been fine, and staying calm and determined helped me get through it?  _Is this real? Is this happening?_  I thought,  _What do I do?_ And then each time, an old familiar voice came up into my head as if from a deep well:  _I don't know, I don't know._

"One step at a time," I said aloud, and Michael looked at me from across the table. My eyes moved from the sight of my child sleepily gnawing a tomato-and-cheese sandwich to meet my co-parent's. I cleared my throat and looked back at Sevvy.

"Finish what you can of lunch and then Daddy will help you get ready for your nap. Just wash up, you don't need a whole bath."

Sevvy half nodded and swallowed. He took a sip of his soy milk. He didn't even seem to want to resist, to insist on his story or a cookie, first. He was bone-tired, and, under the adrenaline, so were we all.

When Sevvy said he was full, Michael told him to head to the bathroom. As I rose from my seat, the man who'd always seemed so wise, so gentle, turned and pinned me to my place with his eyes.

"Don't go anywhere," he commanded, and I felt another wave of despair.

"I'm just going to my bedroom, I swear," I told him, raising my hands as if in surrender. He kept staring at me. "I'll wait 'til you get back and you can go with me," I acquiesced, and he turned to settle Sevvy into bed.

It was so hard to stay still, not to pace, to cry, to scream or do  _anything_ , really, to remain suspended in this moment indefinitely, as if it would never end.  _It will, it will_ ,  _be patient,_  I reassured myself, and tried to shield myself against the rising tide of my feelings by chanting a repeating series of perfectly-tuned  _Om_ s in my head, as if I was back in one of the monastic meditation groups I'd attended. It was my voice, but it was also every living thing's. Yet, even as I felt it relax a piece of me, another part of me was yelling at me to  _wake up and do something_ , because "grounding" or "centering" wasn't gonna help. I was crawling out of my skin.

I rose and put one foot in front of the other, relying on habit and ritual. I walked to the cabinet and got out a glass. I filled it with the pitcher of water from the refrigerator. I drank. I listened to myself swallow, and I felt my tears prickle and press from the corners of my eyes slowly, as if being measured drop by drop.

I repeated this several times, looking into the middle distance, and finally sitting again at the table. Michael came back into the room. We stared at each other.

"As much as I want to, to  _interrogate_  you," he said lowly, with effort, "I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt. I want you to explain what's going on, tell us  _everything_ as soon as my husband gets back."

His husband. As if I had no connection to his family. I thought he didn't mean it, he couldn't have said it on purpose, I  _knew_  Michael. And yet…

"I, uh, I do have to get something from my room," I suddenly said, almost surprising myself. "You can go with me and we can come back here or wherever you want. It's just I have something that can help keep us safe."

He observed me closely, head slightly back, probably not sure whether to trust my pleading. Finally,

"Alright. You lead," he said.

I nearly tripped over the table leg and then tried to keep my pace controlled. I made it to the bedroom as he followed, and immediately grabbed my suitcase from the bottom of the closet, upending it over the bed. "C'mon, c'mon," I chanted to myself, until I found the small rivet in the lower lining and worked it out with my fingernail. Inside, my hand grasped the plastic box. Drawing it out, I opened it. What I needed was nestled in the center of the cushioning foam.

"I—" I started, and then stopped in confusion. Michael wasn't there. Where had be gone?

I glanced back down at the box and began to pry the small device from its mooring. The creak of a floorboard came from the doorway, and Michael was there again. His arm was bent in an odd position; I realized it was leaning on something that hung from his shoulder by a strap.

It was a rifle.

I swallowed and he watched me as I did it. Visions of Mrs. S rushed into my head. But did he have it to protect me or protect against me?

He glanced down at it with a look of resolved distaste. It was obviously old, with a dark-wood and dented stocks, but it looked clean.

"This was my father's hunting rifle, and my grandfather's and great-grandfather's before that," he said quietly, as if to the long, metal barrel itself. "I was taught how to use it as a child, but when I inherited it, I put it away, hoping to never use it again. I just kept it because it was theirs, my family's. It felt like… like their ghosts would be disappointed if I didn't." He looked up at me again, and his fingers fell a little, his pointer resting on the side of the trigger guard.

"I hope I won't need to use it," he finished, looking up to meet my eyes. Before I could get my mouth moving her nodded his head toward the item in my hand. "Whatchya got?"

"Oh, um," I held the black, plastic box up for him to see, as well as the small, static-resistant pouch in my other hand. "It's a scrambler. It scrambles cell and radio signals, so they can't be tapped. Well,  _probably_  can't be tapped," I admitted, and he walked over to take a look at it, his gun pointing, to my relief, at the floor.

"So, that thing about surveillance, you believe it? It could be true?" he asked, and I cleared my throat.

"Yeah, and I'll tell you all about it—" I began, but he waved me quiet.

"Yeah, when Teo gets home," he finished for me. He nodded at my other hand. "And that?"

"It's a thumb drive and some SIM cards," I explained. "These are for use, in case of an emergency, to contact a friend."

His expression flitted between pissed, tired, sad. He pushed his hair back from his forehead with his free hand.

"A 'friend.' Jesus Christ, Cosima, what have you gotten us all into?"

My mouth worked, but nothing came out. I wanted to apologize again and again, but I didn't know if he wanted that, if it would make a difference. I wasn't sure if he wanted to know or it was rhetorical, and he really just wanted me to  _not be there_.

"I'm sorry," I finally said, after I worked up the spit to answer. "But I should get this working right away to protect us all."

He raised his eyebrows and stepped back, letting me slide past him, and followed me back down the hall. I found my laptop on the coffee table, still on, just in sleep mode. I took a steadying breath and pushed the drive into the slot, touching the pad to wake it up.

The light by the drive turned on immediately. You couldn't hear the clicks or whirrs of the drives of the latest computers turning over anymore, but there was the faintest buzz, more felt than heard, that told me it was working, transferring data.

I finally sat down on the couch in front of it and pressed the test button on the scrambler. The led blinked on. It was ready. I flipped its switch.

Michael seemed to be getting more nervous.

"Who's your friend, and what did you mean by  _probably_?" he asked.

"There's uh, there's always a chance of parabolic mics, or other long-distance listening devices," I revealed. "But it's highly unlikely with the build of this house and the surrounding area that we wouldn't notice someone close enough... um, I hope."

"You  _hope,_ " he repeated. I felt like somehow all my social and communication skills had vanished. Could I make this any worse?

"Well, it's kind of moot, now…" I mumbled, but before I could dig my hole deeper there was a rattle at the door. We both spooked and then realized it was the kind of sound made when an actual key turns in the lock. Teo came bustling in, sweating and carrying several shopping bags.

Michael visibly relaxed a little.

"Okay, I'm here," my friend panted, then caught me looking at the bags. "I got it," he told us, "I just didn't want to have the one bag, just in case. I got decoy bags!" It could almost have been humourous if the situation had been a little different. Michael laid a calming hand on Teo's forearm, and Teo noticed the gun as he did, growing tensely still.

"Honey?" he asked.

"It's okay," Michael told him, "It's not loaded. The cartridges are in my pocket." Teo let out a breath of relief. Suddenly I felt like I could breathe much clearer, too.

There was a flash on my computer screen and it abruptly went dark. A few seconds passed and a plain, white text ellipsis appeared. Then,  _testing,_  it said.

We all stared at it, seconds feeling like minutes. Then rows of the unintelligible gibberish of coding began scrolling up the screen. Michael looked worried, and Teo scrunched up his brow in confusion. There was a brief "blip" of a system noise, and then it stopped.

_Password:_ It said. I typed it in quickly, the keystrokes sounding loud in the quiet room.  _Scan_ , it said, and I brought my eye within a few inches of the built-in camera, only remembering after a moment to pull my glasses off.

The screen lit up, but it wasn't my usual desktop background. It was a chair and a white wall on a video feed. Then someone slid into the chair. Dark, slightly frizzy hair hung in front of their face for a moment, and then they leaned back, and their face came into focus. It was my face, too, save some small differences.

"Cosima," the accented voice came through the speaker, "I've cleaned everything. Do you have the scrambler and the SIM chip?" I nodded. "Put it in the phone," she said.

I waved my hand at Teo and he finally took his eyes away from the screen to look at me. He rustled in one of the bags and pulled out the cell phone. I took it and unboxed it quickly, the slid it open and put in the SIM. I closed the phone's back securely and plugged its cord into another slot on my computer. Tiny arrow icons pointing up and down flickered on the little grey display.

After a moment of tapping at keys, my friend on the screen looked up at me and nodded.

"Are you alright?" she quickly asked, and I let out a breath I'd been holding.

"I'm not injured, but there's some stuff going on," I told her, and then I turned, leaning back so my son's fathers' eyes could see the screen and meet the camera.

"Guys, this is Mika. She's my sister," I sighed and corrected myself as they looked between our nearly identical faces. "Well, one of them," I amended, and we began.


	18. Chapter 18

"I told you there was such a thing as clones!" Teo slapped Michael on the shoulder to emphasize his exclamation. "Sometimes things on the internet  _are_  real."

I breathed a small sigh of relief. It looked like Teo was taking the news about my past pretty well. Michael, however, still looked pissed, bemused and more than a little worn out.

"I'm really sorry, guys," I said. I'd been apologizing throughout the story of our finding out we were clones, finding each other, DYAD, Neolution, Topside, Castor, Delphine, Shay, the cure and that creepy Prolethean cult. "I wanted to protect you from all that. I hoped it was over, especially after moving all over to stay off the radar. And I love you guys; I wanted you to be happy and have the child you wanted. And it was like, suddenly I was healthy, and it really made me appreciate my functional uterus, so… I followed my heart." I scanned their faces and wished I could know what they were thinking. "And out of that, we made this miracle, this little boy that shouldn't have been possible, this… our son, who is amazing and unique and brilliant and also so unbelievably, completely  _normal,_ " I expounded, the full force of my feelings briefly breaking my voice. I swallowed and finished, in both a declaration and a plea. "I'm not gonna apologize for that."

There was a brief silence as they both regarded me. Michael's face looked vaguely pained, while my sweet friend Teo's eyes filled with tears. This could be it. The moment they told me to get out, forever.

Instead, Teo came forward and pulled me to him in a tight embrace.

"Te perdono," he said, with great emotion as he hugged me, "and I understand. I'm sorry all those crazy things happened to you. This, this is not good news, but I'm glad you shared it, and I love you."

A noise came from behind him, something like a cross between a scoff and a trembling gasp, and my gaze flew to Michael. He didn't say anything, he looked at both of us like he couldn't believe what he was seeing, somehow. Finally, he rasped out:

"I need to take a walk… around the yard." The last part was clearly so we understood he was going out, but would stay nearby, in case he was needed. He turned and walked abruptly out through the kitchen and then to the deck. Teo looked down at me, and I know my lip trembled.

"He'll come through it, you'll see," he reassured me. "He just needs a little time."

"I hope so," I sighed deeply. "I… I don't know how much time we have. But I'm going to get the best help I can, from my sisters and our friends. And if… if I ever feel like my being here is putting Sevvy and you guys into more danger than if I left, you know I'll be gone so fast—"

"Shh, shh. I know," Teo told me, and squeezed me again. Then he looked back and forth between me and the computer. "So, what's next?" he asked. "You said you wanted to talk to Sarah yourself." He briefly raised an eyebrow, as if realizing for the first time that my vague references to semi-estranged sisters, particularly that one, carried a lot more baggage than I'd ever disclosed, but he seemed to shake it off quickly. "Will she help us? Will I meet her?"

"Yeah, yeah, totally," I nodded. "She's, she's always the one who takes charge like, like some kind of action hero, you know? She's… I guess she grew up a scrapper," I finished, somewhat lamely.

"So… are you going to call her? Do you need me to step out?"

"No, no… I mean, yes, I will call her, you don't have to leave. I just… I just want to do one thing first," I told him, and felt my lips curling inward and pressing together, my awkward version of my love's habit of biting her lip. "I just, I just need to talk to Delphine," I said, and the last few words came out in a rasp, teetering towards a sob. He squeezed my shoulders, his expression understanding.

"Okay, girl, you do that," he told me. "I'll just check on Sevvy for a minute, okay?" I nodded, thankful to my bones for him, yet craving his absence, just for a moment, so I could reach out to her, my love. I needed her support  _so much_.

I was on my new flip phone before he even cleared the doorway into the hall, and dialed quickly from memory, chewing the inside of my cheek as it rang, and then:

" _Allo, you have reached the number of Dr. Cormier,_ " her voice came through, achingly sweet and familiar to me despite the crisp professionalism of her recorded message.  _"Please leave a message and your number after the tone, and I will get back to you as soon as I can."_  I blinked back tears in the moment of static, and then heard the beep.

"Baby," I breathed, then cleared my throat. "Delphine, I… something has happened, something with Sevvy and I really need to talk with you. It's… he's alright, but I think…" I stopped mid-sentence. I really couldn't know if they'd gotten to her line, if it was compromised, could I? I mentally chastised myself for saying too much, but I had just heard her voice and…

"So…" I clutched the phone to my ear, working to keep from breaking down in that moment. " _Please call me_ ," I finally pled. "I really need you right now."

I hung up quickly, covering up my mouth with the inside of my elbow to stifle the part of me that wanted to collapse.  _She'll call soon, she'll call,_  I told myself. Then I took a deep breath and went to dial Sarah's number, but the phone vibrated and the small screen lit up before I could do it. My empty hand flew to cover my mouth.  _No one is supposed to have this number,_ my brain yelped, but then I realized:  _MK._ I fumbled for a moment with the unfamiliar buttons, then opened the text.

\- Aunt Cosima, it's Kira, the message read.

\- MK gave me your number. Please pick up when I call you. -

"What the—" I barely had time to mumble out loud, and then the phone bleated in one of those horrible, built-in tunes that they come with. I shook my head to clear it and answered.

"Hello?" I started, with trepidation.

"Aunt Cosmia, thank God!" my niece's voice broke in, clearly concerned. "What's going on? Are you alright? Is Sevvy okay?"

"Uh…" It took a moment for my brain to catch up. "Uh, hi, Kira. Yeah… yeah we're okay right now. How— why did you—"

"Cosima, you know how I know," she deflected me, all matter-of fact. "I got in touch with MK when I felt something was wrong with you. Tell me what's going on."

That kid and her crazy psychic powers. Neither my past scientific inquiry nor my following years of metaphysical wanderings had been able to explain it, but it was just true: Kira felt us, me and my sisters. And after a brief phase of denial during high school, she was better at it and more inexplicably spooky than ever.

"Um, well…" I took a breath and tried to sort out how best to relate it to her. I decided to get straight to the point. "Some guy came to Sevvy's new school and gave him a note when we weren't looking," I simplified. "He's okay, but the guy was definitely, like, DYAD or FBI, or something. Fucking creepy as hell. The note basically said I,  _we_ were being watched and I'd better stay put until I was contacted or…" Tears squeezed from my eyes again. "Or something might happen to him."

Kira was silent for a moment, then took in a deep breath of her own.

"So, you got MK to help you cover yourself. Are you still with the guys? Did you tell them?"

"Y-yeah," I answered. "It's... I'm not sure how it's going with them. I mean, Teo… he's my knight in fucking... Spanish armour, but Michael, he's— he's mad. I've never seen him like this…"

"Okay," she told me, her voice coming through in a solid, reassuring tone. "Got it. I  _knew_  it was something like that." She paused for a moment, as if mulling things over, then continued. "You haven't told my mom yet, have you? But you have to. What can I do to help? Do you want me to come out there? Do you want me to talk to her first?"

This kid. It was like she was the best of us, distilled down, somehow. Smart as hell, composed, loving, protective, mature, and well, obviously, beyond the ordinary in some telepathic,  _grok_ -king sense. Also, she had managed to grow some of the most amazing hair this side of Delphine, I swear. She'd never tell me her secret as to how she styled it, although it was moot now, since I'd re-dreaded myself. I let my thoughts sort themselves out for a couple seconds, then reassured her.

"Kira, you don't have to do anything," I said, "I can handle this."

"Yeah, okay," she responded, with what I interpreted as some stifled uncertainty in the rhythm of her words. "I could… well, I'm sure you can tell her. Just… I'll be here if you need me," she finished. Maybe she suspected I was being stubborn. I was pretty sure I was being adult and honest and capable, from my viewpoint. "You know how Mom can be," she added, as if in an uncertain afterthought.

"Yeah, um, I know," I managed. Things were continuing to become more surreal every moment. I squeezed my eyes shut and wished really hard that that meant I was dreaming. But her voice broke through my thoughts again, as clear and unlikely as any reality I've ever known.

"Listen, Sevvy knows you're upset," she said, cold cocking my internal monologue. "I can… I can feel him, too," she admitted, "and he can feel you." I felt like the ground was spinning out from under me. I mean, there had been little things,  _maybe_ signs now and then, but… Fuck, maybe I'd been in denial, or just away from him too much. And what if… what if that was why they, whoever these people, these  _threats_  were, were after us? What if what had happened with Castor's brains and the weaponizing had—

" _Breathe,_  Aunt Cosima," Kira said, "we'll figure it out, we'll do something. Just… call me if you have trouble with my mom. And, seriously, if there's anything I can do…"

" _Sweetheart,"_  I blurted, not even sure what I was thinking myself, at this point. "I will, I'll keep it in mind, But…" A hope came to me. "Can you reassure him?" I asked.

"It doesn't work that way. At least not for me," she answered, and while I was used to having questions, to being curious and wanting to figure things out, I think I was shorting out a little bit at that point. "But I can get out there at any time. You just… do whatever you need to get some support." Her voice became lower, pressing, reassuring. "We'll get through this," she told me, and when I couldn't answer she said a quiet "bye for now" and hung up.

And I, both shaking and thoroughly shaken, dialed another number in a desperate haze.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapter that had previously been published before the Missing Fic Debacle of 2016. Stay tuned...

There was a lot of cursing and shouting in disbelief. Of course there was. Sarah was the mama bear of us all. Her accent became increasingly thicker as she asked me questions, then she went briefly silent when I told her about Kira's call.

"Sarah?" I asked.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm here. It's just… that kid, you know?" I nodded even though she couldn't see it.

"Yeah, I know."

"Bloody hell!" she erupted again, and I could practically feel the whirling desperation of her agitated state, her mind going into battle mode. "Is there anything else you saw, anything else you can think of, that could tell us who they are?"

"I'm sorry, that's all I've got. I've been thinking it over since it happened. Mika is on it, though. You know what she can do."

"Yeah, but we have a more immediate need," she pointed out. "Everyone, all the sisters need to get a warning. They've got to hunker down or take precautions. We don't know how big this thing is."

"Right," I agreed. "But I'm gonna need help with that, because I have too much on my hands to call a phone tree, or something." I was getting so tired from the constant rush of adrenaline and emotion that I was beginning to feel woozy, noticing the trembling in my hands with a strange, detached concern.

"That's all Allison," she gruffed. "I'll get her on it. Maybe Krystal can help out. We need all hands on deck.  _Shit._ "

"Yeah," was all I could say to that, tangling my fingers in my dreads. The was a soft noise behind me, but I startled, turning to see that it was Teo returning from Sevvy's room. He gave me a concerned yet supportive look and tiptoed behind me into the kitchen.

"OK. I'm gonna have to reach my contacts at the agency and the bureau, but… I don't know what to tell 'em. They've come through in the past, but, shit, Cos, how do we know who to trust?"

"I don't know, Sarah. We just have to go with their track record with dealing with us, right? We tried to do this all on our own before, but it was a nightmare. I didn't think anyone could be trusted when I was on walkabout, but it turned out the decision you guys made to go to the press and the Feds finally got us free from DYAD. Or at least we thought… I… do you think this could be them, or Topside?"

"Damned if I know.  _Ugh_. It seems a little rinky-dink to be government, but who at DYAD and Topside was left? We have no idea. We just—" Her voice stopped abruptly.  _Shit, did our connection go down? Is someone tapping in?_ my brain bleated.

"Sarah?" I asked lowly, breaking out into a cold sweat. It was still quiet, but then I heard it: the faint sound of her ragged breathing. "Sar?"

"We know who this is," she finally answered, her voice all simmering rage. "Cosima, this all happened since you've been back with Delphine. It has to be her."

I felt like I had been shooting upward in a high-speed elevator, only to have the bottom drop out.  _No._

"No," I pushed out aloud. "No no no… it can't be."

"Cos, think about it. All those years without a thing happening and then she shows up—"

" _NO,_ " I barked, feeling my self control slip. " _NO WAY,_  Sarah. She loves me, and I love her. I  _know_  that. She wouldn't—"

"Where is she now?" Sarah asked, and I could hear a steely edge slipping into her voice.

"She's—" I fumbled for a moment, my mouth open, then shook my head. "She's at a  _conference,_  Sarah. She can't… After all this time distrusting her, after everything, you can't—"

"Did you call her?" My sister asked, and I briefly remembered a world in which she was not my sister, when I was young and blissfully unaware. Before Beth and I had that fateful conversation, and my life went all  _Twilight Zone._  Of course I'd been stunned, but there was the evidence right in front of me, and then I was… I was  _curious._  I'd even been  _excited._ What were the chances this was all a, a fever-dream or coma trance, and if I just shouted loud enough, ran far enough, I could find the edges, bust out into the "real world" as I thought I'd known it…?

I was breathing. My heart was beating. I was here, in the now, at a very familiar dining table, with a very familiar voice coming through the telephone, and my  _son_ was breathing and sleeping just in the other room. I had a scar on my thumb from that time Shay startled me while I was chopping carrots. I had the shifting of clothes against my skin, and the dwindling twilight shining red and blue through the spaces between the tree leaves, the window. I had the weight and balance of over a decade of life lived, of  _real_ feelings and experiences, after finding out the improbable circumstances of my creation.

And I had a  _love._  A  _soulmate._

"Cosima," Sarah prodded, and I took a trembling breath.

"I couldn't reach her." My voice sounded weak in my ears.  _No. Not again._ "Sarah, she's just at a conference—"

"When did you last speak with her?" my sister-clone butted in, and she sounded all too sure of the answer.

"It's… it's only been a couple days, Sarah. I left her messages, but… she could be very busy—"

"I thought you guys were in contact every day."  _Fuck._ _Fuck it,_  Sarah, fuck  _you…_ "Cos, I'm sorry. But you have to  _wake up._ "

 _But that's exactly what I want to do, Sarah_. To wake up and have all of this never happened. There was no man in a black suit. There was no threatening letter and there was no bad reason that my girlfriend hadn't responded to my calls or texts for some time, now…

I felt a hitch and a rumbling inside my chest, and it came: a choking, gagging, a rush of bile and then was I going to throw up or was I coughing? I was gagging and coughing and my hand flew to my mouth and I leaned into the table, giving it most of my weight as I couldn't carry it on my own. I was making a noise and Teo came running in and asking "Cosima, are you alright?" as tears leaked from my eyes and out of my nose and tickled my throat and I moaned and looked down…

And my hand was clean. There was no blood. Only the sheen of tears, the flecks of spittle.

I let myself breathe again, feeling the air fill me, feeling my limbs as solid, even if I couldn't trust my own thoughts. Teo was clutching at my shoulders, face full of alarm and worry and fear, and I had to— I couldn't—

"I have to hang up, now," I whispered, the velar consonant at the beginning of my name in her voice being cut off as I pressed the button. I didn't move.

"¿Querida…?" Teo asked me, and my eyes found his.

Then I crumpled into his chest and sobbed.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! So... fuck it, this fic is back.
> 
> Things went a little awry in 2016, to say the least, and the removal of this fic threw its progress off-kilter, and then there was the presidential elections, and well... you know.
> 
> So, joining back in on the story. Just FYI, I kinda lost my betas along the way, so anything from now on is both unbetaed and maybe kind of weird from the shit year I was having. But hey, I hope you enjoy it, anyway! :) I give up on my perfectionism! Here goes!

Mostly it was blank.

Teo had pretty much forced me to take some Xanax. I didn't even know where he'd gotten it. I was so heavy, but I felt my tears slowing, and then he put me in the bed, and I slept.

Then the dreams came.

" _I've made a terrible mistake."_

" _What have you done?"_

I was back in that cot in the DYAD lab, and Delphine was crying. She had been tricked by Rachel and Kira was taken. I'd believed her then, her sincerity, her love. But in this dream, I wasn't sure. Could she be faking her sadness? Her tears were colours, whirling and blending. Some meant truth and some meant lies. I had to observe very carefully and figure out what was really going on before…

I was with Shay, curled up together in the house where we were staying. Despite having been appointed my monitor, she had taken my side. Unlike Delphine, I thought. Or had Delphine really wanted to mend things? And was there any way Shay could have been feeding information about me to someone, even while we were on the run? At night we sought solace in each other's arms. I let my body lead my actions, burying myself in each touch, each kiss. The feeling of her hands on my shoulders, her voice moaning my name, the clutch and tremble of her orgasm around my fingers were present, physical. She couldn't be faking all that, could she? I chose to give her a chance, because she had come clean to me, had suggested running. But underneath, I knew it was something else. I was running from the craziness my life had become, but also the fear, the doubt, the betrayal… and the chill of seeing the gaze of the woman I loved and not knowing if she honestly loved me, or the one thing I held most dear in my heart was a lie.

Suddenly it was morning, and Sarah was there, bursting into the room, waking us.

" _They've got Sevvy and Kira,"_ she shouted, both of them being children at the same time making perfect sense in my subconscious, somehow. " _Get your shit together!"_ She started throwing things at me: clothes, papers, a familiar hunting rifle. Where had I seen it before, and why did it fill me with fear and shame? " _We have to go!"_

The dizzying world of a frantic dream, not knowing exactly what was going on except panic, and running… and Delphine was pulling me into a bed, and whispering " _je t'aime, je t'adore"_ as she made love to me… and it was love, wasn't it? The steady depth of her gaze, the warmth of her voice, the way she'd dedicated herself to learning how to please me, after that first time when she'd fumbled with the actuality of having sex with a woman, being touched by slender fingers, herself.

" _She's your monitor! Just because Paul can't act and Donnie was clueless doesn't mean she's being straight with you!"_ _(Ha ha_ , my brain echoed dumbly,  _straight.) "She's_  smart,  _Cos, and she's higher up than any other monitor we've seen. She's in with_  Leekie,  _for God's sake!"_

Was it fate, the way we fell into each other? Something vast yet concentrated and inexplicable about love? Or was it something rehearsed, practiced, studied until she could convince me utterly? Maybe even, sometimes, convince herself?

" _I wish I didn't have to go, but I'll make it up to you after the conference."_

" _Ooh, Dr. Cormier. How are you going to do_ that?"

And with a kiss she was moving to get into her car. But this time she had Sevvy in her arms. He clung to her, and she kissed him softly on the temple as she put him into the car seat, its straps suddenly seeming like the unbreakable bonds of a trap, and as I glimpsed his face in the window as they drove away, it was filled with fear, and the knowledge that I had betrayed him.

I clawed my way out of the dream, moaning. I might have been shivering if my body didn't feel so leaden. No light shone through the window and there were no sounds save the raspings and calls of cicadas and crickets outside. My eyes rolled back behind my lids, and then I caught them and looked around me again. My bed at the boys' house. Was it safe? Was I alone?

I hauled myself up slowly and stumbled out the doorway. A faint light pulsed from the living room and I moved toward it. Michael was there, sitting in an armchair, the rifle across his lap. The television flickered and murmured in a low babble, as he faced resolutely away from it and toward the window.

I paused at the threshold. He turned and saw me.

"You got some sleep," he finally said, voice matter-of-fact, and my heart constricted again, wondering if he hated me now.

"Um, yeah," I managed, then cleared my throat. "Those pills, you know…" I didn't finish, and his eyes, dark-ringed by exhaustion, didn't move from my face or alter their steady, hooded gaze.

"Where are Sevvy and Teo?" I managed thickly, still a little wobbly on my legs.

"Our bedroom. Sleeping, thankfully, at least last I checked."

I nodded, turning on my heel, compelled to check on them, myself, but paused at the sound of his voice.

"Cos—"

His voice was tired, but maybe a bit gentler than before, and he'd used my nickname. I turned around, trying to read his expression in the gloom, the television light pulsing across his face in alternating harsh shadows and a dim glow.

"I can't imagine what it was like going through what you did," he said, "and I know your decisions were shaped by crazy circumstances. I just wish I had known, that you had told us, because I'm afraid for my son." I swallowed thickly.

"Yeah," I managed, "I know, I get that, now, but hindsight…" I took a breath, realizing I'd wrapped my arms around myself. "There's so much I could have done differently, but I can't change it now. And it's… it's hard, because there are no rational, scientific answers for all this. There was no way for me to research and test what I should do next, so all I could do was whatever felt right to me at the time. It's not an excuse; I know I fucked up, badly. And I can't be sure… How do I know what was beyond my control and what I could affect? I turned to spirituality because I had to accept things that happen that we don't know how to handle. I had to... stay strong, for my sisters, for everyone this fucked up… rolling boulder that was pushed before I was born had in its path; just to keep on living. I knew life was strange and full of seemingly random side trips, experimentations… even jumps in evolution that were both logical and completely out of chance. I tried my best to put it all in order in my mind. But, even though I'm a clone, I'm human. And when I realized having a child could be possible… when I saw you guys, my friends who I loved wanting a child  _so bad…_  maybe something primitive took over. Maybe it was my biology, or some psychological need to mean something other than being the freak who figured out how to save the other freaks like herself…" I choked on a sob, the first I really noticed in the series of them I'd been trying to control.

"Shit, I shouldn't say that. I'm so glad I was able to help my sisters, but… I still felt so isolated by my own… weirdness, or whatever. Maybe it was just… I needed to  _hope._ Take a risk on something good, you know? A  _future_." My words were tumbling out now, and I couldn't stop them, couldn't see his reactions through my screen of tears. "I wasn't honest and I was wrong for that. I thought I was protecting you, and my sisters, but I was also protecting myself. And I can't know that… if I'd told you everything at the beginning, would you have turned away, tried something else? Would Sevvy even  _exist?"_

I stopped myself, panting, trying not to give in and curl into a little ball, give up.  _And now…_ a voice in my head said,  _did Delphine always mean well, as I hoped? As I thought, then doubted, then_ _believed_   _again? Or was Sarah right? Were Delphine's intentions based on something scientific, some kind of desire for power, rather than love? Even worse, could they be based on financial gain, or some twisted set of morals she's had all this time, like Neolution or the Proletheanism?_

_But nobody can be that good an actress,_ I told myself.

_But people can,_ I countered.  _People do it all the time, con and lie… and if anyone knew a con, how to let people believe what they wanted to believe all along, that would be Sarah._

I barely noticed Michael had risen as I struggled in the tangled web of my thoughts, but suddenly he was before me. I only saw him from the chest down, my gaze vaguely focused on the floor.

"Cosima," he said, and he didn't move too close, but he did put a hand on my shoulder. I looked up at him in fear and despair and desperation trembling on the edge of hope. "It's obviously difficult for you, and has been for some time." His fingers patted in an unconscious rhythm on my shoulder, more like he was thinking than a reassuring squeeze. He paused for a moment, his usually kind, calm eyes looking disappointed, maybe a bit lost. He sighed, looked down, then back into my eyes.

"I did some searching — with your laptop, since that's supposed to be safe. I remembered vaguely hearing about the lawsuit against DYAD, how they had experimented on some women and children. I had a buddy of mine I used to work with. He's the kind of guy who's always reading those sites about cryptids, aliens, government plots and whatnot. We used to joke about it. I always just thought it was his form of entertainment, like horror movies, that he wasn't serious about it. But apparently it's more than a hobby, because he still keeps up on all the conspiracy theories. He, uh, he had seen some stuff, some rumours and reports. Some of them seemed ludicrous… most of them. But some added up."

Now he squeezed my shoulder, lightly.

"The thing is, I'm at a disadvantage. I don't know anything, or who to trust. So I need you to look me in the eye and say you'll do whatever you can — whatever it takes to keep our family safe. Tell me if your… sisters are real and they can help us. Because  _I will_ ; I'll do whatever it takes. Understand?"

I knew what he meant, underneath it all. He cared about me, wanted to trust me, but if keeping Savvy safe meant sending me away from our son, he would.

"Yes," I answered through a ragged breath, "whatever it takes. He is my first priority, always. And I believe in my sisters. If you knew the things they'd gone through—" I paused, not wanting to alarm him more, make it worse. "They're so strong, smart and incredible. They have kids themselves, so they know what matters most. If anyone can help us, it's them. I trust them with my life."

He stared at me a moment, searchingly, and then his face and shoulders relaxed just the tiniest bit.

"Okay," he said, and it looked like he might say something else, but Teo's voice sounded softly behind me.

"¿Mi amor?"

I turned my head to see him, watching us both with all the concern that his great depth of heart allowed.

"We were talking," Michael told him, and I turned back to see his expression now matching his voice: worried, but steadfast, grounded, his characteristic ability to remain calm seeping back into him. "Cos tells me that we can trust her sisters, they'll help us. She says they're resourceful."

My stomach eased its frantic churn. I stepped back so I could look at them both, and Teo came forward and put a hand on each of our shoulders, connecting us.

"I believe her," Teo said. "I know this all feels like a… some crazy nightmare, but we've seen her sister Mika, and pictures of some of the others; it all comes together.  _We_  need to come together, too, because we are more than friends, we're a family. Sevvy belongs to all of us, no matter what. However it happens that he gets into trouble, we've got to protect him." He pressed on both of our shoulders, until we were in a circle, arms around one another in a hug of truce and bittersweet love. I felt Michael lose some of the awkwardness, the stiffness with which he'd been carrying himself melting, and we all leaned our foreheads against each other in the embrace. As we did this I found myself exhaling a deep sigh of release, feeling like we could at last all work together to fix this situation.

And as I let go of some of that tension, thoughts of my other love came to the forefront of my mind, and I felt so scared and tired. Would I ever hear from her again? I wanted to believe so, but after an all too brief foray into trust, our love also felt bittersweet, once again.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you guys believe how close we are to the end of the series? Are you interested in reading about Cophine and the other Orphan Black characters afterwards? What do you think?

Sevvy waking up meant we had to force ourselves to be normal. Michael made eggs and pancakes and Teo asked our kid to tell him all about the paper airplanes we had made earlier in Spanish. I took a long shower, trying to let the feel of the water on my head and the negative ions soothe me. Of course I remained tense. I got dressed and spent some time thinking in my room, some of the same things over and over again. Then I switched to thinking about what I could do, what my sisters could do to fix all of this. I knew they had been working in the background, and that we were supposed to connect with Mika in around an hour. Other than that, I registered my brain sparking and fizzling out, not wanting to continue the argument between my head and my heart. Neither of them were sure, anyway.

I ended up pacing, breaking down life into the phylogenetic tree in my head, then from domain and kingdom all the way down to genus and species. It was something I had started doing sometime in middle school, especially when I felt anxious. Things got better in high school, when I got moved into a school for advanced children who valued learning more over being popular. But the habit had gotten ingrained in me, and sometimes I'd find myself doing it at school events, before exams, even at night to help me go to sleep, like counting sheep. When I discovered pot I gradually quit doing this, finding a way to slow down my mind that was experiential and chemical, rather than an intellectual trick, a sort of ritual of repetition I used to bring down my agitation and loosen my hyper-focus. Now I had fallen back upon it almost instinctively, twisting my rings, since I couldn't vape at that moment and the churning of my stomach had interrupted my attempts at meditation. It had helped a little, but being thrust back into the fears and feelings of my past, I guess made my brain run for my teenage safe space. Not that the stress wasn't breaking in, making me afraid and impatient, making me feel less-than and, sweet mother of Darwin,  _why_ were my  _eyes_  so goddamn  _dry?_  When Teo knocked on the door I nearly jumped out of my skin.

"Hey," he said, trying to give a reassuring smile that didn't reach his dark-circled, exhausted eyes. "Sevvy wants to know if you can play with us. He's getting out his action figures."

"Sure, I—"

His phone vibrated, startling us both. He took it out and looked at it with a frown.

"A text… not a number I know," he mumbled, and then as he pressed the screen I saw his eyes widen, and his body tense with a sudden, indrawn breath. I immediately got next to him.

-Hello, Teo. - the message read. -We see you've been a good boy. No outside calls. Follow our instructions. That's how you keep your son safe. -

His jaw dropped and I clutched my dreads, making a sound I hadn't heard since I'd been cured, a high, almost whistling moan cut off by the clenching of my own throat. The phone buzzed again.

-This is what you will do: - flashed the text. -All three of you will come to the coordinates below. You will be there at 7:15 pm. No one else, no weapons. We will know.-

"Michael," he managed to call, hoarsely, not nearly loud enough. Then " _Michael,"_ this time louder. We heard the footsteps coming toward us and Michael appeared in the doorway.

"Wha—"

Teo pulled his husband toward us and gestured at the phone. Michael's expression became a scowl as he looked at it.

"They can't—" he started, but the phone shook again, startling all of us.

-Tell Cosima to bring the cure and all her notes.-

"'The cure?'" Teo mumbled, hands shaking. "Cos, what's—"

"The cure!" I exclaimed. "They must mean the cure for the clone disease. But why—"

Teo suddenly began typing back as quickly as he could.

\- Who are you why can't we leave our son at home - There was a pause, Michael opening his mouth to say something and me clutching Teo's arm.

" _Fuck,_ wait, " I told him. "My laptop. Maybe we can trace—"

The phone vibrated.

-You'll all come with Cosima. It's nothing personal, Teo. Your friend just owes us something, and you and your son will ensure that we get it.-

Teo's raised his head to look at me, eyes bulging.

"Cos, what the hell do—" Another buzz, making him start, nearly dropping the phone.

\- No more questions. 7:15. Don't make us wait. -

Teo's thumbs flew back to the keyboard, but Michael covered it with his hand.

"Don't. They said no more questions," he said, and Teo gave him a confused look of desperation. I realized I was frozen and forced myself to take a breath.

"Wait," I said, backing away. My shoulder bumped against the doorframe and I stumbled a little passing through. I kept going, backing up, my hands raised in front of me, until I was in the living room. I turned quickly and grabbed my laptop.

"Mommy?" came the sweetest little voice from below me, an innocent voice that made my heart stutter and ache. I felt a tug and looked down to see Severo tugging at my skirt, but before I could say anything, Teo zipped between us, picking up Sevvy and holding him tightly.

Michael was in the doorway, fists bunched. For a moment I was afraid of him, of both of them.

"What do we do?" Teo asked, expression strained from trying to keep his urgency in check so Sevvy wouldn't be scared. I clutched my laptop and and then opened it, thunking it down too forcefully on the coffee table. I fell to my knees in front of it and began typing.

"Sevvy, hold on sweetheart," I managed, trying to sound as normal as I could, "Why don't you take Daddy or Papa down to basement? You can get out the fortress for your figures and set it up. I know it's down there."

"Okay," my child answered, but his voice trembled.  _Shit he can feel how you feel,_  I reminded myself, then took a deep breath, closing my eyes and letting it out slowly, counting to ten. I willed my heart to stop pounding.

"C'mon, Papa," I heard him say, and Teo shuffled toward the door to the downstairs playroom, his neck twisting to keep me in sight. I could see him hesitate.

"Go," I urged, trying to keep my voice low. "We can't wait any longer. I'm contacting my sisters  _now._ " My hands flew over the keys, typing frantically, and I barely registered him nodding and opening the basement door. I shot one more look at him. He and Michael were staring at one another, communicating with their eyes. Teo gave a short nod and headed down the stairs.

 _Mika, come on, come on,_  a voice inside my head chanted.  _I need you now, and Sarah._

I knew the words I was writing were coming out jumbled, but the intention was clear:  _Answer me. I need your help more than ever before._


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, gang. I'm trying to get up regular updates on this story on Thursdays. I'm not sure why AO3 didn't post the update on the front page. My struggles with this site continue!
> 
> I can't believe OB is ending. It feels like the end of an era for me... how about you?
> 
> I hope you continue to enjoy this story despite that and the tense situation our girls have got themselves into. Writing has been rough due to some real life struggles of late, so I really appreciate every comment and kudo y'all send my way. Things are starting to look up in my neck of the woods, and I wish y'all a most excellent finale week. As for Cophine in this tale? We'll see how things look as time goes on... ;)

Sooner or later, during times of emergency, or... duress, you lose the ability to really feel.  Your senses and heart become so numbed from the pounding that you detach.  You alternately imagine you have no idea what’s happening, and then perceive you’re responding matter-of-factly, as each moment and development lope by you in slow motion.  It’s a sort of exhaustion that allows you to regain some logic in the face of utterly wanting what’s happening to you to  _ not _ be real.  You have to deal with things moment by moment because you have no choice, no ability to predict the future when the present has gone against all you’d predicted, no option to roll back time and change your course no matter how much you wish you could.  You just survive.  Physically, maybe even mentally at times you are present, but emotionally, spiritually, you’ve left orbit.  Maybe you think you’re experiencing things, maybe you even think you’re sad, angry, panicked, hurt, but you aren’t really, yet.  You’re too distant to feel the real weight of gravity, and sound doesn’t travel in the vacuum of space.  As very real and tender you may feel in disjointed moments, you are not here now.  You are... elsewhere, elsewhen.  Maybe even nowhere, no-time, if you’re gone enough.

 

So there are minutes you can’t remember.  Minutes that feel like eons because they’re so painful, and hours that feel like seconds because your mind has just erased them—blip!  Parts are just gone.

 

But they’re not really gone.  You’ll know that, later.  You’ll feel them, one way or another.  

 

So you have to remind yourself.  You have to… play reporter to your brain, adult to the child inside you who’s got their hands over their ears crying  _ la, la, la _ as loud as they can so they won’t hear you.  After all, you’re telling them the monsters under the bed are real.  Sometimes, that can be too much to handle.

 

This is why I kept repeating myself, talking as clearly and slowly as I could in my panicked state, when I next spoke with Mika.

 

“So the flight lands at 4:00 at the latest?” I asked her again, trying to make sure we both understood what was happening.

 

“Mm, the statistical probability of this flight landing on time is, historically, maybe fifty-seven percent.  Not good.  The average delay is forty-nine minutes, but that means it could be longer.  But I will be doing everything I can for the sky and land traffic.  I can access local authorities’ systems easily.”

 

“Right,” I breathed.  “I just… we still can’t know.  I mean... “  I sucked in a shaky breath, trying to convince myself that if something threw our already shaky plan off, between me, Teo and Michael, we’d keep everything from falling apart.  

 

“Teodoro is an actor, he’ll figure something out.  He is quick on his feet,” she said, basically echoing the reassurance I’d given us both earlier in the conversation.  Mika had become less brittle, but she still wasn’t the best at handling emotional dialogue.  We were going in circles.

 

“Yeah,” I think I answered.  My eyes kept being drawn to the edge of the curtain over the window.  It fluttered slightly, again and again, betraying a hint of wind that was breaking the seal of insulation.  Fluttered, just like my stomach, my pulse in my throat; trembled, like my hands if I paid them too much attention.  I forced myself to blink and look at the wall, the solid, wood table.

 

“We have won before,” she piped up, over my awkward pause.  “We will do it again—wait.” There was millisecond of silence, then the ambient sound of her end of the call.  “Hold on, Cosima.”

 

Her line went silent again, and I guessed she was on another line with someone else.  _  Maybe it’s Sarah _ , I thought, wishing for reassurance.   _ Maybe— _

 

“Cosima,” Mika’s voice broke through again, “I have contact with Delphine.  She’s trying to reach you.”

 

Everything went still for a moment.  I swallowed, trying to wet my suddenly dry tongue, to speak.

 

“It’s, it’s  _ her? _ ” I babbled, I don’t know why.  As if Mika could analyze her voice digitally and confirm it.  She actually probably could, come to think of it, but would she have to _ — _

 

“Yes, I’ve traced her call back.  She’s on her mobile, the number you have for her.  GPS shows she’s in transit, to the northeast.  Shall I put her through?”

 

I was stunned for a moment, hearing only the seemingly harsh intake and outtake of my breath.  

 

“Uh,” I mumbled, my eyes turning upward to roam around the room, as if I expected Teo or Michael to materialize right then and there and give me advice.  “I… how does she sound?”

 

“She sounds upset. She’s leaving messages on your voicemail, wanting to know what’s happening and if you’re alright,” Mika answered.

 

“OK, but,” I felt a headache suddenly clutch at my temples, and squeezed my hands into fists for a moment.  “Does she sound… honest?”

 

There was a pause at the other end of the line.

 

“I cannot be sure.  But… I think so.  She sounds… worried, to me.  I’ve gotten into her records.  So far only two other calls I’m finding within the last few hours, and one was to her voicemail service.  The other… looks to be a line at Yale University, Natural Sciences department.  That’s all I know.  But she is calling every few minutes.”

 

I took in another breath and felt my lower lip tremble again.  There was nothing more I wanted than to talk to her, to hear her voice soothing me, speaking words of love and reassurance.  And yet…

 

“I don’t know if I should,” I choked out to Mika.  There was a pause, I don’t know how long.

 

“I don’t know,” Mika finally said.  “She sounds authentic, but this your… girlfriend.  I can play back her messages to you, if you want.”

 

_ “God,” _ I clutched my forehead in my hand, “Sarah would kill me if she knew I was even  _ thinking  _ about it.”

 

“I can try to connect with Sarah, but I don’t know if that will help you.”  Mika’s voice was getting that little whine, that higher pitch indicating she was becoming emotionally overloaded.  A few years ago and she might just have disconnected with everyone for a while, to clear her head.  I knew what I was asking her was impossible for her to know, but I didn’t trust myself, and I didn’t know what to believe.

 

“Whether you believe her or not, we might be able to get more information if you speak with her,” Mika added, focusing my thoughts.  “But… I don’t want you to get hurt, Cosima.  I can keep her from you, maybe get her car stopped if you want… but I can’t stop her from hurting your heart.”

 

It was true, just as simply as Mika in her shy, less-than-fluent-in-english way put it.  No one could stop Delphine from hurting me, from the circumstances hurting me.  I was hurting and confused, already.  

 

But I still had to think about my son.  And anything I could glean, any information, might be useful in helping him.

 

If I could be shrewd.  If I could be strong.

 

“Can _ — _ ” I stopped my sentence so quickly my throat clicked.  I was about to ask Mika if she could talk with Delphine, try to tease her intent out of her, but that was something Mika couldn’t do.  The murder of her best friend and our clone sisters in Helsinki had damaged her scales of trust forever.  And time was running out.

 

_ “Get a hold of yourself, kid,”  _ I could hear Margot’s voice in my head saying, like she did when I first took her as a mentor.   _ “You’re powerful inside.  Never doubt that inside, you know things.  You know what you need to do.  Tap into what the universe is trying to tell you.  Ask for guidance, and just breathe through it.” _

 

“Just breathe through it,” I mumbled to myself.

 

“What?”  Mika asked.  “Cosima, she’s trying to ring the line again.”

 

I cleared my throat, and sent out a silent plea for strength and wisdom beyond myself.

 

“Put her through,” I said.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew - just making it under the wire for the Thursday update! Thank you for your comments - it really helps me keep going, even more so now that the show is over. :'(

The sound of her voice.

 

I knew it intimately.  I had heard it in a whisper, in a cry.  I had heard it harsh in anger, broken in sobs, tripping in laughter like water over stones in a brook.

 

I had heard it in my dreams.  Heard it so many times when I thought I actually would never hear it, or see her in person, again.

 

Hearing it this time, I remembered all that in a second.  My heart pounded and lurched painfully.  I struggled for air.  I wanted to listen objectively, without the burden of knowledge, all the feelings I had carried over the years, sometimes like a great, heavy sledge pulled behind me, plowing tracks in the mud, sometimes like nothing more than the flicker of something small barely seen in the corner of your eye, a dust-mote, or trick of light.

 

I wanted to separate that moment from all others, so I could really hear, really feel, objectively, what she was saying, who she was.  Like I had slipped on my old lab coat and was looking at a simple readout of test results.  This level was good, but this one was a little off.  Better pay attention to that when I consider a possible diagnosis, the causes and effects.

 

I could separate myself.  I could do this.  I could be strong and do what I needed to do because, after all, this was about a life.  Not just mine, not just mine with hers, but my son’s.  I had to be strong and smart and careful, for him.

 

I heard each word she said clearly, almost too much so.  The strain of her stress and the click of the consonants, even softened by her slight accent, were almost too loud, too real and definite, abrading my ears.  Part of me wanted to be in the present so I could fully analyze what she was saying and respond as I needed to with a clear head.  Part of me wanted to deny the present because it had become filled with fear and doubt.

 

_ I’m afraid of what could happen.  How much am I afraid because of what’s happening now, and how much am I afraid because of the future I predict, molded by the fear in my past? _

 

“Oh, my God, Cosima.  Are you alright?  I got your message, what’s happening?”

 

So much emotion in that beautiful voice.  Was it real?  Or was it, instead, a con, something Sarah recognized because she’d done it before herself?  I made a series of noises, some of them words. As much as I tried to pay attention, to consciously form them with my lips, tongue and teeth, it felt awkward and nonsensical, like reading a language phonetically that you don’t understand.

 

“Hold on, I’m pulling over,” she responded to whatever I’d said.  There was a pause, and I heard the sounds of her car’s engine, the clicks and rustles as she put on her turn signal and turned the wheel.  Maybe there was the rubbing of the seat leather against her jacket.  There was definitely the whoosh of air and cars passing by her, robbed of all bass notes by the small speaker of the telephone.

 

“Cosima.  Cosima?  What’s happening?”

 

“Huh…” I began.  I swallowed around what felt like a fist in my throat.  “...Where were you?”

 

“What?”  Her tone was sharp, frantic.  I realized the words had creaked out of my mouth like the hinges of a rusty, long-closed gate.

 

“Where were you?”  I asked again.  This time louder, but flat, so flat.  Where had all my inflection gone?

 

“I was at the retreat, the conference,” she said.  “I’m sorry I couldn’t reach you.  There was this storm, it was crazy.  It knocked out the electricity and because we were in the mountains I couldn’t get a phone signal and then my phone battery went dead.  It was so weird and frustrating, but I… please, Cosima, I’m sorry, just tell me what’s wrong.  I’m here for you, just tell me what’s going on?”

 

_ I was at the retreat… _

 

I remembered the flash of lightning and the crash of thunder, almost simultaneous.  The storm that came to mind was only one of many that rolled across the bay over the years, not even as rough as the one that made my first trip to the resort so dramatic, but somehow, it had felt different.  It was like I’d heard a whisper, something about that coming boat, and who would be on it.  It was a tiny pause that pulled me out of what I’d been doing and thinking, but it reverberated.

 

“I…” I was saying, I said now.  “You… you’re saying you had no electricity?”  My tongue felt clumsy and thick. “You couldn’t… there was no way you could get to a phone, a signal?  Didn’t you have your car?”

 

I remembered her in the car, on the way here.  Singing to the music.  She was nervous, I could tell, but she was happy and gamely went along with my joking and half-forgotten directions.  Every moment was pregnant with the knowledge that something important was happening.  She was meeting  _ him _ , my guy, Sevvy, my  _ family. _  It should have been scarier, shouldn’t it?  But the sunshine was so warm and golden in her hair and her smile was so wide, her shoulders rocking in that way she did to the beat, everything familiar and so singularly  _ her _ , that it was all comfortable.  Nothing could seem too edgy or fraught because there she was, where she was supposed to be, back in my life, and everything was better than before…

 

“... but it took them a day and a half to fill the gully where it had washed out.  It, it was like, I had no idea it would be like we were so far out in the  _ country, _ and maybe I should have, I don’t know, insisted on getting a ride with the workman, but, I wouldn’t have been able to get back because… Cosima, I didn’t know something was going on.  I feel so stupid, but, but I couldn’t know.  Please, please tell me what’s going on.  What’s happening with Sevvy?  Is everyone alright?”

 

_ No, _ I wanted to say, _ everyone is not alright. _ **_I’m_ ** _ not alright. _

 

”Delphine… Delphine, I…”

 

_ “Delphine, relax.  It’s good to see you.”   _ The first words I had said to her at the retreat, after showing her the birds, maybe showing off a little.  After wanting to connect with her but not knowing what to say.  How could I explain that the first time I’d seen her there, my glance landing on her in my yoga class, I had felt almost pushed into another world, another dimension… And yet, and yet, somehow in that room, in that place full of quiet smiles and people looking to find themselves, in the shafts of early sunlight turning everything to butterscotch and marigolds—or so it seemed to me once I took in her curls, warm against her fair skin, the golden amberglow of her ever-changing irises, and the look on her face, open-mouthed, startled doe eyes honed in on mine— it felt right, pre-ordained, calmly inevitable.  How could she possibly be there in that moment, in front of me?  How could she not?  When I’d felt the loose-sprung unwinding of my peripatetic days, something tugging at my root, core and heart, something saying,  _ wouldn’t it be nice to lie down, to sit down in a soft place, warm with the ones you love, and finally, fully be you?   _ Hadn’t it been like the chime I rang before our meditation?  Hadn’t it resonated, brash like a gong, waning into a lower hum of auric energy like that I’d felt when I had been attuned to Reiki, when I had let myself  _ be  _ instead of searching?

 

“Cosima?  Who are you talking to?”  Michael’s voice broke into my thoughts, and I startled.  I had gone elsewhere, backwards in time, to try to make sense of what was happening, to decide what to do.  I had been leaning forward, lips nearly touching the phone.  Any further and I would have tipped, poured out my heart and everything I’d been thinking.

 

“It’s, it’s, uh, Delphine,” I answered, and realized I was contracted into myself, looking over my shoulder at him as though I’d been caught doing something wrong.  Was I doing something wrong?  The lowering and creasing of his brows said I might have been.

 

“Do you… are you really supposed to be talking to her?” he asked lowly, trying not to be overheard through the cell phone.  “Does she have information?”

 

“I…”

 

“Cosima?  Are you there?” Delphine entreated from the ear speaker.  “Can you talk to me, please?”

 

_ “Can you just talk to me?”   _ That’s what I’d asked her when she came back from Frankfurt.  It was the first time I saw her since, and she was there but not there, businesslike, trying to avoid my questions, my love.  She was trying to do what was right, wasn’t she?  She was trying to keep her promise, the one she made to love both me and all of my sisters.  But did she have to devastate me like that?  I could feel the pain reemerging as I remembered, even though I’d thought… I  _ knew _ I’d forgiven her, come to understand.

 

“Cosima, what is it?” Michael asked, reaching out, his hand touching my shoulder.  The sensation pulled me back to the present as surely as a tug on my arm could pull me back from wandering into a busy street, a dangerous tide, the path of a train barreling down its tracks into Huxley Station.  “It’s time, Cos.  We have to get ready and go if we’re going to make it on time.”

 

_ Kinda always late, so kinda always sorry… how sorry can I be? _

 

“Uh, yeah.   _ Yeah, _ ” I sputtered, re-emerging. I took a breath and closed my eyes.  “Delphine…” I choked, then cleared my throat.  Still, my voice was weak as it warbled into the phone.  “I can’t.  I just can’t do this, now…”

 

_ “What?” _ The word came out sharply, steeped in worry.  But my arm was already dropping the phone away from my ear.  “Cosima?” the device bleated from my hand, sounding more like the tinny, harsh recording in an old doll’s chest than my lover’s call.  “Cosim—”

 

_ “I’m sorry,” _ I whispered into the air, as my thumb pressed the END button.  Michael’s hand shifted on my shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

 

“What’s going on?  Does she know something?”  He asked, and I shook my head almost absently.

 

“I don’t know.  But we have to get there,” I said.  _  Please let them get here on time, _ my inner voice prayed. _  Please let this work out, I can’t live if… _

 

“Okay?” Michael said, and this time I nodded and stepped toward the door.

 

“Okay,” I said.  And  _ who needs to forgive whom?  _ I thought, as we headed toward what came next.   _ Forgiveness doesn’t matter if it costs me him,  _ resounded in me as I saw Severo’s face peeking at me, alarmed, from behind his papa’s leg.  I ran forward and scooped him up, clutching him to me as I quick-stepped toward the door. Michael jerked it open for us and Teo followed, pulling on his jacket. 

 

“I’m going to protect you,” I murmured into my son’s neck, holding him to me as I slid into the back seat of the car.  I didn’t put him into his safety seat.  Our hope was in elsewhere now.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a little late. Life has been hectic, and Cosima wouldn't stop jabbering.
> 
> Just FYI, I doubt there will be an update next week, as I'll be away for a few days at the beach. If I get rained in, however, I'll give it a shot.
> 
> Thanks for reading, friends!

 

* * *

Maybe I fought it, resisted, denied it. Maybe I was afraid of losing who I'd become and what I'd learned of myself. Maybe I was scared that seeing her, being with her, loving her was a false idol, a distraction, rather than the culmination of the right person finally arriving at the right time. But I couldn't fight it for long. The truth was I had known it almost from the moment we met, when our hands touched in a greeting, when our eyes connected and widened in response. This was her. This was the one. My person. The other half of my spirit. Everything else was just static in the signal, temporary uncertainties, insomuch as ten years could be a blink in comparison to the span of a spirit. It had felt long, the time without her, the time in-between. But once she was there again, it faded, seeming short and insubstantial as a half-remembered dream when you finally, fully wake up.

Well, I couldn't let it be that easy. I was human. I was me.

There was part of me that kept insisting I be  _rational,_ that the past was the past despite the way my heart rushed to beat in time with hers again. I did have an excuse, besides fear for myself, surprise, and skepticism. I had fear for my sisters, for my family, and especially for the little one who was a gift I'd thought I was giving to my friends, and turned out to also be a gift to myself. I had people to protect. That part of me that doubted Delphine, or at least the advisability of engaging her  _right in the middle of all this_  did have some convincing points, not to mention it was the path of least resistance.

But I wasn't done recalling all that had transpired between us. I remembered that night. That night I read her letter. The one I reread so many times. The letter that apologized for pushing me, but not for loving me. The swirls of ink from an obviously trembling hand that turned into her voice in my mind as I read it and said, I am here, I love you, I believe this love is real.

_I want to push for what feels so right, so real and essential between us,_ she wrote,  _because I still love you and crave you. But I also want to release you, to give you the time and space to make your own decisions and feel your own feelings without pressure from me. It's a difficult place to be in, and I know that just puts my tension on you. Cosima, I don't even know if you're with someone or you're free! I don't know how much you have changed your outlook or how different the life you lead is and what you want today, in the now. So, I can tell you this. I will release you. I will stop bothering you, following you, trying to be close. I will try to schedule an earlier departure, not because I want to run away from you, but because you have the right to live your life without my interference, my feelings for you and the longing I find it so hard to repress. In return, I ask for nothing, because there's nothing I think you should or must give. I will just make sure that Margot has all my contact information. That way, I force nothing on you, but if someday you want to contact me, to yell at me or discuss this or reconnect, you can reach out to me, and I will be available to you for whatever you want. I make you that promise, as surely and seriously as I made that promise to love all of you, you and your sisters. All you have to do is send me word, Cosima, in whatever spirit or emotion you wish, and I will come running, I will drop everything for you. Because I have changed, Cosima, and I know you have, but the love I feel for you, even all this time later, never can._

That night at the retreat, with the wind and the rain and the thunder being the least of the reasons I tossed and roiled in my bed, unable to sleep, she released me, let me go, let me be me. She loved me, and she left it up to me. There would be no more doing what she thought was best for me despite myself. She would love me, but she would let me be who I was, the combination of the person who I was when I was born, who I grew to be via nurture, and who I cultivated once I absorbed the mind-blowing circumstances that made me one sister of many. She acknowledged that I was free, even as she explained why we would always be connected. And, in doing that… she helped me believe that a love chosen against fear could be the most freeing thing of all. She made me remember: we never  _had_ to do anything to prove we belonged to and with each other. We just needed to let ourselves know it. In a world of people trying to get by with lies, our connection was never a lie. A lie would be impossible, because we could feel it. We could feel the truth. The truth was our love.

In the time we'd been apart, I had learned to practice mindfulness, to observe the present moment and pay attention to my thoughts and emotions as they happened. That night, I felt something new. I saw how my present moments had stretched out behind me into my past, and it was if I could clearly see all the moments that I let slip by, that I held back from taking a chance with her, could stretch into a future where I'd never really been mindful at all.

I ran to her. I remember seeing her sitting bolt upright in her bed, her cream-soft skin illuminated in the blue-white flash of lightning, the beauty of her startled eyes and stiffened curves glowing as she gasped in surprise. The haze of the mosquito net around her, separating us, seemed like an affront, and the few feet of distance between us telescoped into ten years of longing and feeling something, somehow, was so  _wrong._

I ran to her and pressed into her and I couldn't get close enough.  _We_ couldn't get close enough as we made love, as I desperately entered her as if I could crawl under her skin and fuse our hearts together. And she opened to me like one of the rainforest flowers, pale in the faint light but gaudy in her desire. Her desire for  _me_ , for  _us_ , her acceptance and forgiveness and joy at being forgiven, all pulsed like heat from within her and joined my own, surrounding us in that energy that science has yet to prove but you know if you have felt it. It's not just the firing of nerves or the one missing soulmate, returned; two soulmates rejoined. It's fitting into and resonating with everything at its purest. We both broke and reformed stronger, kissing each other's tears away and holding each other as if holy.

"I love you," I said, and it broke my walls completely. "I still love you, goddamn it. Don't ever pull away from me again."

She took my face in her soft, tender hands and kissed me, swearing "Je t'aime… never again, mon amour… never again."

Time can bend when shit hits the fan. You can stop feeling while under stress, or you can feel some things hugely, while others somehow shrink and dull. The miles had been ticking by as we rode in the car through the fields and small towns near Woodstock, and although, off an on, I followed the turns on the GPS as Michael made them while I clutched Teo's hand with one of mine and my son in my lap with the other, at times I closed my eyes and felt the rush of all these thoughts and feelings go through me. I could smell the sweetness of my little boy and his bubblegum bath wash behind the warmth of his ear, but as much as I clung to him, I found my heart also reached out to another. To her.

Another night came back to me, then. The night before the last we spent at the silent retreat. We'd had dinner with my friend Javi and then I'd taken her to see a sea turtle depositing her clutch. I had thought we were having a great time, but suddenly she whirled away from me, fast-stepping through the sand in a stumbling race-walk, holding sobs in with her hand. I had to push to catch up to her, but when I did, she wasn't just sad or upset. She was  _angry_ , and rightfully so.

She had found out that Shay, the very woman I'd run away with when I ran away from her, and I were still friends. That Shay had been there through my cure, and Sevvy's birth. When I had tried to tell Delphine I was sorry before, I had meant to express how I knew I could have given her another chance, how I could have listened better. I knew that I had let myself become overwhelmed by emotions when the last weeks of the DYAD debacle went down, and that I'd felt the only way I thought I could handle them and keep on with my purpose to find and deliver the cure was to run away. I had thought I needed to disappear completely, not just for my safety, but to make everything that was tearing me apart, wearing me down, disappear from my mind. If they couldn't see me, I couldn't see them, seemed to be my logic, as if I was a baby playing peekaboo. And for a while, it seemed to have worked. But in seeing Delphine again, falling for her all over again, falling back in love, I realized what a child I had truly been.

Children before a certain age don't understand object permanence. I had seen it in Sevvy at a few months old. If I moved a favourite toy of his out of his field of vision, it was as it if didn't exist. It wasn't until later that he understood that things could be moved and even hidden, yet remain whole without his attention.

Of course, life is more complicated than toys for children. When I was learning meditation I found out that the continuance of what we can't see or touch was a part of pretty much every major religion out there, yet while it was always deemed important and beneficial, it served different purposes. Samsara, the wheel of life life, describes the theory of life as ever changing, yet cyclical. In Hinduism, this means people are born and die and are born again, inhabiting different places, times and bodies, yet each one has an eternal soul that remains itself throughout the incarnations. Meditation can be used to connect with that inner, timeless soul, and, in knowing it, one can know freedom. In Buddhism, however, everything is changing. There is no continuous self, and coming to fully know that is the only way to end the suffering of life after life. Different Buddhist texts deal with this in different ways, but it is holding on to anything as if it were permanent that causes the pain of loss when it is inevitably taken away.

So in running from DYAD I had hoped to make the pain of my attachment to Delphine go away, and, to do that, I had tried to put not just by body, but my thoughts of her away. Maybe I'd moved beyond peekaboo, but in this she was like Schrödinger's cat. She existed in my mind both as real and vital, someone I might find myself wondering about where she was and what had happened to her if I let my guard down, and as a piece of the past, something I tried to detach from, like a truncated sentence that inevitably stretched into an ellipsis. The wheel of my life turned on and everything was changing, but her unknown state of being didn't delete that she had made a mark on me. I'd find questions lurking in the corners of my mind though I tried to avoid them: Was holding on to the memory of her an unnecessary cause of suffering, or did I have to confront and come to terms with what I felt for her to be whole and wise?

I'd like to think I would have tried to resolve things with her eventually. I had more often wondered about her as time passed, and wondered about my own perceptions of her and if they did her justice. Maybe my inability to connect with anyone else in quite the same way was my fault, because I'd become too attached to how much I loved her in the beginning. I had definitely built up some defenses against getting hurt again that didn't let my other lovers fully in, even as I tried to justify my caution as necessary to continuing to live my own life and help my sisters. But maybe, despite having met and been in relationships with wonderful people, I couldn't feel the same way about them that I did about her simply because she was the one, the only one I possibly could love in just that way. I had thought about trying to find her, to finally leave the past in the past by facing her in the present, truthful but detached, accepting that she had gone on without me and lived her own truth. I'd like to say that the only thing stopping me was concern that Sevvy would be safe. But, even as I crept slowly towards deciding on some action, I didn't quite get there. Until fate, or chance, or  _karma_ had thrown us back together again, there in that place that was all about healing, and growth, and peace.

And so that night on the beach, with the miracle of birth of an endangered species happening feet away from us, I saw her anger and I knew she was right. I knew I had been waiting for it, wondering if and when it would finally come out in her, and that until she felt that anger, along with the hurting and joy and absolution, she couldn't understand how truly sorry I was.

So I told her. I told her how I knew how much I had fucked up and how stupid I was, and that I had blocked myself from thinking about her and how I had felt for her because I thought that was the only way to go on. I told her about that night after she'd left for Frankfurt, how I had been so close to slipping away, but that the vision of her, the pure and inexplicable and beautiful light of her love had pulled me back, gasping, into the world. I told her how, despite that, I had still been afraid, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of getting rejected, still sore and shaking from her breaking up with me, even if she had done it to try to save us all. I acknowledged that I had listened to that fear, and I had left, and I hadn't given her a chance. I just hoped she would give me the chance I had denied her, because I wanted us to be together.

And, like an angel, she forgave me, and our love was whole, again. That's who she was. That's how things were between us.

_Shit,_ I thought, my attention shifting back to being in the car, on this very strange trip,  _am I being an idiot, again?_ And I must have given Sevvy a squeeze as I inhaled by his ear, because he leaned back with his little hands on my chest and said

"Mommy?" so quiet.

And I wiped a tear from my eye with one hand and I looked at him, his face so dear and his expression so solemn and open, and

"What, Cookiehead?" I asked him.

"Don't be afraid. It's going to be alright," he said.

For a moment, I wondered at him, my little boy, suddenly comforting me, taking on the gravitas of a man, and I wondered if it was fair to him to be the one to reassure his mother. But then I saw something, some depth in his eyes that reminded me of someone, another special child who had sometimes known things a child shouldn't know. He reminded me of his cousin.

I let out a little gasp, part cry, and maybe part an astounded laugh.

"Okay, baby," I told him,"okay, I believe you," and reached for my phone.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Author's note: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

The road we traveled could barely be called one. Packed earth with some gravel that  _ tick _ ed against the undercarriage of the car until it ran out, leaving us rocking through dips and furrows of dirt and mud with patches of tall grass that  _ whisk _ ed under the bumper and wheels and was punctuated by the occasional rap of a small tree branch hitting the roof. Michael was used to navigating country trails in his old truck, but this was something different, his hands white-knuckled as he kept us to a steady but slow pace that felt both like it would take us too long and would never keep us far enough from our destination.  He was protecting his precious cargo, but it couldn't feel like enough, considering our situation. 

 

After who-knows-how-long the terrain began to slant upward into a hill, the tires slipping slightly until Michael switched into a low gear.  There was a hint of grey light ahead,  indicating that we might be coming to a gap in the tunnel of trees, and as we crested the top if the incline we burst through a heavy-dipped bough sodden with previous rain, droplets and wet, detached leaves spattering across the windshield with a patter. 

 

I caught my breath. There was a clearing before us, populated by a low, crumbling building with rusty metal doors, a retired power sub-station, it looked like, and this was confirmed by a single deteriorating power-line pole beside it, tilting drunkenly and missing cables, although a few insulators remained perched on its crossbeam. 

 

And beside them, a black SUV. 

 

We rolled to a stop, regarding the vehicle with dread and caution. The glare of white light leaking through the high, dove-grey, backlit clouds above reflected on the SUV’s windshield glass, obscuring our view into the front seat, and it seemed empty, quiet.   Then there was a startling knock on the window beside me that thrust my heart into my throat, just catching a glimpse of the man in the black suit and raincoat who must have emerged from out of the tree cover, slipping along the side of our car and peering in at us before stopping at the front, driver's-side corner and tucking his hand into his coat front, the tiniest sliver of a shoulder holster revealed by the motion. 

 

“Get out,” he said. “Slowly. “

 

Teo glanced back at me, eyes wide. None of us said anything. Michael and Teo opened their doors and stepped out, Teo’s hands instinctively rising up, palms forward, beside his ears. 

 

“Hands on your head, slowly, “ the armed man said, nodding at Michael. I couldn't see Michael's face, but there was a tiny pause and tightening of his shoulders before he complied. 

 

“Now you and the boy, Ms. Niehaus,” the man said, looking through the window at me. My legs felt frozen, and my arms convulsed briefly around my son.  I didn't move, and Sevvy leaned back to look at me again. 

 

“Mommy, “ he whispered, and he looked so brave I couldn't help but focus on him. 

 

“Okay.  I love you,” I told him quietly. 

 

“I love you, too,” he said, and I opened the door slowly, easing him down so he was behind me, holding my hand, as I stood in the protection of the metal door.  The man’s eyes might have squinted, just barely, for a moment. Then:

 

“All the way,” he instructed me. “Close the door behind you.”

 

I hitched in a breath and did it, carefully keeping Sevvy behind my legs as I did. 

 

“You can’t blame her, “ a voice said, and my blood ran cold to hear it.  The rear window of the black SUV was just a little bit open, and the voice floated through it.  There was a click and the door latch disengaged. 

 

“It's the instinct of a mother, and it's as it should be,” that unbelievable, dreaded voice continued.  “Mothers should always put their children first.”

 

I felt light-headed as the rear door to the SUV swung fully open.  Someone stepped out, but it wasn't who I expected. 

 

The voice was so familiar, it seemed unmistakable. I knew it almost as well as I knew my own voice, because the vocal cords that shaped it were identical to mine. Nevertheless, there was a flatness to it.  An affect of calm laid over possibly limitless violence beneath, all with the distinct, crisp diction of received English. 

 

It was the voice of Rachel Duncan. 

 

But it wasn't Rachel Duncan before me. 

 

The clone who stepped out of the SUV looked too young to be Rachel.  At first I thought,  _ holy shit, is that Rachel, but she’s found some Neolution youth serum or moisturizer or something?   _ But then I realized it couldn’t even be that.  This clone looked like maybe I did in college or a little older… but you could chalk up a bit of how old she looked to the way she was dressed.  Her suit was perfect, crisp and tailored.  She wore all black, which I thought maybe was a bit more than what Rachel would have done, and her makeup was definitely more prominent than Rachel used to wear.  And her hair… it was in a sort of bob like Rachel’s, but more undercut, and it was not blonde, but a shade of red I never thought would have worked with our skin, except she was pale, paler than I’ve been, since I was really sick, anyway.

 

All this time I was looking at her, she was looking at me, and she had that same predatory, almost reptile-flat stare Rachel had.  My mind turned over and over, taking her in, wondering how in all my searching I could have missed out on another clone.  I thought my quest had been exhaustive, and I’d had Mika’s help, among others, to seek other Ledas out.  But here was someone before me I knew I hadn’t met before.  Could it… could she?  I felt like I almost had it, like I was mentally grasping in the dark but there was suddenly a faint light.  And then…

 

“Hello, Cosima,” she said, and her lips pressed together in a line, like she was trying to smirk but something bitter in her tainted it further.  And I saw how youthful she suddenly looked, because her face was so soft, and her eyes looked vulnerable, yet defiant.  And I wondered…

 

“Are you… Charlotte?” I asked, almost swallowing the name as I squinted at her.

 

“Very good,” she answered.  “I suppose at least now your remember I exist.”

 

The other man in black had exited the driver’s seat of the vehicle, and now he rounded the fender and stood by her.  He was clean-cut in that too bland, unsettling, almost Secret-Service-y way the other guy was, except he was more muscular, his neck barely breaking from the slopes of his shoulders.  He leaned over to her and said something too lowly for me to hear, and she shook her head once.  He straightened up and looked at us, seeming to size us up, paying close attention so he could take out his weapon the second any of us moved. 

 

Teo twisted around to look at me, his hands still up, his eyes wide, confounded.  I could tell he wanted to ask me who she was, what was going on, but we couldn’t exactly have that conversation right then.

 

“Let me see the boy,” she suddenly commanded, and I focussed back on her.  

 

“He’s right here,” I said, my hand tightening on his and keeping him behind me.  “Charlotte, what… what’s going on?  What do you want with him, with us?”

 

Her mouth tightened and her eyes went cold.  This was the kind of shark-like look I remembered from Rachel, and I knew the next step with her had been rage, the kind that gets the bone marrow that could save us clones including her, herself, stomped beneath a business-appropriate heel. But Charlotte wasn’t wearing pumps.  She was wearing heeled boots that went slightly above her knee, over tights.  It made me wonder…

 

“Robert,” she said, tersely, and the man closer to us, the one who had given Sevvy the note at the playground, reached into his coat and pulled out his gun.  He moved economically, like someone who was used to turning a firearm on anyone he was ordered to, even a family with a small kid.  I saw Michael’s shoulders tense and Teo let out a gasp, but Robert seemed calm, almost lazy as his arm settled into position, the muzzle aimed to hit Michael, and possibly me, if it went through him.

 

“Alright!   _ Shit, alright!”  _  I found coming out of my mouth.  I felt lightheaded, unable to catch my breath, almost like I had when my disease was at its worst.  I had raised my left hand in a stop gesture, but I slipped my right from Sevvy’s little hand and down his wrist, squeezing his forearm gently.  Before I could say or do anything, he crept around my leg, still leaning against me, eyes wide but moving under his own initiative, becoming visible.  I looked down at him in surprise and he darted a look up at me.  He was so brave… and I could swear he was telling me to be brave, too, with his eyes.

 

Charlotte came forward, looking at each of us in turn, until she was close to Robert.  The gunman twitched his head to his right, looking at Michael.

 

“Step to the side, so she can see him,” he ordered, again more matter-of-fact than rough.

 

I could see Michael’s shoulders heaving with his breath, and for a cold, tense moment I didn’t know what he might do.  He turned his head to look at Teo, then stepped sideways away from the car, as Robert had directed, angling his head further to see me and Severo.  When he turned his head back to look forward, I could tell he met Robert’s eyes, because Robert stared at him for a moment.  Charlotte turned her gaze downward to take in my son, and smiled.

 

I hadn’t expected her to smile.  I don’t know what I expected, if anything, but it wasn’t that.  It wasn’t the slight tremble of her lips as they stretched, both happy and sad, as if overwhelmed.  It was a smile I was familiar with, even down to how oddly broken it looked it some way, as my own had, in the mirror, after Delphine had split with me, when I went on the run.

 

Charlotte bent down, her hands on her knees, closer to his eye level.

 

“Hello,” she said to him.  “You’re a very special little boy, did you know that?  Not everyone knows how special you are, but I do.”

 

Sevvy shifted his arm so he was holding my hand again. He looked up at me, and though he was pale, again I felt like he was reassuring me.  I took a breath and gave his hand a squeeze, then levelled my gaze back at Charlotte.

 

“We all know he’s special.  He’s our son.  What do you want?”

 

Charlotte straightened up, her annoyed affect returning.

 

“The cure,” she said.  “You brought it?  Place it on the hood of the car.”

 

“I can’t,” I told her, “I don’t have it,” and instantly I saw her anger flare.  “I don’t, like,  _ carry it with me everywhere, _ ” I explained quickly,  “I haven’t needed to, for years.  I’ve got samples in storage, but they’re not here.  I do have the formula and the instructions, though, and I can tell you where to get the reserves.”

 

There was a brief silence.

 

“If you had let us  _ talk _ to you she could have  _ told  _ you that,” Teo suddenly blurted.  “We couldn’t even get them because you had us under some kind of… of house arrest!”  He took a step forward, and Charlotte looked at him, but Robert kept his gun steadily aimed at us, and the other man stepped forward and pulled out his own gun, levelling it at Teo.  For a minute I thought I was going to lose it, lose my shit, fall on top of Sevvy or yell or lose control of my bladder or something, but Teo jerked his hands higher in the air and stepped back, shutting his mouth.

 

Charlotte sighed.

 

“Well,” she finally said, “that’s disappointing.  But I’m sure you’re right.  I’m sure we can get the reserves.  Especially since Severo will come with us.”

 

_ “What?” _ Michael barked, and I found myself encircling my son with my arm and clutching him close again.  Charlotte narrowed her eyes.

 

“Severo is coming with us.  While we have him, I’m sure you will cooperate in any way you can to ensure we get what we need.”

 

Michael sputtered, but I interrupted before he could lose his cool completely.

 

“Charlotte, none of this is necessary!    I didn’t know you needed it… I didn’t even know you were  _ alive! _    If I had, I would gladly have given it to you just like I did to the rest of our sisters I found.”

 

“Really?” she shot back, and it wasn’t a question.  “I find that hard to believe after you let my mother  _ die _ out of your petty resentment.”

 

I was gobsmacked.

 

“What?” I managed.  “I didn’t kill your mother.  I never even knew Marion Bowles!”

 

“Marion Bowles was  _ not _ my mother,” she stated coldly, between clenched teeth, and I was floundering, increasingly more weirded out and confused than ever before.

 

“What do you mean? She...she raised you until…”

 

“She never told me the truth.  She never told me I would die, and she kept me from my real mother.  I was made from Rachel.  She saved me when DYAD was collapsing thanks to you and your sisters, and brought me to the one person who could stop the disease in me and fix my leg.”

 

I must have been gaping like a fish.  A small, cruel smile flitted across her too-young face, as if my confusion was something I deserved, or evidence of something wrong with me.

 

“Susan Duncan,” she said simply. “She was able to slow the progress. But, with Neolution in disorder, thanks to you and your  _ sisters _ ,” she continued, hissing the word like a curse, “she could only do so much.” She tilted her head slightly, reading my expression.

 

“Do you really expect me to believe you’re that clueless?” she asked, after a moment.  She walked closer, a curious yet disgusted look on her face, like she’d discovered an unusual bug. “I have to say, your acting skills are far better than I expected.  If I didn’t know you were smart enough to develop a cure I’d think you were an imbecile.”  It was uncanny 

. how smoothly her vitriol emerged, almost as if she really were Rachel.

 

“I may be dumb about some things,” I finally managed, stuffing down the old ire that used to flare when I felt mistreated, “but the truth is I really don’t know what you’re doing here.  I looked for you, and for Rachel, to give you the cure.  I had people looking for electronic traces of you.  I was  _ worried _ about you. But I never found you.  I thought you must be dead.  How was I supposed to know you were hiding out with Susan Duncan somewhere?”

 

Her hand connected with my cheek almost before I saw it coming. The pain was brief but the shock brought me inside myself, wondering if it had really happened, as if there was some other reason my head had snapped sideways and I was now looking at the trees just past my shoulder.

 

_ “Liar,”  _ she accused, and I turned back to see her eyes rounded in outrage.  Severo shifted from beside me and partly behind my leg again, clinging to my thigh.  Charlotte took a breath, and I heard it: that distinctive rattle that I remembered from all those years ago, that sound that signalled trouble, fluid and tissue clogging my lungs and threatening to grow upward, the predecessor to a cough that could rumble once or twice or leave me on the ground, gasping, almost as if on a whim.  

 

“You’re sick,” I said.  It came out of me before I could register it.  “You’ve got the disease.”

 

“Very good, you’re so  _ smart _ ,” she said, and I could swear I saw a slight stain of blood on her teeth.  “Of course I am.  Do you think that Susan could find a cure without the samples you had, the science?  Do you think we could manage it on the run while Sarah and the others exposed DYAD and took away our resources?  You meant to bring my mother down, all of you.  She told me how you and Sarah denied her, and because of that, she died.”

 

” _ What?”  _ I blurted.  “What are you _ talking about? _  None of us even spoke with Rachel.  I mean, believe me, Sarah didn’t wish her the best, but she didn’t stop me from looking.  And nobody wanted any harm to come to you!”

 

“That’s  _ enough,” _ Charlotte hissed, and her hand went into her jacket and came out with a gun, one she pointed right at my face.

 

Adrenaline turned my insides cold.  It had been so long since I had been this scared.  

 

“Oh, that’s  _ more _ than  _ enough, _ ” came a voice from seemingly nowhere, and I thought I must be hallucinating, because it was my favourite voice in the world.

 

And then a little, bright red light appeared on the side of Charlotte’s head.

 

A light that came from the direction of… the decaying shack. From behind which my beloved Delphine fucking Cormier had stepped, holding a gun, with a laser sight, pointed at Charlotte’s temple.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A shorter one, but that's an action scene for ya! Hope you don't mind. :)

"Don't move," Delphine said, and while it had been part of the things that disconcerted me just before I'd left all those years ago, the commanding precision of her tone, the one Sarah and I had named Boss-Ass Bitch Mode one drunken evening back in the day, sent a thrill down my spine.

Charlotte froze, her gun still pointed at my face, and her features reassembled into a veneer of controlled calm, but then she spoke.

"Let's think about this a moment, Dr. Cormier. You have a gun pointed at me. You could very well shoot me. But my men and I have three guns pointed at your friends. Even if I don't pull my trigger on time, they could easily take out Cosima and one other person before you aim again, and I hardly think you have the training that they do."

"Think again," my beautiful heroine snarled, and she even scared me a little bit with it. "I spent a good amount of time working on military bases, and I made friends. After everything DYAD and Rachel put us through, I made sure to get trained in firearms and self defence. And I hardly think that scenario appeals to you, since it leaves you dead, either way. "

Holy shit. Bad.  _Ass._

Robert and his companion barely glanced at each other, but Delphine must have seen it, because she barked another order.

"I said don't move! That means any of you."

I caught Teo looking over his shoulder at me out of the corner of my eye. Bless him, he looked almost as delighted as terrified.

"And I'm not the only one here," my lover announced. "You should know that you're surrounded. I have two operatives in the woods and more arriving."

Charlotte's face began to twitch, the mask of control dissolving.

"You're bluffing," she insisted. "My men would have known. And I also have more operatives—"

Robert grunted.

His hand had risen to the back of his neck by the time my eyes turned to him. He swayed a bit, yanked at something, and brought his hand in front of his face, a small, needle-like object tipped with a gaudy pink feather on one end pinched between his fingers. His gun hand dipped, then he seemed to rally a moment, looking at Charlotte and tilting his gun back at Michael again.

"Shit," he said.

And then he crumpled.

"Angel!" Charlotte yelled, and for a second I'd thought she'd found religion, but then her eyes flitted to her other bodyguard, and I took the opportunity to collapse downward, shielding Sevvy with my body while shoving him down and under the carriage of the car. I have no idea where that move came from. Maybe it was the training Shay forced on me when we were on the run together, or you could call it mother's instinct.

I glanced up in time to see Big Angel begin to turn, while Charlotte ducked downward, her gun angling down to point at me. Then all at once there was a blur of movement as Michael crashed into Charlotte's side, grabbing her wrist and twisting it away from me, there was a grunt, and a BANG.

And then Charlotte was half on top of me, shrieking. Before I could push at her she had rolled off again, Michael scrabbling with her, then pinning her down.

"Get his gun!" I heard Delphine yell, closer than before.

And then I felt it. Warm, wet. I looked down at myself.

There was blood all over me.

What happened?

Where was it coming from?

"Fuck!" I heard, in a voice something like mine, but lower, rougher.

Then Sarah was leaning over me.

"Cos, are you okay?" Her eyes were wide.

"I dunno, I… where's Sevvy?" I managed.

"Here, Mommy," I heard beside me, and when I turned he was shimmying from under the car to grab my shoulder and cling to it. "I'm okay, Mommy, we're not hurt."

There was still screaming going on at my other side. I clutched Sevvy to me and turned my head. Charlotte was pinned under Michael, both of them bloody. It looked like he was just holding her down, but she was writhing.

Another figure appeared, kneeling beside them, crazy bleached hair springing out from under a furry hunting cap. Helena.

"Shh-shh-shh," she shushed at Charlotte, then her arm moved quickly, and there was a needle topped with a familiar pink feather sticking out of our younger clone's neck.

"Y-you… " Charlotte managed, and then her eyes rolled back in her head, and she went limp.

"Fuuuck," I heard myself mumble.

From his spot on my shoulder, Sevvy giggled.

Sarah reached down her hand to me. I took it, and pulled myself up to a sitting position, my son cradled against me.

"Alright?" Sarah asked. I looked back over at Charlotte. Michael had clambered off of her, and Helena was probing at the unconscious girl's shoulder.

"Lodged in shoulder. No major vessels," Helena reported, then looked up past me. "She will need hospital."

"Can you bind it?" I heard from the direction she was looking towards, and my heart surged at the sound of that voice. Delphine.

Helena nodded, and as I turned, my love was lowering herself to kneel beside me.

She said my name, and then I was in her arms.

Her breath came fast just above my ear as I buried my face in her sweet smelling hair. I felt Sevvy cuddle into both of us, encircled by her embrace, too.

"Delphine," I breathed, and she squeezed me, before leaning back.

Her eyes roamed my face, confirming I was well. And then I heard another sound, a throbbing beat of air, growing louder.

"Is that—?" I looked up, and a helicopter came in over the treeline, hovering over us.

"I'm sorry, my love," Delphine said, close to my ear, and I met her serious, gorgeous, multi-coloured eyes again. "I'm afraid things are about to get a bit more complicated," she said. "I had to. I didn't have a choice."

I looked back at her. I took in my son, safe in our arms, and the people I loved around me: Helena, binding Charlotte's shoulder, Michael, crouching near me and now joined by Teo, who threw one arm around each of us, Sarah standing above us, the chop from the helicopter whirling her hair.

"It's alright," I finally answered. "I love you."

And it was all that mattered.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I realize my update schedule has gotten all cattywomped, again. My apologies.  
> Not for much longer, though. I've actually finally finished writing this fic! So, a long chapter for you here, which should cover some of your questions, and after that, two more chapters left - for those of you who like to know that sort of thing.  
> I am writing other Cophine stuff, though. So, there's that.
> 
> Thank you for coming with me on what has personally been a very uneven and trying journey. I hope the last few installments of this fic bring you somewhere close to where you wanted to go with it.

 

I just kept breathing.

I just kept reminding myself to be thankful that we were all alive, intact, uninjured. My sisters, my coparents, my lover, my son.

Through the confusion and questioning I told myself to remember that this was not the past, when all was in danger, that things had changed. I reached down with my qi and felt the ground supporting me, my muscles loosening and sinking downward with gravity. When I had a moment I turned my wrists in circles, releasing the clenching of my hands, and pulled my shoulders up tight, high around my ears, then let them drop again.

That's the thing about PTSD. You can have it under control for a long time. You can even think it's gone. But sometimes triggers spark those little switches inside you, making connections long bypassed, and tendrils of panic shoot through you, trying to innervate every part of your body, throwing you into fight or flight mode, or trembling, stuck, in-between.

But I had trained my mind, my body, my spirit, for years. I could acknowledge the fear and not drown in it. I could do this. I could do this.

When the government agents arrived with the medics they secured the scene and examined the fallen. They separated and briefly interviewed us: Sarah with one questioner, covering her nerves with a look of mildly hostile boredom, Helena in a car with another, my boys in a group, and me with Delphine, whom they tried to separate, but let stay when I refused to let go of her hand. Agent Meacham, who seemed important and seemed to be familiar with Delphine, somehow, gave a nod to approve it.

The story unfolded: how I had called Delphine and told her to contact Helena and Sarah (through Mika, though we tried to leave that out,) who were already on their way to protect Sevvy, Teo, Michael and me; how they had then hatched their hasty, new plan; how Delphine had rung up her contacts with the authorities while she was enroute separately from my sisters; how they had parked away from the coordinates and made their way by foot to surround Charlotte and her hired gunmen; how Helena had shot tranquiliser darts and Delphine had shot Charlotte in the shoulder when the younger clone appeared about to squeeze her trigger, Michael slamming into her at almost the exact same time.

My heros.

The helicopter, which had moved higher and been circling for a while, descended again, and the fallen, via bullet and sedative, began to be raised with a cable and a gurney. Agent Meacham leaned closer to us so she could be heard.

"Alright, we're going to take you in for some more questioning now, Ms. Niehaus. Dr. Cormier—"

"Please don't separate us," I blurted, covering our joined hands with my other, free one. "I, I promise we don't even have to say anything to each other on the ride over. It's just…" I swallowed and looked at my love, taking in her kind, concerned gaze as her sweet hazel eyes looked down at me. "I know I've been off-grid for a while, but it was just to stay safe, and now I know my sisters and Delphine have been known to you all this time… I'm okay with this. I just nearly lost my son, though… I need some support."

Agent Meacham took us both in for a moment, and I saw a look pass between her and Delphine. The agent nodded.

"Okay, Ms. Niehaus. Agent Cobb will be in the car with you. Once we get to the facility we'll need to ask you some questions alone, though." Delphine squeezed my hand.

"Okay," I said.

It took several hours.

After the quiet ride in the car to a nondescript office building, Delphine followed Agent Meacham down a hallway, while I was asked basic questions and I agreed to let them take my fingerprints. Then the wait began.

Michael, Teo and I were together in a small waiting room guarded by an alert agent for part of it, Sevvy mostly dozing on Michael's lap, until they were called in to talk to the agents, and Sevvy was passed to me. The tea I'd been given by a guy from the front desk was going cold, but I sipped it anyway. I had been sitting there for who knows how long, at least a forty-five minutes, alternately sorting the phylogenetic tree and trying to envision happy, safe scenes, when Sevvy mumbled into my shoulder.

"Mommy?"

"What, buddy?" I asked.

"I'll see you at home," he answered.

"Huh?"

Teo and Michael entered the room.

"They're letting us go," Teo told me, reaching down to take Sevvy from my arms. "We can take him home, now." I blinked. This knowing thing Sevvy had was still going to take some getting used to.

"How are you holding up?" Michael asked me, his expression weary, and I was so grateful again that he hadn't shut me out.

"Holding," I shrugged. "I don't suppose you can tell me anything about what they asked you?"

"Uh-uh," he answered, as Teo murmured Spanish endearments to Sevvy, who had rested his head on his Papa's shoulder. "But… it wasn't too bad." Both of us let our eyes travel to the agent at the door, who continued to watch us impassively.

"Okay," Teo said, nodding at us. "Cos," I met his gaze, "it will be alright."

"Right," I said, releasing a held breath, and they shuffled out, Michael patting my shoulder as he passed.

I looked at the agent. He looked at me. I think I made a face.

"Cosima?"

I started as Delphine swung around the doorframe, eyebrows raised at me, reaching out a hand. I was on my feet and grasping her fingers with mine before I knew it.

"Agent Meacham wants to talk with you. I'll be with you for the beginning, okay?"

"Okay," I nodded, relieved.

We entered a small office, where agent Meacham was seated at a desk, and took the chairs facing her.

"Ms. Niehaus," she acknowledged, and looked me directly in the eyes. I fought the urge to squirm a little. After a moment, she settled back slightly in her chair.

"You and I both find ourselves in an interesting situation," she began. "Your life, of course, has been unusual to begin with, due to your origins and your dealings with DYAD. You also have managed to be one of two of all of your… sisters who have remained almost completely outside of our recent records." She paused, and I realised I appreciated her avoidance of the term "clones," at least.

"Let me be clear," she continued, "when I say our government has records on your unusual family, that's not the same thing as monitoring you as DYAD and other factions have done in the past. A number of government and international agencies have been involved with this case over the years, and I can't speak for the rest, but this agency, under the current administration, takes the view that you are full human beings and citizens, not just assets or study subjects, and as such deserve to be treated with respect. Of course, we must protect the interests of our country, our international allies and the general populace, but we do our best to operate within your and your sisters' interests, allowing you, as much as possible, informed consent."

My eyebrows were probably halfway up my forehead by the end of her statement. I noticed I had joined hands with Delphine at some point, and she squeezed mine.

"'As much as possible? What does that mean?" I asked, and my skepticism came through in my tone. Agent Meacham linked her fingers together on her desk and seemed to measure her response for a moment.

"It's a balance," she finally said. "We—most of us—recognize the difficulty of your situation, having been bred and born by design as experiments. Personally, I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and I make sure the agents in my team are trained to understand what that might mean for a person. However, along with our goals to protect you, we do have duties to ensure that the science that made you possible, as well as the other studies DYAD conducted and continuing science that results, are used only in the best interests of our people and, of course, the greater good."

"Okaaay," I acknowledged, cocking my head, "but any chance you can, maybe, be a little less vague, here?" Delphine squeezed my hand again. When I glanced at her, she was giving me one of her wide-eyed,  _can-you-tone-down-the-attitude_  looks, but I couldn't help it. To my surprise, Meacham let out a little chuckle.

"I wish that I could, but let's just say this: You're a smart woman, Ms. Niehaus. You know already how DYAD could have taken advantage of genetic engineering advances, from patenting disease treatments and anti-aging therapies to 'designer babies,' to providing governments and other factions with means to alter reproduction for thousands of people or produce biological weapons. We'd like to look out for you, but those issues are our concern, too."

I had to admit to myself that she'd laid that all out abut as clearly as I could expect… for something probably top-secret, anyway.

"That's… fair," I said, and swallowed. "But what does it mean for me and my family?"

"Well, that depends on you," she answered, spreading her hands. "I've been assigned to this case for a long time, so I can tell you that there are some people who aren't happy that you and your other sister, Veera Suominen, have continued to refuse contact. In her case, her hacker skills make her a wild card and a potential liability. She certainly does things that are illegal, and while previous administrations may have wanted to prosecute her for that or control her, we'd prefer to work toward getting her cooperation." She cocked her head back at me, and I was impressed by her direct but seemingly unhostile demeanor.

"Now, I know you can't control her decisions on that, but I hope you can be an influence, as your other sisters might be. As you know, Sarah, Alison, Krystal, even Helena and others have formed agreements with us. I think they can tell you that we don't interfere too much, and that things have evolved for the better. But let's get back you, specifically."

Almost as if on cue, the door opened, startling me a little, and the guy from the front desk came in with a tray of mugs, a box and an insulated pitcher.

"Ah," Meacham said, as the tray was placed on her desk. "You like tea, right? Want any? We've got black, green, chamomile or rooibos. Or Jared can get you coffee."

I sat there for a moment, thinking. Obviously, this was a gesture to win me over, right? This wasn't just being nice. But… ultimately, how much did that matter?

"Chamomile," I finally said, hoping it would calm me. "Have you got any honey?"

"Yeah," she answered, and the guy flipped open the box, showing rows of tea bags, sugar and sweetener packets, stirrers and honey in plastic packets. He slipped back out of the room and Delphine leaned forward to make a mug of my requested brew for me. I watched her do it, recognising it as yet another one of the ways she both took care of me and acted as a quiet, protective mediator. The lines below her eyes showed how tired she was, yet she still acted with such determined grace for my benefit.

Meacheam put together a cup of plain green tea for herself and settled back again, waiting until I was settled and blowing on mine.

"Here's our offer," she started, and I quickly focused back on her. "We want your assistance. You managed to formulate a cure, track down your sisters and administer it to them, all the while staying enough steps ahead of my predecessors that they never found you. It's very impressive, Ms. Niehaus, and few people have insights like you do. We could use someone like you to help us make sure the science is developed in a way that's beneficial to the world. We'd like you to work with us. Of course, we'd also like information on how you managed to stay under the radar for so long, but that's secondary, and I imagine you'll want some time for us to earn your trust."

The old me would have scoffed, but I settled for staring right back at her, breathing evenly.

"And what do you mean by 'work with?' Or do you mean 'work  _for?_ '" I probed.

"Well, you will be compensated for your work, although the amount of hours and the schedule will have to be determined. We'll also probably ask for your help in working with others who were a part of DYAD and related studies, like researchers and more of your genetic identicals. Trust me when I say we want you to be comfortable, so you won't lack for funding. There will most likely be times we need your immediate and concentrated assistance, but you will be allowed to live where you want, with your family, as long as you maintain contact." She reached to the side of her desk and picked up a folder, placing it in front of me. "We would support you resuming your studies and completing your degree. We'd actually prefer it if you do, but that's up to you. We would at least like you to catch up somewhat on the latest studies. Whether or not you participate in lab research yourself is negotiable, but we want you on our team, at least as an advisor. After all, you have a vested interest."

I blinked for a couple seconds. My jaw must have been hanging open.

"That's it?" I asked. "What's the catch?"

Meacham put down her mug, her shoulders moving in an almost imperceptible sigh.

"That's it. The catch is you sign a contract to work for us, to remain in contact, to not disclose sensitive information to other parties. The other catch is that you're in again. You have information other people may want, though not all of it. You have to think about the implications of genetic engineering and face how different parties want to use it, which isn't always pretty. You get a quiet life, mostly, but what you do in this project will have larger ramifications." She leaned forward, more emphatic.

"You have a chance to make a difference, Ms. Niehaus, not just to your sisters, but to the world. Your sisters started it by exposing DYAD. Now you have a chance to carry this beyond that, to helping ensure something unethical like DYAD's projects doesn't keep happening again and again."

It was a lot to take in. I faltered. Meacham glanced at Delphine, who tugged on my hand. I turned to her.

"Cosima, you know how it was for me before. I was forced to work for the military. But Sarah and I, and the others, we've been talking with the agency, and… it seems different, now. What they're offering us, on paper… we can have our lives as we've wanted to live them.  _You_  can have your life, whether you want to study full time or stick with teaching yoga, or… whatever you want to do, you can be close to your family." Her look was sincere, if strained. The old part of me wanted to ask what they had promised her, but I knew how that would come out. I looked back at Meacham.

"And if I refuse?" I felt Delphine sag a little next to me. Meacham blinked. "I'm not saying I'm going to," I added quickly. "I just want to know my options. And I don't want to be pushed around."

Meacham leaned back in her seat once more. She sucked on her teeth, then nodded.

"Of course," she said. "I'm going to be honest with you. Personally, I would recommend in my report to let you go and live your life, and that probably would happen. But you'll still have the knowledge that you have, and there are still people who will want it, both within our government and outside of it. There are also people who aren't happy that you disappeared and did things like cross borders illegally and evaded taxes. They could try to prosecute or punish you, one way or another. And, let's not forget, it wouldn't reflect well on your sisters' agreements with us that they aided you, not to mention Dr. Cormier's neglecting to inform us you two were in contact. The bottom line is, it could be alright, or it could lead to trouble for you and your family, and I certainly can't guarantee that you wouldn't receive harsher treatment from future administrations. All I can do is tell you that if you work with us now, my team will do our best to help you set up the life you want to live and protect you." She looked me directly in the eye, again. She reminded me a little of Art, with her straightforward manner. "I promise you that in good faith," she intoned.

I wasn't sure what to say. How do you trust someone completely in that situation? But I liked something about her. She didn't seem evasive, even if she clearly could only say so much, and she didn't sugar coat it. I also knew I could ask Sarah and the others about her. Things seemed to have been fine for them for a while, until this nightmare with Charlotte. There was more to learn, but… maybe this could be a good thing.

I looked at Delphine. She said things were different, now, that it had been better. She was able to have her professorship and lead a normal life…

I know I must have looked tired and overwhelmed, because she read my expression and said to Agent Meacham:

"It's a lot. Maybe Cosima could see her family and sleep on it?"

Meacham looked back and forth between us and nodded.

"Take the paperwork, look at it, talk to your family, get some rest," she told me. "We'll contact you tomorrow." She picked up the handset from the phone on her desk and pressed a button. "Jordan, please come and show Ms. Niehaus and Dr. Cormier out." She rose.

I stood up slowly, a little baffled, Delphine's hand still in mine.

"I can go home now? Is someone going to tell me what happened with Charlotte? Is someone going to be watching me?"

A small smile, or perhaps smirk, tugged at the corners of the agent's mouth.

"Yes, you can go home, now. I'm sure Dr. Cormier can fill you in on more. And yes, there will be someone keeping tabs, outside your house, partly for your own protection. I hope it reassures you to see I'm telling the truth."

All I could do was give a small nod at that. Before I knew it, Delphine had taken my arm and walked with me behind Jordan to find her car pulled up for us outside the nondescript door. We both took a breath.

"Would you—would you like me to drive you to Teo and Michael's?" she asked, a bit tentative. I turned to her and saw the worry in her eyes, so I slipped my arms around her, and pulled her to me in a hug.

"Yes," I answered. "Take me home, and please tell me what the hell you know about all this on the way." She gave me a squeeze, which I returned and let myself revel in for a brief moment, then murmured in her ear, "and after that, don't let go of me tonight, okay?"


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The penultimate chapter. I hope you enjoy. :)

"So, where do you want me to start?" Delphine asked, while driving us back to Woodstock.

"God, I dunno…" I thought for a moment. It was hard to pull it all together in my mind. I was so tired. "Just… everything that happened when you talked with Sarah. And what did MK find out? And… what the hell happened with your retreat? Was something going on with what happened with Charlotte? Do you think she was following you? Jesus, where did  _Charlotte_  come out of in all of this mess?" I rubbed my hands over my face and under my glasses, blotting out my vision and hoping to stave off a freak out and a headache, combined. "What about what the agents asked or told you? I don't know… just,  _tell_  me things." I could see her glancing at me from the corner of her eye and licking her lips when I replaced my glasses. Shit, maybe I was getting too bitchy. Okay. I put my hand on her thigh.

"Just… fill me in on what you can," I urged her, less stridently. She nodded, the passing streetlights catching the tired hollows under her eyes.

"Well, we can't be sure if Charlotte found you by following me or some other way. She would have to have been keeping tabs on me for a long time. Agent Meacham says they are still interviewing her and her… henchmen." I think we both almost wanted to smile at that comic-book-world word, but didn't have the energy. She lowered one hand from the steering wheel and stroked the one I had planted on her leg, before returning it to the wheel again. Such a responsible driver.

"It seems that Rachel kept her fairly ignorant. Maybe she thought Susan would be able to cure them… at any rate, she obviously didn't trust you and Sarah and her other sisters. Who can tell how much of it was reason or… spite?" She glanced at me, and I nodded. Maybe Rachel had been trying to cling to what control she thought she had. Fucked up as she was, I couldn't imagine her really trusting anybody. "Maybe she intended Charlotte to be a bargaining chip. Anyway, Charlotte thinks you denied them the cure purposely. It's sad, really."

"Jesus," I breathed. "So she was desperate. But how did she find out about Sevvy?" She chewed her lip some more.

"As I said, we can't be sure. But the agency seems to think… that she traced you. Cosima, you were using your real name here and there. And you should have been perfectly safe to do so. I mean… the government may have wanted to speak with you… but who could know Charlotte would be searching for you?" Delphine sighed, taking a turn onto the next route. "Honestly, it could be my fault, too. You and I were both so happy… we weren't careful. I thought the danger was over…"

"Yeah, well, I was waltzing around registering him in school," I pointed out. "That couldn't have been how she found him, obvs, because they showed up then. But I could have done something… and you're right," I acknowledged, "I wasn't careful. Being with you, I let my guard down, but I had been letting it slip for years. I think I was more tired of hiding than I even knew."

She took my hand again and squeezed it.

"I'm not harshing on myself… much," I reassured her. "It felt right, at the time. And if my life wasn't so fucked up with all this clones stuff still... " I trailed off, clenching my teeth and shaking my head. But there was no point in getting so negative.  _Everyone's okay,_  I told myself.  _Don't start letting the past capture you again._

"Hey," she said, then "hey," again, gently cupping my chin with her fingers to raise it. "Sarah and Helena and MK will have more to tell you when you get home. But the good news is we were all able to coordinate, and no one got hurt."

"Except Charlotte," I pointed out, and her fingers on my chin started to drop, so a reached up and held them there. "Hey, I'm willing to sacrifice a few karma points to say she deserved it."

A tentative smile touched her lips as she glanced at me, then back at the road. I let her hand go so she could return it to the steering wheel.

"You did nothing wrong, Cosima," she said softly, and then I saw her gather herself and raise her own chin a tiny bit. "And neither did I. I had to shoot her to keep her from hurting anyone else."

I watched her for a moment, the glow from the streetlights undulating across her masterpiece of a face as they passed by, catching a faint glint of tears welling in her eyes, but not spilling. She made the turn off onto the exit and I couldn't stop watching her that last bit of the the drive. I knew she was holding herself together to get us home and her strength and resolve was heartachingly beautiful to me right then. When she finally pulled into the driveway, she shifted the gear into park, but didn't turn off the engine. When she turned to look at me it was almost as if in slow motion, unsure, a question heavy behind her eyes. I reached up and stroked her cheek.

"Stay with me, tonight. Stay with us," I said, looking into her shadowed gaze. Her breath caught just the tiniest bit, and she turned off the ignition. She still looked hesitant, though, but while I needed to know more, I knew enough to do this.

"You have to," I told her. "You're my hero, you know."

"Cosima," she breathed, and her struggle of a smile tugged at my heartstrings the way it always did, but I knew they could snap back into tune. She leaned down and pressed her forehead to mine, and it was enough.

Exiting the car I noticed a black sedan parked just on the other side of the deck: our government escort. Delphine touched my hand, probably trying to soothe me in case I was pissed, but I was really just tired, and we had been warned. I could barely make out the pale blobs of two human heads through the dark windshield, and I made a show of giving them an exaggerated wave as I closed the car door. At least they weren't hiding. I decided I could let myself ignore them until morning.

Michael's face peered out the window to confirm it was us, and we made our way inside. Helena was curled on the loveseat, pink-rimmed eyes peeking out from under wild wobbles of hair. Sarah sat on the couch with Michael settling back in by her, each of them nursing a beer. I could hear the murmur of Teo singing a lullaby down the hall, no doubt to soothe both Sevvy and himself.

We were all tired, explanatory sentences coming out in short bursts. Sarah, MK and Helena had hatched a plan to protect us themselves, but it was Delphine who convinced them they had to involve the authorities. This wasn't the old days, when we were on our own. Deals had been made and new lives built, and we all had homes and families to lose. Not that my sisters weren't still badass, in their ways, but why not stack the deck and reduce the clean up? After all, what would we have done if someone got killed? If even we captured Charlotte ourselves?

Things were different now. We were grown up. We had allies, even if that meant we had to compromise.

And most of all, we could all trust each other.

There would be more meetings with authorities, more to parse about what we'd learned about Charlotte, and MK was going to look even further into that. But now we needed rest.

So I took Delphine's hand and pulled her gently toward my room. I noticed Sarah follow our motion with her eyes and when her glance caught mine just for a moment, I swear I saw the faint tug of a tired but benevolent smile at the corner of her mouth. Behind us, Michael was setting up the couches for my sisters, but I let my mind drop all attention on that to tow my love through the door. Shutting it behind us without even turning on the light, I turned around and pulled her to me, her arms slipping around me, too. We held each other for a long moment, just breathing, my face pressed into the side of her neck and her nose in my dreads. She made a small sound in her throat, something like a swallowed whimper, and I looked up at her.

"Are you okay?" I asked her.

She looked down for a moment, letting out a small scoff and then sniffling in what were obviously threatening tears.

" _You're_  asking  _me_  if I'm okay?" she countered, and I ducked my head a bit so I could catch her eyes, faint but luminous in the slight glow of moonlight that made it through the window.

"Yeah," I whispered, "Delphine?"

"Cosima," she sighed, and brought her hand to my face in that way she did; the one that always made me feel like I was so precious to her. "I… I was so worried…" She faltered.

"We all were," I acknowledged, and I let a tremble ripple through me just for a moment, then let my muscles loosen, my weight sinking lower toward my center of gravity. "And we're all exhausted. But I want you to understand something." I caught the wrist of her hand near my jaw and squeezed it, and she gave me her full, serious attention.

"I believe you, Delphine," I told her. "I trust you." And I meant it. I would say it a thousand times, again, if she needed me to, to make up for all the times before.

I felt it in my bones.

She let out a soft gasp, and a few tears spilled over her lashes to track down her cheeks, but she pulled my face to hers and kissed me so fully, achingly, sweetly that my mind gave up on words and all there was was to kiss her, slowly and full of truth, intent and promise, in return.

We barely had the energy to remove our clothes, staying as close together as possible as we sunk into the bed, tangled together, and down into the release of necessary sleep.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is it, the final chapter. This writing of this fic was a long, bumpy road, and I have many people to thank for their help along the way, including my OBFrankenfic buddies who betaed now and then, my patrons who made it possible for me to spend more time writing and imbibe sufficient caffeine and nourishment, and every one of you readers, especially the ones who took the time to send me a kind word or comment. I so wanted to finish this fic and have it over with, and yet I find myself melancholy at the end of it, at the same time - probably because my OB fic writing days seem to be numbered. I have a few small Cophine projects left, but I'm hoping to move on to writing original work, as well as publishing an original adaption of The Swan and The Dove. I thank you all, and hope you will consider reading my other writing as I try to develop it into more than just a hobby. I will post updates on what I'm up to on my tumblr blog under this same handle.  
> Gratitude & XOXO,  
> \- trylonandperisphere

Of course there were things we never talked about with our “handlers.”

 

We made the decision never to tell them about Sevvy’s special abilities.  He hung out with his cousin Kira, sometimes, who had started communicating with people in what I guess you would call “intuitive circles.”  Never in a flashy way, but to learn more about the feelings they got, and how to handle them.  We took the track of guiding him not to talk about it too much in public, but letting him know that he could look into it more as he got older, if he wanted to.  Of course it fascinated me, both from a energetic/spiritual point of view and a scientific one.  Had something been triggered in our genes when we were created, something that made our children sensitive?  Yet, the last thing I wanted was for them to ever feel experimented on.  There had been enough of that to go around in our family a long time ago.

 

But there was an advantage in Sevvy and Kira feeling and knowing things as they did.  As much as I had to work with my judgement and intuition, I felt that I could relax a bit as I moved into my new life, knowing that they would sound an alarm if the government agencies, or anyone else, weren’t to be trusted.  For all the things that had happened to me and my family, in some ways I was incredibly lucky.  I had thought it was my job to protect Sevvy and that I had fucked up.  But it not only turned out okay, it turned out that he helped me love and trust others, again, in a way that all my meditation and yoga never quite reached.

 

He helped me trust the love of my life, again.

 

Good thing, too, because for all my smarts, some things I was just as stupid about as the next human being.

 

I was smart enough to stop running, to take the deal.  To tell the truth, I was excited to get back into science, again.  Sure, I had fears that I had gotten out of touch, forgotten too much, maybe gotten a little long in the tooth or out of the loop to keep up with the the younger minds who hadn’t been away from grad school.  But it actually felt like reuniting with a part of me I’d left behind, too.  I ran out way before classes started and got a bunch of hard-copy books and study aids to go with my digital ones.  I had missed the heft of them, the feel of the paper in my hands and under my highlighter and pen as I wrote comments and absorbed the information.  More than one person told me I looked like a kid in a candy store with my new school stuff spread all around me on the floor.  The meditation actually helped my memory, I found—along with the fact that I had the hottest professor on campus to help me whenever I needed.  Let the other students drool over that.

 

And, in our new lab, there was a chance.  A chance that what I had learned and what we continued to learn could further help our sisters.  Maybe even the world.

 

There might be problems down the line, we knew, when the administration changed hands, but that was for later.  Right now I got a life.  A life where I could legally go where I wanted to go, live where I wanted to live, see my family when I wanted to.  It almost blew my mind.

 

Charlotte and MK both presented problems.  Once the youngest clone was cured, she’d have a lot of therapy and thinking to do to understand and accept what had happened, and even then, how one faux parent after another had lied to and manipulated her.  I wanted to help, somehow, but she was pretty distraught and hostile, which I suppose was fair, considering everything, plus the fact that she was then under government supervision most of the time. I was able to get occasional strained meetings every now and then with her, but mostly she remained stubbornly silent or full of contempt, until one day, out of the blue, she asked me about some of the benefits of meditation I’d mentioned.  Who knows how she opened up to it... maybe one of her therapists.  But I took it as a good sign, both that she was trying to heal herself, and maybe let go of what she had been taught about me.

 

MK, of course, didn’t want to be too close to any authority.  She agreed to work with them on a case-by-case basis through us, and help track the kind of lowlifes who conduct unethical biomedical deals, hack to steal and hide large sums of money from the less fortunate, or trade deadly goods and information.  I even got to see her in person at a couple clandestine family get-togethers (sprung on me so I wouldn’t know ahead of time and fumble any lies with my agency contacts.)  She was too crafty even for best spies in the country, however, though.  She managed to disappear whenever she wanted to.

 

So, our lives weren’t entirely normal.  They never had been, and they never would be.  But if they were strange, they were also exceptional in beautiful, wonderful ways.

 

Like having a group of sisters so bonded, not only by being genetically identical, but by the challenges we had met because of it.

 

Like having miracle children we were never supposed to have, and living through the disease that had been built into us to prevent our progeny: a double triumph of life over the attempt of some very smart, yet fundamentally flawed people who had tried to manipulate it, to control both nature and nurture, in ways which the infinite variations of existence would never let happen.

 

Like having a full life, and also regaining one I thought I had lost.  

 

Like getting back love.

 

People complained (well, mostly Sarah,) about the long trip, but it was worth it.  Even she couldn’t stay grumpy-looking when Kira and Sevvy spotted a dolphin from the boat to the resort and started making exaggerated screeching and clicking noises at each other.  That and when Alison took a header into the pool running from a snake that turned out to be a stick on the ground.  That might have gone down as one of the most amusing days in Sarah’s life.  Thank god there wasn’t a silent retreat going on.  Her barking laughter and my semi-guilty giggles filled the air around us, and it was wonderful.  We were meant to be loud, exuberant, on this visit.

 

Aurélie was as much of a hoot as when I met her in France.  She and her husband, Jean-Marc, brought their kids, but she didn’t let having a three year old and a baby stop her from going zip lining or staying up to tell silly stories about her big sister Delphine, who apparently went through a very clumsy phase in college. Nope, the younger Cormier daughter (now Carpentier) would pump her breast milk and hand it and her children off to Jean-Marc to do her thing, reminding us “I’m on holiday and we’re celebrating!” in a much more intense accent than her sister.  Honestly, I began to wonder if having that sleeping sickness as a kid had made her super awake for the rest of her life.  

 

Besides, at that point, between me, her, my sisters, Shay, Scott and his wife, Bella… well, there were enough kids of various ages that we had them looking after each other like a wolf pack.  Plus, Delphine’s father seemed to be becoming doting in his older years, and we’d find him cradling the teeny one and cooing at his grandkids while his stepkids were off… well, jeez, who knows where all those kids went half the time.  I didn’t worry about it too much, with Helena around.  I figured she’d take care of any jaguar, boar, or fer-de-lance that so much as looked at the younger clan funny.  

 

Plus, I had my amazing co-parenting boys to look after Sevvy while Delphine and I took care of other things.  That may not have stopped Teo from flirting shamelessly with Diego, the pilates instructor, but Michael took it in stride.  Teo loved to flirt.  He’d flirt with a rock, if he was in the mood. It was harmless, and was probably just exaggerated because he and Felix seemed to have some kind of competition going on.

 

It was nice to be a guest at the resort.  I got massages, and took my family on tours.  I didn’t miss getting up early to teach classes at all, even if I did go to a couple with the kids.

 

And in the morning, and at night, I had my love by my side.

 

We could have stayed in one of our previous cabins for old time’s sake, but we took the honeymoon suite.  After all, that’s what we were there for.

 

On the third afternoon we all snaked our way down the path and stairs, descending by the waterfall to where the river met the sea, and a few rows of chairs had been set up by a wooden arch woven with flowers on the beach.

 

Margot did the honours, which were simple.  She even managed the quote in French.  We were too nervous to do our own vows, and too perfectionistic, anyway.  How do you you find the right words for something like that?  As scientists, Delphine and I could have researched what to say forever, and I didn’t want to give a performance.  But earlier in the morning, before we got ready, I whispered some lines from Audre Lorde’s _Love Poem,_ one of our favourites, into her ear as she gasped below me, shimmering in sweat and recovering from our first round of lovemaking:

 

_...And I knew when I entered her I was_

_high wind in her forests hollow_

_fingers whispering sound_

_honey flowed_

_from the split cup_

_impaled on a lance of tongues…*_

 

So no, we didn’t wait until after the wedding.  When the gulls wheeled over the ocean as we made our promises, it reminded me of the last lines of the poem.*  Maybe she thought of it, too, because I could swear I saw her blush—the most beautiful bride, and person, I’d ever seen.

 

Maybe sometimes I can be smooth.  But I meant it.  And I’d do almost anything to see her that happy.  I want to see her that happy, again and again, as often as life allows, for as long as it lasts.

 

Then there was the party, and it got a little wild, with my closest sisters there, all of us dancing and laughing, and Helena insisting on and winning at limbo.  And then there was the sky full of stars, and my lady and me sneaking away from the laughter and the music, and ascending, quickly as our dresses would allow, barefoot up the stairs in the water-misted night.  The frogs called their mates loudly enough to drown out our giggles, and a gecko scurried from the lintel of our cottage, deluxe as it may have been.

 

The staff had lit candles, turning her skin golden and soft focus at the edges of my sight.  I wanted to remember every moment we were alone together here, again, returning to each other again and again in waves, to make up for the drought that had too long kept us apart.  I held her waist in my hands, taking her in, and my heart felt pressed against my sternum, swelling with a love so strong it bordered on painful, breath-stealing.  Her eyes met mine in that wide open, endless gaze she slips into, one hand taking my waist in return and the other tracing my clavicle.

 

“Do you remember when we first saw each other again, here?” she asked.

 

“Uh, yeah,” I answered, having to pull myself out of the trance I’d slipped into just contemplating her.  “I was in class, teaching.  I looked around, and… there you were.  You looked like you had seen a ghost… and I guess, in a way, you had.”  I gave her a small grin.  It had been a moment so resonant, and so difficult, in its own way.  To remember it now was poignant, almost jarring.

 

“Cosima,” she breathed, and took my hands into her own.  She drew them to her lips and gently kissed the tender insides of my wrists each in turn.  “I was so shocked, and so scared, then.  Sometimes I wish I could go back in time to that day, and whisper to myself, to both of us, that it was going to be okay… that everything was happening just in time, as it was supposed to, and that our love had just been, almost… sleeping.”  Her dimples emerged and I could tell she was having one of those rare moments when her excellent English was escaping her in the face of her emotions.

 

“Maybe you could bring a picture,” I teased, my grin growing.  “‘Here we are in our wedding dresses, Past Delphine.  This happens after you have to shoot somebody and rescue your bride-to-be like total badass, but you’ll get there.   P.S.: You’re going to be a mother.  Get ready to co-parent an amazing little kid with three other people.’”  She gave me a light tap on the arm in admonishment, as she often did.

 

“You make fun of me, but it really shook me.  Of course, it was all worth it.  But I’m still impressed at how you were so calm and cool when it happened.”

 

“I wasn’t, entirely, except…” I thought for a second.   “It’s funny.  I almost feel like I had, for a second, what Sevvy has, then.  I just had this feeling something was coming, even if it wasn’t totally conscious.  And then, when I saw you…”  I shrugged, unable to understand it, myself.  “It was like it was just _right._ Like, sure, it had been ten years, but there you were, and it was like all the emotional work I’d been doing, all the healing, had made me ready for that moment.  It was inevitable.   _We_ were inevitable, even if there was a piece of me that was still nervous, processing it.  I mean… it took me a bit to feel like we were on the same page, but… I can’t explain it, but it was just meant to be, and that storm brought you to me, finally at the right time in our lives, when we could work out everything that had happened in-between.”

 

She hummed softly, in approval, and her hands found my face, stroking and holding it tenderly.  

 

“It’s like that second storm,” I told her, and in the tilt of her head I saw that she knew what I meant: the one that had cut off our contact from each other when she was in the mountains at that conference, while Charlotte lashed out against us with her own wind and thunder, and I struggled to understand what was going on.  “There couldn’t have been a worse time for it to happen.  That’s what I thought then, anyway, when you told me about it.  Like, how was I supposed to believe that a freak accident had made you impossible to reach right when I needed you most?  It’s like it was almost put there on purpose to test my trust in you.  There was a part of me that was bringing up every terrible, difficult thing that happened between us, everything distrusting Sarah, or Felix, or anyone ever said about you…”

 

She swallowed and licked her lips, hanging on my words.

 

“What made you decide to believe in me?” she asked quietly.

 

“Love,” I answered, and I smiled at her.  “I mean, sure, I could check the weather report, and I had Sevvy telling me things would be okay, and that helped, but…”  I shrugged again and looked down for a second, almost bashful in the intensity of the love in her eyes.  I felt my smile stretching even wider and met her golden gaze again.

 

“We can believe things happen for a reason, or they don’t.  There was a time when I didn’t  believe in you.  I died from that disease that was built into me, or close enough, but I came back with your face in my vision and your voice reassuring me, within me so deep it had to be more than a thought.  But then you did what you thought was right to protect me, and I got caught up in rejection and fear…”

 

Her eyes fluttered closed in pain for a second.

 

“I hate to remember that time,” she breathed, “even if it is easier now than it once was.”

 

“Yeah,” I acknowledged, and gave her a reassuring squeeze.  “My point is, I went down that road before, and missed out on you for ten years.  Whatever valuable life lessons I— _we_ —learned from that, the biggest thing I learned was that, science or spirit, our hearts were meant to be together… and I wasn’t going to make that mistake again.”  

 

I had just made vows to her, but I made one again.

 

“I'm never going to make that mistake, again.  Not for as long as we live.”

 

She took this in, and she shone from within as though the sun was breaking the horizon behind her.

 

“I love you,” I told her,

 

and

 

“Je t’aime,” she said at the same time.

 

We moved together and kissed, and it was just as right as it had ever been before, but it was different, because we’d made a commitment, we’d solidified it and vowed it in actual words before our friends and family.  We’d been through so much, apart and together.  But we’d made the promise now to never let each other walk alone through whatever life threw at us, again.

 

Slowly, we undressed each other.  It felt familiar, yet new.  My pulse throbbed with the repeating mantra in my brain: _we’re married, now.  This is my wife._  I’d never thought it was that important before; never thought that I was that sentimental, that a piece of paper from the state and a recitation and a ceremony that couple after couple had gone through, successfully or to end in bitterness, countless times over the centuries, would really be different from what we’d sworn to each other in private.  But it was real, now; it had weight, and depth, and meaning.  

 

_Delphine.  My love._

 

In all the surprises I had had in my lifetime, that we had had, together, it was not the most dramatic: that making love with her, the feeling of her pulse and heat in my palm, the clasping of the inside of her body around my fingers pulling me into her with an involuntary force as true as her soul had pulled mine to hers through every obstacle, was different, now, somehow new, because we made it so by fully giving ourselves over to it; that when she brought me over the edge of reason with her mouth describing hot, pulsating patterns at the apex of my pleasure and convergence of my thighs, it was not just the flooding-nerve release it always was, plus the sweet tinge of love that turned the physical act a warmer shade of emotion; but that something within the chemistry of us had been forever altered and bonded by taking that leap, by promising: _forever._

 

It was not the most dramatic surprise, but it was the greatest.

 

So far.  So far.

  
  
  


* * *

 

*

Love Poem, by Audre Lorde

 

Speak earth and bless me

with what is richest

make sky flow honey out of my hips

rigid as mountains

spread over a valley

carved out by the mouth of rain

 

And I knew when I entered her        I was

high wind in her forest’s hollow

fingers whispering sound

honey flowed     from the split cut

impaled on a lance of tongues

on the tips of her breasts       on her navel

and my breath       howling into her entrances

through lungs of pain.

 

Greedy as herring-gulls

or a child

I swing out over      the earth

over and over      again.


End file.
